Real-life MMD: Should I confront my indebted sister?

Mojisola

Angela wrote: »

If it was one of my sisters and she needed the money and my mum had the money I would have no qualms about her giving her the money if she wanted, my mum may have done this to one of my sisters before she died I didnt look at her last two years bank statements to check what money had been withdrawn before she died and I am sure if I had needed money she would have given some to me, seems more to me OP is trying to protect what she THINKS belongs to her,madness porbably thinks this is the actions of a loving family member.

Even if Mum ends up penniless?

If Mum ever needed care and it was found that she had given away money, the deprivation of capital rules would come into play and she could be left without care.

In the original thread this dilemma has come from, the father looked after the couple's money. After he died, his wife was struggling to cope and asked the non-resident sister for help. In the meantime, the living-in sister was sponging off their mother.

bogwart

I think you need to get some trunk modification surgery - either that or just mind your own business. Your behaviour is appalling.

milvusvestal

It sounds as if her financial predicament has placed her under a lot of stress already, and the last thing she probably wants is an outright accusation that she's badly in debt. I should tread very gently if I were you.

The first thing you should offer is help - maybe not in monetary terms, but getting her to sit down with you and go through what she owes, and what her monthly budget amounts to. Having someone to tell them what, in their heart of hearts, they know they should really do is often all that's needed to get them on the straight and narrow. Having a brother's shoulder to lean on will help her get herself sorted out, too.

I realise it may not be strictly relevant, but check that your mother has made a will. If you and your sister are the only beneficiaries of her estate, then you have every interest to make sure that your entitlement is not being frittered away by your sibling. I've seen it happen too many times, and friction within the family on someone's death is quite unpleasant, I can assure you.

Whatever course you decide upon, leave your mother out of it. She could become very upset if she learned of her daughter's situation, and it is for your sister to deal with her self-made problems, with your help only.

gloriouslyhappy

milvusvestal wrote: »

I realise it may not be strictly relevant, but check that your mother has made a will. If you and your sister are the only beneficiaries of her estate, then you have every interest to make sure that your entitlement is not being frittered away by your sibling. I've seen it happen too many times, and friction within the family on someone's death is quite unpleasant, I can assure you.

Whatever course you decide upon, leave your mother out of it. She could become very upset if she learned of her daughter's situation, and it is for your sister to deal with her self-made problems, with your help only.

What 'entitlement'? Surely it's the mother's money to spend as she pleases, whether it be on a spendthrift child or a cats' home? And as others have said, more info is needed before we can judge the full situation, who is say the live-at-home sister is indeed a spendthrift.

But based on what you put in your post, I would say that however you came by your knowledge of your sister's debt, I understand it must be hard to keep quiet. So I suggest you try to raise the subject again, gently, definitely not in a confrontational way, maybe by explaining how you handle your own debts, perhaps showing her this forum, or 'accidentally' leaving the webpage up when she's around, and see if you can open the subject that way. Be careful not to alienate her so that she would never feel able to come to you for fearing a 'told you so' reaction, she is your sister after all.

Good luck to both of you, here's wishing for a positive outcome..

tallgirld

Yep confront her ESPECIALLY if she is getting your mother involved.

Protect your mum so that your sister doesn't end up using all her savings!

stroppymare

darren_lane wrote: »

I would make yourself 'power of attorney' or at least make yourself responsible for your Mum's financial matters on the sly.
Once she is 'safe', speak to your sister.
Don't 'confront' her as its not your business.
It is your business to look after your mother.
Too many people shirk their responsibility towards their parents, well done for trying to look after your Mum.
By the sound of it, you're prepared to look after (to some degree) your sister which is admirable but you can only help those that want to be helped.

You cant make yourself power of attorney, you mum would have to agree to this. If your sister is taking advantage of your mother without her knowledge or understanding (e.g. writing out cheques and getting mum to sign them) then this is financial abuse and needs addressing for both their sakes.
If you opened the letter by mistake, admit it, say you couldnt help but notice and ask if you can help in any way. It gives your sister the opportunity to spill the beans and shows you as supportive; as previously said it may be that she is managing it; your mum may be helping out; either way it gives her the opportunity to talk.

Mojisola

stroppymare wrote: »

You cant make yourself power of attorney, you mum would have to agree to this.

And your sister would be informed about it before it went through.

Ebenezer_Screwj

You have no right to read other peoples correspondence or to poke your nose into their business. Providing your mother is of sound mind she can give money and/or help to whom she pleases, so I'm afraid you will have to grit your teeth and say nothing. You may not have the entire facts of course, your sister's financial affairs may not be as bad as they seem.

bud1950

i would just make sure she isnt ripping your mum off. my son lived with me for 3 months last year. since he moved out i get mail for him. he tells to open his mail and let him know what it is. its all from debt recovery. he just dosnt care when i tell him, have helped him in the past but not anymore. its his debt, his problem. and i would leave your sister to sort out her own debt problem. its harsh, but too many people shift the problems onto others, for them to sort out.

System

Before you do anything rash can I say I once received a letter from HMRC telling me I owed them £3,000. However after contesting the letter it was proven that the HMRC had made a huge mistake and I owed nothing. This may be the same situation for your sister or it may not. Ask your mother if your sister is taking advantage of her. If she is then you must say something. If she isn't then keep it to yourself. :cool: