Any advice welcome

confusedofnorth

Hi everyone
I have a strange sort of problem and I am sorry if it is a bit long. I do post here regularly but have used a new name as a lot of my family also use the site. A quick background, I am 33, female, been married for 12 years. Before I met my husband I had been with both men and women and I told him this when I met him, not a problem (or so I thought), when I married my husband in my mind I was making a commitment to him, yes I probably would still feel attracted to women but I commited to my life with him and I am happy with that. I have never in all the years we have been together had any type of sexual contact with anyone else, male or female, but my husband has it stuck in his mind that every woman I make friends with I am going to want sex with. Now first off all my friends are straight so I wouldn't be 'trying' anything with them anyway, but regardless of that I made the commitment to spend my life with him and have every intention of sticking to it. Its just getting to be a constant chore all the time now, I have tried reasurring him, arguing with him, pleading with him, just everything but he won't accept that nothing is going on and I just don't know where to go from here, can I accept that for the rest of my life I am going to be accused of something everytime I have a woman friend, strangely he isn't bothered about male friends. I am not sure what advice I can be given to be honest I just felt I needed it off my chest. Thanks for listening and sorry for the length of the post.

mr218

that is a tricky problem. use reverse psychology. next time he mentions it, become very upset. accuse him of accusing you because he wants to sleep with other women. if he says it is ridiculous, tell him that he has a sexual inclination towards women and the reason he cannot trust you is that he cannot trust himself and his intentions towards other women. keep persisting in this mode of reply so that he can see how ridiculous he sounds when he imagines that you want to sleep with every woman you want. also tell him that you like men as well and if he is now goign to accuse you of wanting to sleep with every man you come across, then your life is going to be unbearable.

is there any particular reason why this has come about. did he see you with another female being tactile. i ask because i have female friends and we hug each other when we meet and i am more tactile with my female friends than with male ones. maybe he saw you with an attractive female friend and his mind started to imagine things.

is he feeling less unattractive, put on weight or having sexual problems. maybe that is where his insecurity stems from. you should be loving towards him at all other times so that he can see how committed you are towards him. meanwhile arrange to meet friends only in public places or in gatherings and tell him that pointedly as well.

Errata

Not sure if this will help but here goes. I have a gay friend in a same sex relationship and very settled and happy. The husband of one of her female friends is insanely jealous of their friendship and convinced 'something will happen'. Absolutely no chance of that, but he won't accept any reassurances from his wife. Maybe it's a bloke thing?
Have you tried any of the gay websites with forums? It may be that your situation isn't unique and you might get some info. on how other people have handled this kind of situation.

ktb

I would say that perhaps you might benefit from a bit of couples counselling. Your hubby has obviously become a bit insecure for whatever reason and it might really help if you were both able to voice how you are feeling on neutral ground with an experienced counsellor who could offer some advice. Relate have been recommended to me by my GP so they may be a good first point of call...

Good luck...

Carmina_Piranha_3

i know some men like that, they have this bizarre idea that gay men fancy every man they meet, and lesbians fancy every woman they meet. it makes no sense to me, you're no more likely to fancy every female you meet than i am to fancy every male i meet.

as has been suggested, ask him if he fancies every female he meets.

women do seem to have closer friendships than men though, are there women you phone more than once a day? my sister tends to have really close friendships with other women - almost like a relationship and they live in each other's pockets. it doesn't appeal to me, but i prefer male friends anyway because i'm not a girly girl. but if you're really close like that with female friends i suppose he might be jealous of the level of intimacy you have? not a reason for him to mistrust you though, you need to tell him he has no reason to feel threatened.

confusedofnorth

Thankyou all for the quick and helpful replies, its given me a lot more to think about.
mr218 - I cant think of any particular reason why he might be feeling like this now but I will have a think about it and see if I can pinpoint a reason, I'm not particularly tactile with any of my friends, I will give them a hug but that happens wether they are male or female.
Errata - Thanks, I will have a look and see what websites I can find and hopefully will find someone who has managed to overcome this type of problem.
ktb - I will certainly think about it, it can't go on like this forever so maybe that is a good option.
Carmina- yes thats it exactly, he thinks I fancy every woman, granted I have friends who I think are good looking, sexy, whatever but I firmly believe that commiting myself to marriage means I will stay faithful to him. Yes sometimes I speak to my best friend a couple of times a day and see her quite often but on the same hand I don't see her or speak to her any more often than he does with his male friends.
Thankyou all again, its been great to have a sound off.

gingercordial

Perhaps you could accuse him of wanting to sleep with his male friends??

Seriously though, men do seem to get a bit funny about this. I am straight and I have a lesbian friend who is in a long-term relationship. I get far more comments from OH about whether something "might happen" with her than with any of my numerous straight male single friends! All in jest in our case, but it does seem to prey on their minds, wishful thinking about them being allowed to watch I'm sure...

I would definitely follow mr218's advice, and ask him, "If I can't have female friends because I might fancy them, and I suppose I also can't have male friends because I might fancy them, exactly who can I be friends with?" And remind him of your marriage vows. He has got to learn to trust you!

liney

Does he actually like the idea of you being with a woman and want to join in .. ahem... Very strange to start the jelously after a whole 12 years.