What now

sofrustrating

I am not sure what to do. I feel so dreadfully alone. I think my marriage is over. After nearly two decades we can no longer see through the daily squabbles. We are fighting so much that our poor children are being affected with our spats we can't even sit at the dinner table and be civil.

I have asked him to come to counselling but he refuses. He is now threatening me that if we split he will give up work and have the children that he refuses to work and for me to have the children and him support us. He has a very well paid job. He has a big pension we have about £400k equity in the house and a mortgage of about the same. The children are primaryschool age the youngest just started. I have not worked in 5 years we had said I was not to workand concentrate on the children. I also had crippling postnatal depression and have just about been capable of functioning with home life. I have tried voluntary work this year but I don't feel strong enough to work .

He is threatening to ensure I have the very minimum I require as settlement.

I don't know where to begin to be honest. He can be really nasty but I can't stay with him through fear he might screw me over with the children and money.

The house is in a state we are in the middle of renovating it we need to get it to some standard or it will be worth less than we bought it for. My apologies for the poor layout of this post I am on my iPhone and not used to long typing on it.

Not sure what I am asking or thinking just incredibly sad exhausted and feeling like a dreadful failure

Thanks
I am a regular mse r but need to be annonymous right now

whitewing

I think it is actually very unlikely in reality that he will give up his job if you split, so I think you can view that as an empty but unpleasant threat. I can't think of one employed male I know giving up a job in those circumstances, although one or two have behaved appalling in work such that HR have given them a stern talking to.

I hope that things look a bit brighter soon. If you're a regular user, you will know that you will get through this.

gravitytolls

Well you're certainly not a failure, so you can get that thought right out of your mind right now!

Look at what you have, gorgeous children, a recovery from PND and the strength to write your feelings down. Now if you can get through the PND and keep two children happy, you can do anything.

The house, it's worth less than you paid for it whilst renovating and you're not working. Do you have any savings? Enough for a deposit on a little place for you and the children? Or family that you can turn to for support and somewhere to stay? I ask these questions not because my advice is to leave, but simply to plan for it if you decide that is your only course of action.

If your DH remains within the house the chances of him quitting the job and not paying the mortgage are fairly remote. And as whitewing says, most men simply don't quit jobs, work is so much more than a job oftentimes, it defines them and they don't wish to lose that identity.

He sounds like he's trying to bully you into staying with him. Would he reconsider counselling if you and the children stayed with rellies or friends and he realised what he was going to lose?

Really the thing is, if you're so unhappy that you're here under another name, you are feeling pretty desperate. You may feel better tomorrow, things may not seem so dire. But we all deserve happiness, none more so than children, and it doesn't much sound as if they're environment is joyful when both their parents are in it.

You could try calling Relate or the equivalent yourself and just talking to someone about how you feel. If nothing else it may help you come to a decision that's right for all of you and aid you in how to go about it with the least upheaval and distress possible ~ for the children at least.

Why is your husband so angry and unhappy do you think? How long have you been squabbling? Were you happy before the house/children?

whitewing

It would probably be a good idea to go to Relate by yourself. If all it does is let you know that certain behaviours are quite common during these kind of difficulties that may help you feel confident in the way you respond to them. It may also help you get proper support from your family without them making the situation worse for you or getting too involved nin the nastiness.