What can I do?

postingalwaysposting

lonely didnt want to read and not post... i know it may seem hard now but you really do need to sit down with your oh... he may not know it but he is not helping you with not paying the shortfall (as chevalier pointed out) but please its hard enough dealing with debt without doing it alone... good luck, thinking of you

lonely2

Thanks to everyone for the advice so far. Just to answer a few of the queries I was asked.

More overtime is not an option as I have nobody to look after the kids (My OH believes that's not his "department" but I'm OK with that because they are best looked after by me anyway). My mum is an alcoholic who just gives me grief all the time - I'd like to say that part of the reason why I am in so much debt but feel that would be trying to switch the blame. I only have myself to blame. My Dad left when I was small and lives a distance away from me.

I get my travel expenses reimbursed by my work as I am currently seconded to a different job. They also pay for my mobile phone so I only have my house phone to pay. I never go out socialising or drink alcohol - for obvious reasons - so the internet is my only "luxury". It costs £14 p/m and I did forget about it on my SOA. If I stopped my Sky subscription my OH would definitely know something was up. My hair is quite long so I just cut my fringe myself and go to the hairdressers about twice a year (£10 a time). My food bill is £400 per month but that includes all packed lunches for 4 of us so it would be difficult to shave anything off that.

I definitely have had my lightbulb moment but just don't know how to deal with it.

I can't change my mortage just now as my tie in fees are approx £1,600.
I can't change my electricity supplier as I have "total heating with total control" and only Scottish Hydro supply that.
I really would like to keep my critical illness cover so that if anything happens to me I know my children will be OK and not left with heaps of debt. They don't have other family members to help out if the worst happened so it's security for them.
My OH only pays that amount coz that's all I'm getting. If I need £2 for bread and milk it causes a drama so it's just not worth asking for any more from him.

If my OH does catch me crying (which doesn't happen very often) he doesn't bother asking what's wrong. It's like he doesn't care but I'm not 100% sure because why would he stay otherwise, it could just be a bit of paranoia on my part as I am feeling low due to my debts. I mostly manage to keep a smiley face on for the kids and am OK at work because it takes my mind off it.

Hope this answers most of the questions but please do keep in touch as I don't have anyone else to talk to. I truly am not looking for sympathy as I got myself here so I will get myself out - then I will deal with other problems I have. I am only looking for advice and support. I am taking bad with all this as I am a very independent person and have not ever had to ask for help before for anything.

Thank you all so much

johnbfan

Hi Lonely2

My situation is reverse to yours - the OH got himself in lots of debt (£11,000 in total) and did not say. I found out at Christmas about some of it, and have been trying to sort him out since. Trouble is as time has gone on I found out that what he told me at Christmas was just the tip of the ice berg, now when he says he's told me everything I just don't believe him.

He says he will never do it again and promises that he wants it to be sorted out.
When you do tell - make sure you tell all. Dont hide anything and show him all he paperwork you have, including all bank statements - EVERYTHING. I will never trust my OH again, or believe anything he says about finance. He has destroyed that trust and I just can't believe him. Dont make him feel like that. Be open, honest and truthful right from the start.

clearskies

Hi, just wanted to say well done for taking the first step in dealing with your debt. I know it might not feel like much but it is the first step of many and the first step is always the hardest. There are some great people on this site who are always ready to give you great advice and support, so you are definately not alone!

I agree with what others have said - if you can contact CAB or Payplan to get some sort of arrangement sorted out you will start to feel stronger and better able to cope.

All the best!!!

lonely2

I will tell him everything when the time is right but as I don't get support from him in other areas then I know what his reaction will be. Our relationship lacks a lot but I will deal with that later. Thanks for your advice

chunky79

lonely2 wrote: »

Thanks to everyone for the advice so far. Just to answer a few of the queries I was asked.

More overtime is not an option as I have nobody to look after the kids (My OH believes that's not his "department" but I'm OK with that because they are best looked after by me anyway). My mum is an alcoholic who just gives me grief all the time - I'd like to say that part of the reason why I am in so much debt but feel that would be trying to switch the blame. I only have myself to blame. My Dad left when I was small and lives a distance away from me.

I get my travel expenses reimbursed by my work as I am currently seconded to a different job. They also pay for my mobile phone so I only have my house phone to pay. I never go out socialising or drink alcohol - for obvious reasons - so the internet is my only "luxury". It costs £14 p/m and I did forget about it on my SOA. If I stopped my Sky subscription my OH would definitely know something was up. My hair is quite long so I just cut my fringe myself and go to the hairdressers about twice a year (£10 a time). My food bill is £400 per month but that includes all packed lunches for 4 of us so it would be difficult to shave anything off that.

I know it seems hard i am in the process of cutting mine down and so far i am looking at cutting mine down by £150 a month and thats 4 6 of us baby in nappies and still on formula. There is some very good adviceon here for cutting back grocery bills

I definitely have had my lightbulb moment but just don't know how to deal with it.

I can't change my mortage just now as my tie in fees are approx £1,600.
I can't change my electricity supplier as I have "total heating with total control" and only Scottish Hydro supply that.
I really would like to keep my critical illness cover so that if anything happens to me I know my children will be OK and not left with heaps of debt. They don't have other family members to help out if the worst happened so it's security for them.
My OH only pays that amount coz that's all I'm getting. If I need £2 for bread and milk it causes a drama so it's just not worth asking for any more from him.

If my OH does catch me crying (which doesn't happen very often) he doesn't bother asking what's wrong. It's like he doesn't care but I'm not 100% sure because why would he stay otherwise, it could just be a bit of paranoia on my part as I am feeling low due to my debts. I mostly manage to keep a smiley face on for the kids and am OK at work because it takes my mind off it.

Hope this answers most of the questions but please do keep in touch as I don't have anyone else to talk to. I truly am not looking for sympathy as I got myself here so I will get myself out - then I will deal with other problems I have. I am only looking for advice and support. I am taking bad with all this as I am a very independent person and have not ever had to ask for help before for anything.

Thank you all so much

Also i am new to all this too but did not want to read and run. Keep your chin up missus x

doitmyself

lonely2 wrote: »

My other (even bigger) problem is that I can definitely not tell my partner about this as I know for sure he would just leave immediately. This wouldn't really be a huge problem but I do need his small weekly contribution for food...

Excuse me?

lisndai

I agree with all the other good advice given and just wanted to say you can easily cut your shopping down , i spend never more than £40 a week on shopping which includes all cleaning stuff and packed lunches ,everything ! We are a family of 5 with a dd of 15yr its pretty much like feeding 3 adults and 2 children , the kids don't miss out its surprising what you can cut down on or swap brands to save ,sit down with a pen and paper .

Good luck

taxi73

Hi ...I agree with all the above posters...one of your biggest savings will be your food budget....the OS boards are awash with ideas...that was one of my biggest savings

lonely2

Quote:
Originally Posted by lonely2
My other (even bigger) problem is that I can definitely not tell my partner about this as I know for sure he would just leave immediately. This wouldn't really be a huge problem but I do need his small weekly contribution for food...

Excuse me?

Sorry, doitmyself, I don't think I explained properly and it looks like he is making a big contribution to the house. He has a loan costing £165 per month which I pay out of his contribution and I also use his money for the car insurance and tax so it's really less than £400 per month I get towards the things on my SOA.

Does anyone know if this is possible?

When I contact the CCCS can they make an arrangement with all my other creditors except for TSB. As our joint account and mortgage are with them I would really rather they were not included in a DMP as I think if they were then my OH would be more likely to find out. Please excuse my ignorance but I don't know anything about DMPs.

I would prefer to do a DMP instead of a Trust Deed as I believe that because I spent the money I should pay it all back.

Please advise. Thanks