Divorced parents at wedding - help!

sunshine2223

Hi all, I'm more of a lurker than a poster but I'm hoping for a bit of advice before I lose it and just cancel the whole thing!

In a nutshell, both my parents and my fiance's parents are divorced and have been for a few years now. All parents have new partners but there's still a lot of bad feeling. Fiance and I talked about what we wanted for our wedding, discussed eloping but decided that we didn't want that, that we wanted a day with our friends and family and it's all now booked for May 2013. We thought that our parents could cope with being in the same room for one afternoon for such a special occasion... How wrong we were!

My Mum's partner offered to not attend for the day (he's blameless in my parent's break up but knows that my Dad thinks otherwise, wrongly) and I said that there's no way that I could exclude him, that all the partners of our parents were invited as it wouldn't be fair otherwise and that was that.

But now I've had my Dad crying, saying that if it was up to him he wouldn't come... He said he'd do it for me but doesn't know how he's going to cope on the day and is dreading it and I have no idea what to do! We've already said that we won't have a top table, will carefully arrange seating and do what we can within reason to make the day less awkward for all concerned, but it's our day and we hope they can respect that. I just don't know if I can go through with it knowing that my Dad doesn't want to be there, but all I've ever wanted is for him to walk me down the aisle

There are almost identical problems on my fiance's parents side so I won't bore you all with the same story twice.

My friends are saying that it's our day, we need to be selfish and everyone else can just get on with it but I'm so torn... I don't see that I can enjoy "the happiest day of my life" knowing that our families are so miserable.

Is anyone else in a similar situation? How are you dealing with it?

Loanranger

This was the same situation in my family and the couple getting married had a register office wedding with two witnesses, only one of whom was a parent. Down the pub afterwards for a meal and drinks.
They were very happy indeed: they saved many thousands of pounds; no-one felt excluded; there were no opportunities for unpleasantness and the result was the same... a marriage certificate and a happy life ahead. (Minus a lot of unnecessary debt)
The pub afterwards comprised the four people at the ceremony.

sunshine2223

Thanks Loanranger. I guess we should've planned something like that from the start, but we really thought it wouldn't be as much of an issue as it has been.

I guess, at the risk of sounding like a selfish cow, I'm bitter that my fiance and I have spent years dealing with the issues of parents separating and divorcing and all the associated problems such as birthdays, christmas etc. without a grumble, but they can't do the same in return for one afternoon?

I know that it's the marriage which is important, not the wedding, which is why I'm seriously considering eloping... I don't think I can do it the way we want knowing how much upset I'm causing. But I know we're going to upset grandparents and siblings by cancelling, not to mention all the friends and family who have already booked accomodation as many people are travelling across the country to be at the wedding. I'm also worried that it might cause parents to blame each other for us cancelling it.

Just feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place!

Miss_Havisham

just tell them all firmly that they WILL manage to be civil to each other for a few hours in your honour. They will NOT show you or themselves up just to get back at the ex's for things that were said and done years ago.

In short tell them to behave like decent adults for the day. It truly is all about you and your fiance.

hope you have a great wedding and a long happy marriage ahead of you.

Miss H xx

PetuliaGristle

Hi sunshine, I'm sorry you're so torn over your special day. Although my parents attended my first wedding with their new partners, and behaved, there was a lot of angst beforehand.

Firstly, you are not being at all selfish, in fact you're being very considerate of your parents' feeings.

Your friends are right, it's your day. What is the best option for you?
1) cancelling?
2) eloping?
3) going ahead?

I totally understand your frustration that they can't bury the hatchet just for one day, for your sake, from experience you and I both know that it's not that simple.

Cancelling and eloping involves upsetting guests who've already booked accommodation and travel, and going ahead gives both sets of parents the option of attending or not.

I'm sorry if this sounds a bit insensitive, there really is no simple answer. To be harsh, it's your wedding and your decision whether to go ahead or not, it's how you feel that counts.

Bennifred

I'm not surprised you're fed up! I do think your Dad is very selfish to make you feel this way, no matter how bad he feels, he shouldn't have put it on you! Their relationship problems should remain just that - theirs.

If I were you (and I know it's easy for an outsider to say this!) I would go ahead and arrange the wedding you and your fiance want, tell all concerned that this is what you want and try very hard not to get caught up in your parents' angst. They are old enough to control themselves on your special day! I'm sure that when it comes down to it, it will go well. They may even find that they enjoy it more that they feared, having built it all up in their minds into something that won't in fact happen.....and if they don't, well it's just one day when they will put you first for once!

DueMarch11

Same situation here, both sets of parents seperated and have new partners, well, apart from my dad who sadly died but he did have a new wife who will still be coming with her new husband (quite a complicated family!)

You say all parents have new partners now? That includes your dad? If so I cant see why he is so upset and in tears over something that took place years ago if he has now moved on and found happiness with someone else?

We are quite lucky that for the most part, our parents and new partners are quite civil with each other. Apart from OH's mum and dad, there is some bitterness and resentment there and it isnt often that they have to be in the same room. The last time was when they both happened to come over to our house at the same time when our son was born, his mum was already there when his dad turned up and she was told in no uncertain terms to be civil and not cause a scene in my house.

The same will be said for our wedding, it is our day and anyone that causes any discomfort or a scene will feel the bridezilla wrath! Sounds harsh but I'll be damned if anyone spoils our day. Like you say we have had to put up with split christmasses, birthdays etc so they can have the decency to be adults for the day.

I hope you find a solution, I say put your foot down, tell your dad to stop being selfish (hard, being your dad but needs must) and to do his duty as your father. xxx

Scotsbride

I was worried about this at our wedding with my parents. but it was ok I guess because they had seen each other before at things like birthdays, graduation and others wedding. With respect to photos I supect this will be uncomfortable for both families so I would suggest you do separate group shots. Also I found it difficult with my step mum before the wedding and with spendig time with everyone but I'm glad I spent time with both my mum and my dad and step mum before the wedding make sure it's somewhere neutral if you go down this route.

floss2

Just from the perspective of a divorced parent, all I will want if/when my sons get married is for them to have the day they & their beloved want. I do not speak to their dad, and we have both remarried, but I will speak to my ex and his wife when any occasions occur, as will my husband.

If my either of my kids felt that the thought of bad behaviour from either of their parents made them feel that they had to get married away from all of us, I would be ashamed of myself and rightly so.

OP I think that you could maybe consider writing to both of your parents and ask them to think of you & your fiance for this one day only and to ask for them to be grown-up and civil to all the other guests at your wedding day, including their ex-spouse. You obviously do not want to go through it without them there, but also you do not want them to spoil the day for anyone with any childish behaviour.

Mojisola

floss2 wrote: »

OP I think that you could maybe consider writing to both of your parents and ask them to think of you & your fiance for this one day only and to ask for them to be grown-up and civil to all the other guests at your wedding day, including their ex-spouse. You obviously do not want to go through it without them there, but also you do not want them to spoil the day for anyone with any childish behaviour.

They should at least be able to do this for you!

However, I would be very diplomatic when it came to the photos, even if it means paying for more to be done so that you can keep them all apart!

sunshine2223

Thanks to all for your replies.

Yes, my Dad does have a partner but I think they're having some problems at the moment which is probably making all this more difficult for him. He's never gotten over my Mum leaving him and is bitter that she is building a life with her partner. In his defence, my Mum made some bad choices about things that she said and did when they split up which made it difficult for my Dad to move on and accept it was over. He's finding the idea of seeing her and her new partner together very difficult as they've never been in the same room before.

Fiance got home from work last night and was quite angry that my Dad had said these things. We talked about changing our plans but it didn't feel right. I've decided to try talking to my Dad once more but be more firm with him. We've spent years pandering to everyone elses feelings, we're going to have one afternoon of selfishness and everyone is going to behave!

Thanks again for your advice everyone, I was very emotional yesterday and it helped to let off steam and hear that other people have gotten through their wedding day with divorced parents