Relationship help - its a long post I'm sorry

j.e.j.

G2012 wrote: »

I feel I can't talk to my family about this and since I have no real friends I thought I would come here. I hope you all don't mind.

My situation; I am 27, living with other half since I was 18, he is 31 next year. No kids, not engaged or married. I have PCOS and would eventually like a family and we have discussed this together but there's one huge problem!

He likes to play on the Xbox until silly o clock in the morning, he does nothing around the house to help and won't do it cause he doesn't want to. He chooses the Xbox over us (well that's what it feels like) I have no issue with him playing on it but just not all the time.

I can't envisage myself ever with a family because I don't want to be a one parent family while he is playing on his games.

We've talked, we've yelled over this and it has been like this for 6 years now.

Don't get me wrong I have a good life, we both work, don't struggle for a lot but I feel like I'm responsible for everything in the house and sorting everything. If I don't do things like the dishes they never get done (I've threw out dishes before after they were left out in the hope he would clean up). I don't mind being the person to do all the cleaning etc but I work more hours then him, I'm out 13 hours per day and have to come in and start tea tidying up etc, we can't afford for me to drop hours so I'm stuck.

He asked me to wash the bedding yesterday but since he didn't get up till 1pm I said I would do it today, he strolled out of bed at 16:15 despite me waking him up several times.

Sometimes I feel like I live with a child and he doesn't see the problem. When it reaches the bubbling over point he always says he will change, but never does and I want him to want to change not me push him into it.

Can anyone offer advice? I'm seriously considering asking him to leave as I can't cope with this anymore, I feel lonely but I would rather be alone than live like this.

Sounds just like my EX boyfriend..

G2012

Thanks for all of your replies.

To be honest I feel like this quite often, but it goes away and then resurfaces and I think it's because I think it is a major problem.

I've tried the rota thing, it didn't even last three days!

I think you're right deep down my mind is made up and probably has been for a while now. I just don't want this life forever and the problem which always holds me back is before the Xbox and all the silly little games he was great and hand on heart the one for me and I always end up thinking maybe he'll go back to the way he was.

Rockporkchop

Get rid of him, you are only 27 and shouldn't be living life like this. You have been trying to change him for six years without success - he is never going to change. Don't waste another second of your fertile years on this manchild. You deserve better.

WantToBeSE

G2012 wrote: »

I feel I can't talk to my family about this and since I have no real friends I thought I would come here. I hope you all don't mind.

My situation; I am 27, living with other half since I was 18, he is 31 next year. No kids, not engaged or married. I have PCOS and would eventually like a family and we have discussed this together but there's one huge problem!

He likes to play on the Xbox until silly o clock in the morning, he does nothing around the house to help and won't do it cause he doesn't want to. He chooses the Xbox over us (well that's what it feels like) I have no issue with him playing on it but just not all the time.

I can't envisage myself ever with a family because I don't want to be a one parent family while he is playing on his games.

We've talked, we've yelled over this and it has been like this for 6 years now.

Don't get me wrong I have a good life, we both work, don't struggle for a lot but I feel like I'm responsible for everything in the house and sorting everything. If I don't do things like the dishes they never get done (I've threw out dishes before after they were left out in the hope he would clean up). I don't mind being the person to do all the cleaning etc but I work more hours then him, I'm out 13 hours per day and have to come in and start tea tidying up etc, we can't afford for me to drop hours so I'm stuck.

He asked me to wash the bedding yesterday but since he didn't get up till 1pm I said I would do it today, he strolled out of bed at 16:15 despite me waking him up several times.

Sometimes I feel like I live with a child and he doesn't see the problem. When it reaches the bubbling over point he always says he will change, but never does and I want him to want to change not me push him into it.

Can anyone offer advice? I'm seriously considering asking him to leave as I can't cope with this anymore, I feel lonely but I would rather be alone than live like this.

I think this says everything. If he hasnt changed after 6 years, i doubt he will.

G2012

Mrs.W wrote: »

Dear gosh! G2012, I cannot ever see your partner agreeing to father a child - it would too much competition for him.

Haha Mrs W totally made me laugh!! Thank you!

morganedge

Don't do any housework or cleaning for a few weeks.
Pretend like you don't care either. Always say you're too tired to clean/cook etc. Just read magazines or something instead. Do you think he'll crack at some point and tidy up for example?

edit: having said that though, It sounds like any positive change in behaviour regarding this would only be temporary. Sounds like its just the way he is.
I'm available....?......I'm pisces, I like walks on the beach and bags of pork rinds...

Valli

G2012 wrote: »

Sometimes I feel like I live with a child and he doesn't see the problem. When it reaches the bubbling over point he always says he will change, but never does and I want him to want to change not me push him into it.

This part says it all really. You aren't happy; you want him to change. He, however IS happy - he gets to do what he wants while you, in effect his parent, (as you yourself say) does what needs to be done in the home while he plays.
He won't change until he needs to change.

If he wants the bedding washed he can wash it - he can operate an X box - he can operate a WM.

You argue about it then he carries on doing whatever.

So either you force a change - for instance there could be a rota - you cook; he washes up etc. He can put a wash on - he's 31 not 3. He can dry it and iron it too. You iron your stuff - he can iron his. Now you say you tried this - BUT if he doesn't do his chores - you don't do yours!

But whilever you continue to 'allow' him to be a child he will be a child.

Decision time - stay with him and he does chores (and goes to bed at a reasonable time befitting an adult not a teenager - and gets UP at a reasonable time for the same reason). Or you walk out.

G2012

Tigsteroonie wrote: »

I bet you do all the shopping, all the cleaning, all his washing ... stop doing things for him. You're not his mother

I agree! The problem I do wonder though is when he was at home his mam done everything for him, woke him up for work, carried his dirty dishes downstairs and washed them... And I think I've just let it carry on from there even though I voice my discontent every few months.

Cooper18

G2012 wrote: »

Thanks for all of your replies.

To be honest I feel like this quite often, but it goes away and then resurfaces and I think it's because I think it is a major problem.

I've tried the rota thing, it didn't even last three days!

I think you're right deep down my mind is made up and probably has been for a while now. I just don't want this life forever and the problem which always holds me back is before the Xbox and all the silly little games he was great and hand on heart the one for me and I always end up thinking maybe he'll go back to the way he was.

You're allowing him to stay the same though. Tell him it's over and mean it. Chuck him out or leave yourself. If he really wants it to work he'll change. Just because its over doesn't mean it's over for good, maybe he just needs to see what he's giving up. Perhaps when you have some time to yourself you'll realise he wasn't the right one after all. But you'll only know if you make a positive step in the right direction.

G2012

Thanks everyone.

If I do decide to end things, there never seems to be a right time to do it and I've never done it before so I'm a bit nervous but hopefully I may feel a bit relieved(?) that's not meant to sound heartless by the way afterwards