My 4 year olds crying & tantrums fits - I don't know how much more I can take....

drivingmeinsane

Well, it's taken a lot to post on here but I really do not know how much more I can take. I have 2 kids, one of 3 and one of 4, the 3 year old is just fine - naughty as all boys are but it is fine, if my daughter were like him then I think I could cope, however my daughter is not and I don't know how more I can take. This morning I stopped short of smacking her really hard because she has screwed up a present my son made for me and thrown it at me - and this is just not right but I am not sure what to do.

The problem is her constant crying and winging and her attitude towards me. She throws things at me, she spat at my husband the other day and she shouts at me all the time - and it is constant. She woke this morning at 7am, I gave her a cuddle and she told me she was cold and wanted her duvet (downstairs - I was ironing) I said no and to cover up with the blanket (sheet) she had bought down - this warranted a 10 minute crying fit as it was not good enough and wanted a duvet. She went off and changed her pyjamas into those from the bottom of the draw that are too small, she had a crying fit over this. Did she want breakfast - No, fine I won't do it then, a screaming fit that she wanted breakfast, then her chair was not close enough to the table, another crying fit despite the fact it is a lightweight chair she can move herself - I was in the kitchen making breakfast. I sent her to her room to calm down and called her down after 10 minutes - that was another little whinge as she did not want it, I said fine I'll throw it away and then she came down for it.

we have to go get ready for school in a minute, she'll have another crying fit over the uniform as the dress is 'too baggy' and her socks are 'too big' she expects her clothes to fit perfect for her else we get another screaming fit for 5 minutes.

This is just typical morning and I love when she is at school for 2 1/2 hours as I get some peace. Horrible though it seems.

I am at the end of my tether, my husband calls and always ask how is it and she'll be screaming in the background for something or another as she has not been giving it the minute she asks. All the time it is because something is not going her way, the way she wants it at the time she wants it. I know all kids are like this - but all day? I have been at home with them since birth and I try my best and if it was not for my son I would realy think that this mothering stuff was not for me as I really cannot cope with the constant crying and whinging all day but I have tried everything to make it better that I can think of. I am now wondering if it is normal for her to be like this or whether I should get help. She can be perfectly fine which makes me think otherwise, it is just when things are not going the way she wants them - like a 2 year old but I would have thought she should have grown out of this by now. Is this my fault?

If she is dpoing Arts and Crafts, which she loves, she will sit there all day but will not go outside and play at all and if I send her outside after 10 minutes the crying starts as she wants this, that or the other and if I do not drop what I am doing immidiately it starts again. however, I am here because I have a house to run and I still have to do things like make dinner and do the housework which means I can't drop stuff and do it the minute she asks. I work from home but do most of the work stuff in the evening, sure there will be the occassional time that I do a little work in the day and gode forbid if I try and use the internet but most of it is done while they are at school in the mornings so that side does not interfere with them so why do I feel so bad the minute I sit and want to read the paper or watch the news - is a mother not allowed to do these things.

I am on the brink of tears as I write this mail as I am far beyond trying to work out how I deal with her behaiour. I try ignoring it but after a few hours of listening to screaming it is going right through me. I do feel it best to ignore her while she is having the tantrums but it is difficult and I will end up shouting at her because I can''t even speak to her as she is screaming - I know this is not right and I do not feel good doing it but I would rather scream that hit and short of screaming what else can I do to make myself heard over the crying. If I walk away she will still be crying an hour later for whatever it was she wanted so ignoring does not work. When we have to get ready for school and she is throwing a major wobbler over her dress. On Tuesday I just said fine, don't wear it, she took it off, I let her get on with it and about 10 minutes before due to go said we was leaving and then she will get ready - however, between the space of getting ready and then saying I was going she was upstairs screaming over the damn dress and I have to listen to this so it is easier said than done to let her get on with it. Nothing stops her unless she gets to wear what she wants to wear when she wants and how she wants.

Please someone tell me that this behaviour will stop soon as I don't know how much more I can take. I wish I could afford full time day care so I could just get rid of her for the day and that is not right. I don't have anyone that helps with childcare except of course my husband who is working and my sister who pops around for half hour here and there - everyone else is working. I do not expect anyone to look after my kids - don't get me wrong - I don't go out, I am not that interested in it, we just go out if something really good is on at the cinema - I have been there and done that, I get my break when the kids are sleeping and I am a mum, they come first and I do not begrudge this at all, it is just my daughters behaviour that I am past coping with and I don't want it turning me into a vile cow.

I loved the idea of having a daughter (In fact I dreading having a boy) but I feel I am slowly starting to hate her and I don't want to be like this. I dread everything from getting up in the morning to going to bed. We always end the night with story time, 2 stories each but she has started having tantrums at bedtime and I have stopped her stories and just read them to my son and send her to bed. I feel bad doing this at bedtime but how else so I punish tantrums at bathtime. I have tried sticker charts but they do not work.

I am asking for advice really and on whether anyone knows how long this will last for. I don't want my days to be filled with hate and dread of doing somthing like getting dressed. Which is where we are off to now and it is the worst part of the morning. Please can someone offer me some advice or put my mind at rest. Thank you.

Tam_Lin

I don't have answers as I don't have kids (thank goodness), but I do feel for you - I can read the desperation in your post. Could she be reacting to any additives or ingredients in her food? A friend of mine has an autistic son who reacts very badly to corn. Could it be anxiety or resentment that she's now a big girl at school and by definition can't have your attention all day? Is it worth talking to her teacher to find out what she's like when she's there?

Anniek1969

Have to go in a min but just thought I would say I know how you feel, I have 3 daughters and the oldest two were great as kids they're just making up for it now at 14 and 12 lol. But my youngest has just turned 4 and it's as if she's making up for all the bad things she never done until now. She screams like a demon if she doesn't get what she wants and it really is a battle of wills between us as i'm as determined not to give her her own way as she is to have it.

Like you I only really have my DH to help out and he's at work most of the time so some nights by the time it's bedtime I feel like I could just lock myself in the toilet and cry. You're not alone in feeling like this and it is draining having to listen to a kid shouting and screaming.

I find the naughty couch does work when she behaves badly and I also count to 3 so she has to stop by the time I reach 3 or she goes to her room. The screaming is another thing, the only thing I've found that works (and I know it's a bit naughty) is that I told her that only the dogs can hear her because she's so loud and if she keeps it up all the dogs that live nearby will think she's shouting on them and will come into the garden and see what she's shouting for. She loves dogs but the thought of having a lot of dogs in the garden is enough to scare her into stopping screaming. I know some people will say that it's wrong but it works and it's the only thing that i've found that stops the screaming.

Got to go but just remember there are others out there suffering these tantrums and you are not alone in how you feel. From experience with the older 2 and extended family it will pass and it's maybe her way of trying to see how far she can push you. Just try and stay calm and be consistent when she misbehaves and try and take just a little time out for yourself (easier said than done). Hope that helps a bit.

Miss_Behaving

Hi, I can't answer in depth as I have to go to work but...

Was she like this before your son was born? If not, this is possibly a reaction to having a younger sibling especially if she started nursery just after his birth. Do you still have special one to one time with her now that you have two? She may just be craving your attention and despite it being negative attention any attention is better than none. You say that she is capable to calming herself down and completing the task you've set her so frustrating as it is I would just leave her to get on with it. Praise her when she complies and this may result in her being more co-operative in future.

With regard to the household chores, could you get her involved. Since Pledge brought out their duster wipes, my house has never been so clean - I give one each to the children and the one with the most dust gets first choice from the treat basket.

Remember, when children are at their most horrible, it's when they need your love the most!

aeuerby

Did you ever see any of the "super nanny" type programmes?
They covered similar situations to yours a few times.

I'm trying to remember the "highlights" to try and help.

Firstly Jo would tell the parents to have a look at their own behaviour.
Are they always shouting at the child etc?
The main thing through out all her advice was to keep calm - even when you start to get really annoyed and frustrated and tired.


The child would then be set "rules of the house" and a reward system/sticker chart would be put in place.

The next thing would be to find a "naughty step/chair/room" where they would go and spend a minute for however old they are.
The time would not start until the child was sat on the step or whatever and stayed there.
From then if the child was good they got a reward.
If they were bad they would get a calm warning.
If they carried on they would be calmly taken to the naughty area and do the "time".
Once the time was done the parent would go to the child, calmly explaine why they were punished and ask for an apology and then have a hug.
The child would not leave until they gave an apology.

For the first few times this could take hours but the trick is not to give in and above all be consistant.

From then Jo would ask the parents to become involved in their childs life if you like.
Set time for 1 on 1 play with the child, play as a family, go out as a family, that kind of thing.

Have a look at http://www.supernanny.co.uk/Advice.aspx
I haven't used the site myself so don't know if it's any good but it may be worth a try?

It's tough when a child is hard to look after. But there is help out there and on this board.
I think the main thing is whatever direction you decide to take you must stick to your guns and be consistant.
The minute you give in the child becomes confused and their behaviour deteriorates.
Good luck, and shout up if you need any more help and support.

ravenfire_2

I have three daughters and I do really feel for you.

It might help to talk to other parents in similar situations and if you goto http://www.mumszone.co.uk/forums there is a very supportive forum there.

Also, dont know if you ever have tried reward charts as they can really help. Take a look at

http://www.mumszone.co.uk/Mumszone_Site_Articles/Parenting_Articles/Reaping_the_Rewards_of_Child_Behaviour/

Becles

Some things that have worked when mine had tantrums:

Always back up your reasons, so they understand exactly why you said no - eg "you can't have the duvet downstairs because..." "it's too warm", "you'll be having breakfast in 10 mins" etc.

If they have a tantrum, just say "I'm sorry, I don't understand when you whine. Come back when you can talk in a normal voice" and then totally ignore them.

If they go wild, still ignore them, and potter on with your usual tasks while singing a cheery tune as if to say "yeah I'm not bothered and you're not getting my attention with that behaviour".

Once they calm down, you can explain why tantrums don't work, and have a chat about how to behave while having a cuddle.

cobbingstones

Ohh you poor thing sending you tons and tons of hugs (((((( ))))))


MM xxxxxx

ps we all go through these emotions with our kids and yes it does get better (until they reach the teens!)

victory

Have you watched 'super nanny'? Every child can be 'made' to behave, none of the children on the show are a lost cause and super nanny has some brilliant ideas and ways of bringing them back to good behaviour, go to the library and get the books or see if sky tele still runs the shows but she has helped millions of children all around the world, one thing that she is adamant about is never reward bad behaviour and ignore it, the child end up hysterical at times but eventually calms down and realises that they cannot behave that way....

A child may have other issues that make the mis behaving happen so questions need to be asked whether there is something else that is the root of it all?

Tam_Lin

Becles wrote: »

If they have a tantrum, just say "I'm sorry, I don't understand when you whine. Come back when you can talk in a normal voice" and then totally ignore them.

Excellent - I'm going to try that tactic on DH.

bluebell13

Okay then. First of all is she due to start school full-time in September? she may just be ready for more structure. DS behaviour has been much better since he started in Jan. Loves it. Loves all the lessons and the different experiences that only school can give.

Sounds like she wants something more from you, but not sure what. Is she able to tell you why she is crying or is it all a ploy to get your attention? Does she misbehave to get your attention. Is she kind to her brother and do they get on. Both my children have been better since they are apart for some of the day. DD (2) loves having me to herself, and I try to take DS out on his own occasionally.

Fianally, on the positive side, things do get better. Some of the suggestions made by others about Supernanny are definitely worth a try. Dont beat yourself up. We have all had times like this and they do pass eventually.