Help for parent of man accused of downloading child pornography

poppy444

Hello everyone

First of all I'm sorry for the really blunt title, I just didn't know what else to put.

I've been a member here for many years but have joined on behalf of my friend who I am trying to help.

Today she found out (via the local newspaper) that her adult son (age 50) has been to Magistrate's court charged with making, distributing and having over 10,000 indecent still and moving images of children These offences have been committed while he was living with his ex partner over a period of approx 18 months. The case is going to the Crown Court in the new year.

These are all the details we know, she hasn't had contact with her son for quite a while. She is obviously disgusted, shocked, saddened and heartbroken to say the least. My friend knows that the poor children involved in this are the ones who are going to suffer and need all help available and she's feeling guilty that she can't just 'cope' with this, she is just so overwhelmed by everything at the moment.

Does anyone know if there is any where she could go to get any advice on how to deal with all the emotions she is feeling and also to help her understand what might happen in the future.

Many thanks, Poppy

Person_one

Poor woman, what a shock.

She could go to her GP and asked to be referred to a counsellor, but that could take a long time. She could see a counsellor privately if that's an option.

There's a helpline for families of offenders here: http://www.offendersfamilieshelpline.org/ but she could also give the Samaritans a ring if she just needs to 'get it out' and have someone listen who won't be judgemental. You don't have to be suicidal to call them.

meritaten

Poppy, I feel sorry for the lady, and my first thought was Victim Support, but, on reflection I am not sure they would count your friend as a 'victim'? To me she does qualify as such. perhaps you could ring them and find out for her? Because they really do know the court process etc.
If they cannot help then perhaps the Samaritans will know someone who can?
I know its no consolation, but, my heart goes out to her, as I bet she is now beating herself up wondering just where 'She' went wrong as a parent.

pink_princess

Does she believe the charges could be true? If so that would be very hard to deal with

Person one gave you a great link, please get your friend to use it.

Spirit_2

This organisation is a charity set up to stop child sex abuse. It works to stop reoffending and also supports the families of offenders

http://www.lucyfaithfull.org/

poppy444

Person_one wrote: »

Poor woman, what a shock.

She could go to her GP and asked to be referred to a counsellor, but that could take a long time. She could see a counsellor privately if that's an option.

There's a helpline for families of offenders here: but she could also give the Samaritans a ring if she just needs to 'get it out' and have someone listen who won't be judgemental. You don't have to be suicidal to call them.

Thank you, that website looks really helpful, I've forwarded that to her now. I also didn't know that the Samaritans are available for situations like this, I think it will do her the world of good just to be able to talk it all out.

meritaten wrote: »

Poppy, I feel sorry for the lady, and my first thought was Victim Support, but, on reflection I am not sure they would count your friend as a 'victim'? To me she does qualify as such. perhaps you could ring them and find out for her? Because they really do know the court process etc.
If they cannot help then perhaps the Samaritans will know someone who can?
I know its no consolation, but, my heart goes out to her, as I bet she is now beating herself up wondering just where 'She' went wrong as a parent.

Thank you, I will give them a call tomorrow, it won't hurt to just ask and if they can't help they may know who can.

She is doing exactly that I'm trying so hard to help and support but I obviously can't take away the hurt she is feeling, she brought up five children by herself so she thinks she can be the only one to blame I've tried saying he is a grown man who hasn't bothered with her for ages and that she has no control over what he does with his life. I feel physically sick just thinking about it so I can't imagine what she is feeling inside.

Thank you both again x

ognum

poppy444 wrote: »

Hello everyone

First of all I'm sorry for the really blunt title, I just didn't know what else to put.

I've been a member here for many years but have joined on behalf of my friend who I am trying to help.

Today she found out (via the local newspaper) that her adult son (age 50) has been to Magistrate's court charged with making, distributing and having over 10,000 indecent still and moving images of children These offences have been committed while he was living with his ex partner over a period of approx 18 months. The case is going to the Crown Court in the new year.

These are all the details we know, she hasn't had contact with her son for quite a while. She is obviously disgusted, shocked, saddened and heartbroken to say the least. My friend knows that the poor children involved in this are the ones who are going to suffer and need all help available and she's feeling guilty that she can't just 'cope' with this, she is just so overwhelmed by everything at the moment.

Does anyone know if there is any where she could go to get any advice on how to deal with all the emotions she is feeling and also to help her understand what might happen in the future.

Many thanks, Poppy

Poppy

You could be the person this lady needs most right now. If she feels safe to confide her feelings, her hopes and her fears with you then perhaps you can be her listening ear.

It could be that she needs private help but if you say to her that she is free to talk to you, you will maintain her confidentiality and be there for her when she needs you this may be what she needs.

Listen, you don't need to say much, be non judgemental, ask open questions if needed and hold her hand when you need to. mostly just be there for her.

poppy444

pink_princess wrote: »

Does she believe the charges could be true? If so that would be very hard to deal with

Person one gave you a great link, please get your friend to use it.

One of her other children has confirmed that the man will be pleading guilty to all charges and that with all the evidence that was found on his pc there would have been no way he could have denied it

poppy444

ognum wrote: »

Poppy

You could be the person this lady needs most right now. If she feels safe to confide her feelings, her hopes and her fears with you then perhaps you can be her listening ear.

It could be that she needs private help but if you say to her that she is free to talk to you, you will maintain her confidentiality and be there for her when she needs you this may be what she needs.

Listen, you don't need to say much, be non judgemental, ask open questions if needed and hold her hand when you need to. mostly just be there for her.

Thank you, I will do my very best to help her all I can, even if it is just a hug and a listen. I'm a bit worried that I'm not qualified to offer her specific help with regards to what might happen next or in the future so I'm really grateful for the links to help with that but yes I will be here for her in the first instance.

Poppy x

pink_princess

poppy444 wrote: »

One of her other children has confirmed that the man will be pleading guilty to all charges and that with all the evidence that was found on his pc there would have been no way he could have denied it

Then she will need you and outside support, just do not let her blame herself like some parents do.

Her other children may need to talk aswell

meritaten

and poppy - you may need to offload yourself after talking to this lady. Don't be hesitant to ring the Sams yourself if you need to 'talk'! Everything you say to them is confidential and it may help you cope with your own feelings on this.
This is important for your own mental health poppy. By being a friend and listening to Your friend offload - you can often take on yourself 'their' problems. You are obviously deeply caring because you have posted looking for help............you could easily be 'sucked in' to the situation and not be able to maintain the objectivity a trained counsellor or Samaritans volunteer can.
I am not trying to put you off or put you down hun - I am concerned about YOU! OK?