Family matters

looja

Hello, I'm a newbie to this site and am wondering if anyone has gotten into debt because of their own family?

I'm 26, have never been in debt, always paid my bills on time, have always been careful with money and have never bought unecessary clothes or possessions and up until Xmas 2 years ago I had a very healthy savings account. Then a close relative got in financial trouble and I helped out by paying a few of their bills every month on the understanding they would be paid back. I then agreed to move in with said relative as we both needed new flatmates. Said relative moved into the new flat a few months before I did and as I was paying my half of the rent I also assumed they were aswell, until I moved in and they informed me they had not paid their half for 2 months. I then had to pay out over £1000 of my own money to ensure we weren't evicted. I was also informed that they couldn't afford to pay any utility bills inc council tax indefinately and also their rent for 2 further months. I dutifully paid all of these to avoid getting into arrears and also paid a £750 mobile phone bill of said relatives as we had no landline at the time. During the next 6 months I was forced to pay all utilities and also several other mobile phone bills so that they wouldn't be taken to court.

During this time I lost my job and have struggled to find another. My relative is very deeply in debt and cannot afford to pay me back what they now owe me (£6500). I cannot just stop giving the money as I know how much they earn and how much outgoings they have and they genuinely do not have enough money to pay the bills and food etc. I can't refuse them money for food, but they also constantly ask for money for going out, taxis etc. I leant them my bank card a few weeks ago to pay a phone bill over the phone and when I checked my bank statement found that money had also been spent at the supermarket and other shops without asking me first (yes, I had given them my pin number months ago, stupid I know!).

Their wages get paid into my bank a/c as they're in arrears with their own and treat my a/c as a joint a/c, demanding money for things and then telling me WE can't afford it when I treat myself (for the first time in 6 months) to some new clothes.

I have had no support from other family members as all they want to know is if I have found another job yet and don't seem to care that I have lost all my savings. I have also been told it's my own fault and that I should of just said no - they don't seem to understand that saying no is pretty difficult when you're facing eviction and threats of court orders over unpaid bills.

The lease on our flat is up in a few months and I am seriously thinking about moving hundreds of miles away just so I am not faced with the constant demands for money. I have had to take out a bank loan and now face the next five years working to pay it off.

Sorry this is so long, I guess I needed to vent and am curious to see if anyone else here is in debt for similar reasons.

Scottishmummy

Just want to send you hugs. What a situation to be in. To be honest I would stop, even if it does mean moving just so you don't get any hassle. They have actually committed fraud by using your card for the shoppiong etc but the fact you gave them your pin number probably won't help you there. I'm sure someone else will be along with some advice soon.

mrsmortenharket

you sound like a lovely person. But I think your reletive is taking the p1ss out of you now & it has to stop.

Can you move somewhere else.

I know I sound harsh but this person has to stand on their own 2 feet. It sounds as though this person is just relying on you to bail her out.

Change your PIN number. You can't do anything re fraud as you gave your pin number out I'm afraid.

Best of luck

Lisa

The_Eternal_Optimist_2

This sounds to me like you are being bullied for your money by your relative - do you feel threatened? intimidated? this is also emotional blackmail in my opinion. Do yourself a favour, disappear and leave relative in the lurch to pick up the bills - you won't get any of your money back and this is clearly making you very miserable

Get out as quickly as possible before you end up up to your ears in debt love.

There are givers in this life (you) and !!!! takers (your relative)

Life's too short to let someone else mess it up for you. you deserve better

Hugs

XX

janeawej

CRIKEY sorry but they are realy taking the p*** dont give (they may call it lend!) them any more, my mum had a good saying it was 'dont lend what you cant afford to give' I understand that you dont want to see them starve but do get yourself out of that situation ASAP they are using you. they have to face up to their problems and you are not realy helping them please get out and force them to face up to their problems before you are in the same boat as them!

KellsBells

Oh my word, YES!!

My Financial woes started with an extremely poor financial education from my parents. Bothe alcoholics, spent every penny we ever had on Booze and cigarettes - fab example THAT was!!

Then lived with my Maternal Grandmother (God, I miss you, Nanna.xx) and While she took us in when our parents could no longer be ars*d with us, I can certainly see now where my Mum's budgeting skills came from!!

She ran up masses of debts, with credit cards and small loan companies, doorstop collectors etc etc that in the end I was signing my name to agreements for money for her which then she would pay a little each week off.

Until she died of course - and as I signed them - I had to pay them.... which meant ignoring the mortgage and the occasion c/tax bill and so on!!

Then, worse than my Mum and Nan, are my brother, who still owes me at the moment £1100, and as his house is getting repossessed in two and a half weeks, I guess i'll never see any of that again.

Family!!!!!!!!!!

Mozette

Well you don't get to choose your family, but you can choose not to let them take advantage of you. Sorry for your relative being in debt, but how does it help if you get into debt as well? Get somewhere on your own that you can afford, and tell them that you are going to stand on your own two feet and suggest they do likewise. Tough love, for want of a better phrase, but they'll never learn if you keep bailing them out.
You're obviously a really kind person, :A but start being kinder to yourself.

virgin_moneysaver

looja wrote: »

Hello, I'm a newbie to this site and am wondering if anyone has gotten into debt because of their own family?

I'm 26, have never been in debt, always paid my bills on time, have always been careful with money and have never bought unecessary clothes or possessions and up until Xmas 2 years ago I had a very healthy savings account. Then a close relative got in financial trouble and I helped out by paying a few of their bills every month on the understanding they would be paid back. I then agreed to move in with said relative as we both needed new flatmates. Said relative moved into the new flat a few months before I did and as I was paying my half of the rent I also assumed they were aswell, until I moved in and they informed me they had not paid their half for 2 months. I then had to pay out over £1000 of my own money to ensure we weren't evicted. I was also informed that they couldn't afford to pay any utility bills inc council tax indefinately and also their rent for 2 further months. I dutifully paid all of these to avoid getting into arrears and also paid a £750 mobile phone bill of said relatives as we had no landline at the time. During the next 6 months I was forced to pay all utilities and also several other mobile phone bills so that they wouldn't be taken to court.

During this time I lost my job and have struggled to find another. My relative is very deeply in debt and cannot afford to pay me back what they now owe me (£6500). I cannot just stop giving the money as I know how much they earn and how much outgoings they have and they genuinely do not have enough money to pay the bills and food etc. I can't refuse them money for food, but they also constantly ask for money for going out, taxis etc. I leant them my bank card a few weeks ago to pay a phone bill over the phone and when I checked my bank statement found that money had also been spent at the supermarket and other shops without asking me first (yes, I had given them my pin number months ago, stupid I know!).

Their wages get paid into my bank a/c as they're in arrears with their own and treat my a/c as a joint a/c, demanding money for things and then telling me WE can't afford it when I treat myself (for the first time in 6 months) to some new clothes.

I have had no support from other family members as all they want to know is if I have found another job yet and don't seem to care that I have lost all my savings. I have also been told it's my own fault and that I should of just said no - they don't seem to understand that saying no is pretty difficult when you're facing eviction and threats of court orders over unpaid bills.

The lease on our flat is up in a few months and I am seriously thinking about moving hundreds of miles away just so I am not faced with the constant demands for money. I have had to take out a bank loan and now face the next five years working to pay it off.

Sorry this is so long, I guess I needed to vent and am curious to see if anyone else here is in debt for similar reasons.

stop now - this is only gonna get worse - you are their cash cow & they'll keep on taking - you've got to protect yourself - you've got nothing to reproach yourself over, you tried to help but some people can't be helped - let them help themselves - it's called tough love - walk away before you can't repay what you already owe - best of luck

Dithering_Dad

Hi Looja, I'm not great at offering advice but luckily most people in here are so I'm sure with the replies you've had already and the ones that'll come later you'll be able to decide what's best for you to do.

What I would like to say is just how lovely a person you seem to be! I hope that the actions of your parasitic relative doesn't sour your sweet nature.

You just need to be able to learn the difference between someone genuinely needs help to get back on their feet and someone who just wants handouts.

By saying 'no' to your relative you'll help them more in the long run because they will have to face their financial problems and deal with them. If you keep helping your relative then you'll be dragged down too and then be of no help to anyone.

Hope you find a solution to this.

xxx

ZTD

I would recommend you read the entirety of this thread written by someone in a somewhat similar situation and the steps she is taking to overcome it.

postingalwaysposting

hi looja

i have only just seen this thread and its so simmaler to my own story (see link above ~ thanks ztd) i was being used left right and centre by two of my family in the house i live, to the extent that i was in debt due to buying things i wanted using debt because i had given away all my wages... now however i have learned the word no, its been hard and tough sometimes especially when they intimidate and bully you but its getting better and not one has asked for money for nearly 1 month. However i have a bigger plan and am hoping to move out soon, this will then help me and my family deal with some of the problems...

good luck i hope you can overcome these problems with some help from others on this forum...