Hoarding - A New Start

Byatt

whitewing wrote: »

byatt,

It has occurred to me reading your post and also espresso's comments about her OH and unopened mail, that hoarders are (bizarrely) naturally good at organising but the hoarding is when that and the emotional side falls down. When I read your post, and had a 'friend' who understood, I had a flash of insight and I can see now that my dad is exactly the same. Except his excess goes to late payment charges etc to add evidence to his view that the whole world has a personal grudge against him.

I can even remember a couple of years ago my brother accidentally finding out my sister's annual salary and him saying, 'She's not worth it'. (She wasn't there, fortunately).

You are so right about being naturally good at organising, that's me too!

really, really interesting about your dad and how sad that your brother should say that, (and so glad your sister wasn't there), but it's really, really (sorry for so many reallys!) helpful to me, and a LBM that is sending little sparks off in my body, I am so excited that I might be able to get to grips with this. I will definitely bring it up with counsellor on Thursday. And there was me thinking I was sorted. :rotfl::p

edit, just thinking about the organisational skills, I was always told I was bossy or controlling, from childhood into marriage...it was always seen as a negative.

This_Year

My partner is a hoarder.

You're in my house. From the front door, look towards the stairs. That's them, behind the freezer. Which has boxes of "stuff" stacked on either side. Go left into the lounge, what's that in the other archway to the dining room? Boxes. Those green boxes that T*sco have salad delivered in. They stack so well, and look so *right* in the lounge, don't they?

Go through to the dining room. That's a dresser behind those boxes, and that window is actually french doors. Careful as you pull that chair out, that radiator hasn't been connected to the wall yet and it'll hurt.

My kitchen is relatively clutter-free, just careful of those trainers in the doorway and that tool box sticking out from where the old boiler has been kept for the time being (no idea why, as it doesn't work).

The back hallway has a row of Avon boxes stacked five high, do turn to the side so you can wiggle through the gap to the back door, mind as you open it!

On the right is the downstairs loo. Currently with a set of old cupboard doors, a huge green glass bulb which was bought to make an indoor garden, 2 pairs of hiking boots and the empty loo roll box (destined for the allotment). All making the use of that room hazardous.

Back to the dining room and up the stairs. In front of you more Avon boxes four high here, and then the bathroom on your left, kept clear only by my persistant [STRIKE]nagging [/STRIKE]reminders and removal of inappropriate items.

Ahead is the spare bedroom. Somewhere under those boxes is a bed. The shelves groaning under the weight of accumulated "stuff" - sorry, that small box there is my current ebay auctions, but the rest is his. I've not been able to get to the window for 5 years.

And it needs a damn good clean! :eek:

Come back out, that's the children's bedroom - those Avon boxes (four high) against this wall are my partner's too.

Turn to the side a bit here, need to wiggle through these M&S boxes (four high along the entire length of the passage) and into my bedroom.

On the right more boxes. In front of you, more boxes and over by the window, a pile of - boxes. To the side, on top of what used to be my lovely chest of drawers with a few photographs displayed in frames on top, more boxes, shoebox size now, stacked to the ceiling, and also on top of the wardrobe. Some semblence of order here; these have a number on them for indexing purposes. :eek:

The lovely bay window, the main reason I bought the house? Stacked window ledge high with more stuff. I can use my dressing table if I sit with my legs to one side and don't open drawers too wide. Lastly there's more green boxes to the right of the bed, and then those shoved under the bed.

I'll leave the shed tour to another time.

As I'm "not allowed to touch his stuff" - he does fret and get panicky if I seem to be thinking about it! I spend my time dreaming about living in a uncluttered house and never ever, having a single box in or out of sight!

Goldiegirl

JackieO wrote: »

ah names from my youth were Derry and Toms which had a roof garden in the middle of London and as a small child I went with Mum to Kensington High Street I think it became Bibas in the 1960s.I can remember going up in this big square woooden lift with a man who was dressed like a general and had a long ribbon of medals across his chest (he was the chap who operated the lift and he had a moustache like Stalin) I thought he might have been his brother when I was little) I assumed he had won the medals for saving the lift from the german bombs during the war for some reason :)Weird what you think as a child isn't it .

My mum and dad always used to talk about Derry and Toms !

I love old fashioned department stores - I was in my element when the Paradise was on TV couple of months ago. Unfortunately, all the old stores have nearly gone. I can recommend Libertys for retaining it's old fashioned looks. (but not it's prices!) I'll be watching Mr Selfridge this evening, especially as my FIL was a clock repairer at Selfridges for many years.

Pleasedelete said

I have cleared a few relatives houses. The junk in boxes is just depressing. I have told my mother it is her duty to shift her junk whilst she can to save the burden on the poor relatives ! (said partly in jest and taken very well as she hated clearing the houses as well). She had 1000 candles when she moved a few years ago.

What I love about this board is that some one always says exactly whats going through my mind. Clearing possessions is very physical work. I've had a very good eBay weekend, and getting the sold goods out of their cupboards, finding the right packaging and then actually packing the goods involves a lot of bending, stretching and general movement. I want to clear my unwanted stuff now, and not have to worry about it in 20 years time, when I might not be so physically active.

whitewing

Welcome This Year (and how uplifting is that to say)

You can start to seep some of our insights into your OH's brain but occasionally laughing or agreeing out loud or 'no-ooooooo' to the posts, and then mentioning the contents. (My DH knows all about LIR's OH as part of his ongoing husband-training!)

espresso21

Thanks for the advice re finding people to collect my stuff. I will phone around tomorrow. The women's refuge sounds like a particularly good cause - I will see if I have any local to me. It would feel even better if my clutter could help someone else.

ThisYear, I feel your pain. I find a cluttered house really brings my mood down. I don't have any useful advice for you (since I am in a similar situation) but I know the others on here will. Also, maybe just do it little by little. That's what I am trying to do. For the moment I am trying to deal with my clutter bit by bit. That will take my ages and gives me plenty to keep me busy for now. When I am finished with that (in years to come!) I will think about what to do with OH. My one worry is keeping his clutter out of my cleaned areas. A couple of years ago I sorted out the spare room and made it look lovely, like a proper spare room that you would be proud to have a guest stay in. I went away to visit my parents for a couple of weeks and when I came back, he was working in the spare room (he often works from home) - the room was full of computer bits and pieces, and his paperwork. Why had he moved there? "Because it was nice and neat and he didn't have room to work in his study". Well duh! That's because his study is full of paperwork and computer bits and pieces. There's no way he was doing that to my spare room which was actually my little haven of calm. So I kicked him out of it again (cruel woman!). I get very uptight if there is clutter so it's important for me to have at least one clutter-free area in the house that I can go to when it's all too much.

Inspired by my earlier progress today, I went back and finished the spare room - it now looks pretty good. It's not completely clutter free as there are some things stored there that don't fit anywhere else but at least it's neat and tidy - order out of chaos.

espresso21

Oh and I just remember something I saw on Hairy Dieters the other night - apparently constant small activity (like housework) is much better for burning calories than bursts of intense activity (like gym) so maybe that is an added bonus of decluttering!

lostinrates

espresso21 wrote: »

Inspired by you lot, I had a go at the spare room today. I haven't finished - I am probably about halfway which took me about 2 hours, so I guess another 2 hours will finish it, which isn't bad really. I reorganised the cupboards in .

Two truisms help me maintain sanity. Starting really is the hardest part. But also, 20 percent of the effort is the first 80 percent of the job, tyhe last twenty percent is 80 percent of the effort. Remember that when you feel desperate near the end of this job...it's normal to find the last bits the hardest and it's ok to feel like that.


Well done you.:T

lostinrates

Goldiegirl wrote: »

My mum and dad always used to talk about Derry and Toms !

I love old fashioned department stores - I was in my element when the Paradise was on TV couple of months ago. Unfortunately, all the old stores have nearly gone. I can recommend Libertys for retaining it's old fashioned looks. (but not it's prices!) I'll be watching Mr Selfridge this evening, especially as my FIL was a clock repairer at Selfridges for many years.

Pleasedelete said


What I love about this board is that some one always says exactly whats going through my mind. Clearing possessions is very physical work. I've had a very good eBay weekend, and getting the sold goods out of their cupboards, finding the right packaging and then actually packing the goods involves a lot of bending, stretching and general movement. I want to clear my unwanted stuff now, and not have to worry about it in 20 years time, when I might not be so physically active.

Liberties clearance sales are excellent though. . Not that I have been for years. I was saying just the other day I would love to go, but not sure I am well enough to cope with the hassle and Bussel and the day on my feet to spend a day in London. but......we have been talking about dh and I meeting mid week for a meal in London with friends on a regular basis. (all good motivation things). Maybe once a month at first, building to once a fortnight. It was one of the reasons we bought in civilised part of the world not go where we would be happier nearer the wilds.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I wonder if forcing a partner or family to live in a way absolutely alien to them and, quite frankly, endangering them from trips, crushing, fire, etc, counts as either a) domestic abuse or b) unreasonable behaviour?


I wasn't allowed friends round because of the house. I wasn't allowed parties because it would mean people in the house. I wasn't allowed to get rid of tatty, smelly cat hair covered clothes. Any clean clothes weren't ever ironed, they were dumped on the stairs to collect more cat hair. I wasn't allowed to wash or bathe more than a permitted 30 minutes once a week. Or change clothing. All of which made me very appealing to the other kids at school - as a target, naturally. It also made it difficult for my brothers to keep girlfriends 'what do you mean you don't want me to meet your family?' or 'Oh. My. God. You live like this?' [sounds of hasty footsteps in the opposite direction]. Even I've had grief from partners about why I don't have a proper family Christmas or New Year or see family all the time - some have even said that, because I won't do it, I must not be committed to the relationship.


After all, by hoarding things, it makes it impossible for somebody to have a normal social life - so the hoarding isolates them from friends, family and support outside the relationship. It controls them, because they are not allowed to make decisions regarding disposal of items. It endangers their mental and physical health in isolation, tripping, disease, food issues, medication, maintaining personal hygiene (hard to be socially clean if the bath and sink are full of Stuff that must not be touched, for example). And they cannot leave because the home cannot be sold in such a condition.



There's a thought. Could hoarding be abusing somebody you love?

Broomstick

Alongside the hoarding-decluttering, and the decluttering-decluttering, there is also the 'this is the last time I declutter this or else' decluttering - this is the one that I would expect to have completed before we move house (something I would like to do within the next year). I'm tackling this too.

Today, I had a brilliant idea that will probably sound OTT to everyone else - it's working for me though. I don't expect the labels to stay put after a room is finished!

I have printed out a ton of little 'DECLUTTERED!' labels on white card. From now on, surfaces, shelves, cupboards and anything else I can think of, are having a label attached to them when they reach the final decluttered state. It includes things like a small stool which always seems to act as a magnet for gathering clutter (in other words a Flylady 'hotspot'). The label is a reminder not to put anything on it any more.

My sons (18 and 20) seem to be understanding what I'm trying to do and I've made it clear that it's for all of us to try. It means that I don't accidentally put stuff in an area they've cleared up as well, ie their efforts won't go unnoticed or not respected by me, although I'm not asking them to do anything. It's making it really visible and is so cheering up to wander around seeing all these reminders that little areas have been tackled for once and for all.

B x

PS. (((((JoJo))))