relationship advice

ponderingthefuture

Hello.

I really don't like asking strangers for advice, but really not sure what else to do. I am a regular poster using a different log in (hope that is ok MODS)

My partner and I have been together for 7 years this spring, we have a little boy between us (he's 3)

I don't know how or why, but over the last year, I have felt less "into" this relationship, and although I love him as the father of my son, I am feeling that we have become more like friends who live together than anything else *if that makes sense*.
We have the usual money issues, and same as everyone the usual bickerings

The big issues for me, are that we never do anything at all (Money is a biggy, but even if I suggest a date night, or going for a walk while DS is at preschool, it never happens) he is constantly stressed about his job (and brings that stress home and is grumpy with me about it), but will not do anything to deal with it. We are supposed to be getting ready to move to a different area (nicer house, better area) but two years later, he has done nothing to his CV, and despite suggestions for jobs/voluntary work he doesnt do it.

I started going swimming reguarly last summer, but stopped because of his complaints that he never saw me (I went 2 evenings a week)

The biggest thing, is that if I try to talk to him about how I am feeling, how I feel about our relationship, he just gets upset and doesnt talk, or says he is a crap boyfriend. So guess what, I dont talk to him about it, so I am just feeling worse and worse about our relationship.
The past few weeks, I am finding it really hard to be in the same room as him, because I just want to tell him how I feel, but for him to listen and for changes to happen

He is a good man, and our son loves him to bits, but I am terrified that I am going to wake up in 10 years time and wonder where my life went and still be this unhappy.

I know most of this is rambling (apologies) but really do not know what to do. I dont know if my relationship is dead and I should maybe think about moving out, or if I should give it another year, try and build a life for myself (remove the boredom) and see if that changes anything

Carl31

You need to talk, nothing will get sorted out by sitting on things and hoping they will sort themselves out

I dont think anyone can davise anything else? You need to get out of him what he feels, theres no point second guessing

All relationships need time spent on them though, jobs can come and go, partners and children do not

Scorpio33

It seems to me that you clearly do Love your boyfriend, but are thinking about leaving him as *Something* is not quite right about the relationship. I also get the impression that you have communication issues as you feel as if you can't say anything to him, as when you do, nothing gets resolved.

If it really has reached the point where you are thinking of leaving, then I would suggest giving relate a call and arranging some marriage guidance sessions. This may give your boyfriend the clear message about the way you see your realtionship currently. Despite what you may think, these sessions are more about how to communicate and understand each other more than anything. If despite these sessions you still feel the same, then so be it.

Tish_P

ponderingthefuture wrote: »

I started going swimming reguarly last summer, but stopped because of his complaints that he never saw me (I went 2 evenings a week)

I know this is in the past and can't be changed but it sounds like a mistake, and one that you might be able to rectify in future! You sound like you are missing a sense of growth and purpose both as an individual and as a couple.
Start swimming again and if he complains about not seeing you tell him he can come too, he won't dissolve. Or just explain that you need some "you time," and find a compromise you can both work with - perhaps you could do one thing on your own and one thing as a couple every week? Counselling might help, even just for you if he won't go.

ponderingthefuture

I was so scared of posting this and being told I was being silly, thank you to the posters so far

I think big part of the problem (mine not his) is that I moved here to be with him. His Mum and Dad are literally 5 mins away, whereas all my family are 2hours drive.

I think we have let "us" go to rot, but I just dont know if the rot has gone to far, or indeed if he is willing to change.

Last year I booked a week off work, and he was supposed to have done the same, but he never did. So DS and I ended up spending the week on our own with no money or means of getting anywhere. I guess I still have not forgiven that either

VestanPance

Firstly you both need to talk. Even if that requires involving a third party like relate.

Secondly there is no such thing as rot, just bad routines. You need to talk with each other to resolve that. Any couple needs to spend some sort of quality time together, but when we view as quality time can be vastly different. What things did you once do that you no longer do? Ok, with a child you'll never have the same amount of time or money to do what you did at the start of a relationship, but you shouldn't let these things slip away completely unless you stopped enjoying them.

One thing that I may be picking up incorrectly, but from what you have written am I right in thinking you see him as the main bread winner? That can be added stress and pressure if he is having a tough time at work. The thought of moving to a bigger house/better area could be adding an extra burden to that. It may be you need to evaluate what sort of work would make him happier in his working life and what sort of life style that would provide. There's little point in him chasing jobs with more money if all they do is make him miserable.

FBaby

The main problem seems to be that you are stuck in a vicious cycle in regards to communication. You feel you can't express how you feel because of how he reacts, so feelings build up inside you. Most of the time you can go on pretending and swallowing your feelings, but when they resurect to the surface, you feel overwhelmed. It then takes a lot of open up, which is ok, but if expressing your feeling doesn't lead to some changes in the relationship, it feels like a waste of time and makes it even harder to open up the next time.

Unfortunately, you need to work on your communication together. You need to feel that it is ok to talk to him without it feeling that it is a battle to face. He needs to respect that not only it is important for you and the relationship that you open up to him, but that whatever comes out needs to be followed through.

My partner is also very hard to talk to. The moment I open my mouth, however gently I approach any discussion, he becomes defensive and do his best to avoid it which inevitably ends up in me getting angry quickly because I am so tensed to start with. He had agreed and I know he is aware that we can't work on a relationship that needs some tender care without being able to talk freely, but it is such a task for him, it is exhausting on both sides. I am struggling to get him to listen proactively, let alone getting him to talk about his feelings (the usual answer to any prompting is 'I don't know'!!). Still, I am not giving up because talking is essential in any relationship unless both parties are happy to live a life of pretence forever.

Lovelyjoolz

VestanPance wrote: »

One thing that I may be picking up incorrectly, but from what you have written am I right in thinking you see him as the main bread winner? That can be added stress and pressure if he is having a tough time at work. The thought of moving to a bigger house/better area could be adding an extra burden to that. It may be you need to evaluate what sort of work would make him happier in his working life and what sort of life style that would provide. There's little point in him chasing jobs with more money if all they do is make him miserable.

THIS!!! This is exactly what I was thinking while I read your post.

You have no money to do anything.
You're waiting for him to earn more money so you can move somewhere nicer.
He's working long hours and still you don't have enough money.

He's under a lot of pressure here, which is probably what is making him grumpy with you. He's obviously blaming himself for you not having enough and it's making him feel inadequate and miserable. Can you take the pressure off him a bit?

Do you have so little money because you're saving to move? If so, can you delay the move for a couple of years? Stop living your live 'waiting' for there to be enough money. Enjoy your son and each other right now and hopefully, when things pick up in the future, you'll have the money to progress up the property ladder

Lovelyjoolz

Oh and the whole getting upset / doesnt talk / says he is a crap boyfriend thing is worrying. I suspect the poor guy is half expecting you to dump him any moment for not being a good enough 'provider'. Which is why he's avoiding the issue. He's scared you're going to tell him you're unhappy and are leaving!

If this is the case then you, lucky girl, have a lovely lovely man there. He's a keeper

How are you starting your conversations with him. Are you saying "I'm unhappy, we need to talk"? If you are, and that's not working, perhaps you could try starting a conversation with " Honey, you seem to be so unhappy/stressed/worried lately, I'm worried about you. Can we talk about what we can do to make things better". He might not automatically think you're about to tell him to sling his hook and actually talk to you a bit :rotfl:

podperson

Do you think he could possibly be depressed? Some of what you are saying rings bells with how my OH was when he was having issues - he was constantly stressed/upset/tired, he would get upset if I wasn't 'there' but then if I was he couldn't be bothered to do anything. If he's having issues at work then maybe it's getting on top of him? Could you suggest he go and have a talk with his GP?

I think the main thing is whether he's willing to admit that there is a problem (whether it is depression or just your relationship getting a little stale) and try to do something about it.

VestanPance

Lovelyjoolz wrote: »

Oh and the whole getting upset / doesnt talk / says he is a crap boyfriend thing is worrying. I suspect the poor guy is half expecting you to dump him any moment for not being a good enough 'provider'. Which is why he's avoiding the issue. He's scared you're going to tell him you're unhappy and are leaving!

This crossed my mind too. If he feels he is failing to provide the bigger house/better life style then he may be feeling like he is failing as a "man". If he is feeling like that then that would go a long way to explaining why he gets defensive or clamps up when you try to talk things over. He doesn't want to have a discussion where he opens up about being a "failure" to his family.

One way or another you both need to sit down and discuss a way forward.