Real-life MMD: Should I confront my indebted sister?

Hens_Teeth

It may be that your sister left out her letter on purpose, so that you would find it and "accidentally" read it, so it may be a cry for help. I think that you should raise it with your sister, but not "confront" her. Perhaps, as an opening, say something like 'I'm about to work out my income and outgoings to put it all into an Excel spreadsheet. Do you want to do it with me?' Whatever, be prepared to be at the receiving end of hostility as no-one likes to face up to their weaknesses.

DigForVictory

Blimey. Were I to open an HMRC letter to a sister, without Power of Attorney I'd be breaking the law. Were I to look into a personal opened envelope, it wouldn't be the law I'd worry about that got broken. (Sibling rivalry, territoriality etc is potent stuff, as you're finding.)

Please, Be Careful. It is possible you have made a mistake/erroneous assumption.

If you are concerned but want to maintain healthy relations, have a gentle word with mum about her (mum's) finances - perhaps refer to the MSE site as very helpful, and then Step Right Back.

I wouldn't dare presume my widowed and retired mum was unaware of her household finances, or butt in on ground she & sis have possibly already covered. Especially if I suspect it's been raked over, harrowed, watered with tears & generally been the subject of some mental anguish.

I know my mother wants relative peace between her offspring, so "confront"? I think not. If sis has involved mum, then they've agreed something between them. I am not included. Their business.

I know it may feel hair-raising, but a bit of trust to each woman may be in order.

As after all, if things do go badly wrong time future, you can always come back here to MSE. Whereas if you annoy both stratospherically, you may only have us to come back to. And 'in the right' can still be cold & lonely.

druss_the_axeman

First off there's nothing illegal about reading a letter, opening it is different but reading it is fine.

Secondly if she's living with your mother and it's HMRC debt the household is affected check out the "What could happen if you don't pay HMRC" on the HM Revenues & Customs webpage (sorry I can't post the link) to see what the HMRC could do if your sister ignores the debt. Debt collection agencies are not known for their softly softly approaches.

Finally if she's dealing with it then she'll tell you that, if not then imo it's still better to confront because the HMRC are not known for their patience either. Oh and be ready for the proverbial to hit the fan, your sister might be angry at first but if she's got an ounce of sense she'll realise you've only got her and your mothers best interests at heart eventually.

Mojisola

druss_the_axeman wrote: »

First off there's nothing illegal about reading a letter, opening it is different but reading it is fine.

There's nothing illegal about opening or reading someone else's letters unless you do it with the intention of causing them harm.

However the sister came to read the letter, confronting is a bad idea. Finding some diplomatic way of asking if she needs any help would be the way.

If the sister's debts are starting to affect their mother, it may be best to tackle it from that standpoint.

happyinflorida

If she's not dealt with the problem with HMRC then there is a problem and if she's already raised your suspicions about her being in debt then I would speak to her and tell her to get some real help.

It may help to say you don't want to know in-depth information about her situation but as she's your sister you are worried about her and that's great of you - same as you would do or all of us should do for a friend in the same situation.

The fact you read the letter - IMO - is unimportant. The letter is an indication of a problem and your sister obviously DOES need help especially if she's in denial that there is a problem. A lot of people do this.

Recommend her to look up a free help service about being in debt - find one for her on here - there are one's she can look at online and not have to go anywhere if she needs an appointment, they can ring her and it's all free. Martin recommends these sites, there's one in particular that used to be called CCCS but has changed it's name - look it up on here and you'll find it.

Well done for trying to help her and if she's living with your mum, that is even more reason for her to get this sorted as she shouldn't be taking advantage of your mum.

Hope it all works out ok - go in gently, with slippers on not wellington boots, if you get my meaning!

Arthog

A worrying aspect of this is that if Mum is bailing out your sister, they could both end up in dire straits.

Bristow

Just to say something similar happened to me. I was Miss Nice, and lost out mega bucks. Your sister may be being kind to your Mum, but so are you. The fact that you have seen her mail is immaterial. She is in debt and should be doing something about it herself, not just taking dosh from your Mum. So speak to your sister (you don't have to say you have seen her mail). She has problems and needs help. Also speak to your Mum - explain your sister's problem and how you want to help her. It would be SO much better if your sister started to understand her financial problems and got a grip. Otherwise she is never going to be out of debt and you will always resent her. Good luck.

iclayt

Lots of talk about the morals/legalities of opening/reading the letter, but that's totally irrelvant, as the bigger picture here is the letter was from HMRC and is about 'a lot' of debt. This is an unknown figure of course, but it's enough to make you worry, so I'm assuming it's substantial.

If I was in this position, I would absolutely say something. Knowing my sister, she would rant and rave about me poking my nose in, but as long as I knew I had offered her support and maybe given her information on debt crisis helplines etc, my conscience would be clearer than leaving her to deal with it herself just because I was worried about her reaction to me seeing the letter. I would be even more convinced to talk to her about it if she could be any way implicating our mum in the debt or worry over it.

I would be prepared, have information ready to hand over to her, apologise once for reading the letter but assure her I felt a duty to offer my support. It would be entirely up to her whether she accepted it or not.

darren_lane

I would make yourself 'power of attorney' or at least make yourself responsible for your Mum's financial matters on the sly.
Once she is 'safe', speak to your sister.
Don't 'confront' her as its not your business.
It is your business to look after your mother.
Too many people shirk their responsibility towards their parents, well done for trying to look after your Mum.
By the sound of it, you're prepared to look after (to some degree) your sister which is admirable but you can only help those that want to be helped.

Angela

If it was one of my sisters and she needed the money and my mum had the money I would have no qualms about her giving her the money if she wanted, my mum may have done this to one of my sisters before she died I didnt look at her last two years bank statements to check what money had been withdrawn before she died and I am sure if I had needed money she would have given some to me, seems more to me OP is trying to protect what she THINKS belongs to her,madness porbably thinks this is the actions of a loving family member.