Am I Being Unfair?

arsenalbarnie

Somebody help me please. To cut a long story short my parents marriage is falling apart. They are in their early 70's. My mum ran up massive debts behind dads back a couple of years ago. I sorted this out with PPI claims and sorting out their finances and paying it all back. They are now debt free with a reasonable pension and small mortgage, with lots of equity in the house. i help,to manage their finances now.

The problem is dad cant get this out of his head all the lies and deceit. All his cash lump sum pension spent etc. They sit in separate rooms every evening, then the next minute they get on fine.. The problem with all this is my dad pours his troubles out to me and my mum to my sister. We both feel that they are being unfair on us their children. I would never tell my children about any of my marital problems. I have suggested they go to marriage guidance counselling to someone who is trained in all this and who isnt emotionally involved. its not like I dont want to help, I just dont feel qualified to.

My sister feels the same way I do. We cant be expected to take sides. Just wondered if we are being fair.:(

CH27

arsenalbarnie wrote: »

Somebody help me please. To cut a long story short my parents marriage is falling apart. They are in their early 70's. My mum ran up massive debts behind dads back a couple of years ago. I sorted this out with PPI claims and sorting out their finances and paying it all back. They are now debt free with a reasonable pension and small mortgage, with lots of equity in the house. i help,to manage their finances now.

The problem is dad cant get this out of his head all the lies and deceit. All his cash lump sum pension spent etc. They sit in separate rooms every evening, then the next minute they get on fine.. The problem with all this is my dad pours his troubles out to me and my mum to my sister. We both feel that they are being unfair on us their children. I would never tell my children about any of my marital problems. I have suggested they go to marriage guidance counselling to someone who is trained in all this and who isnt emotionally involved. its not like I dont want to help, I just dont feel qualified to.

My sister feels the same way I do. We cant be expected to take sides. Just wondered if we are being fair.:(

He probably just want someone to talk to. You don't need to be qualified to listen to him.

Chakani

CH27 wrote: »

He probably just want someone to talk to. You don't need to be qualified to listen to him.

No, but maybe he needs to talk to his Dr/counsellor/mate down the pub, rather than his children... they really are caught in the middle. On most other subjects I would sit and listen to either of my parents, but if there was this sort of issue between them, I would have to ask them to find someone else to talk it through with.

midnightraven3

sounds like your poor old dad is struggling to cope with it all, and talking to you/your sister helps

maybe better than what he would say to your mum if he started pouring it out to her:(

must be hard for you too though

CH27

Chakani wrote: »

No, but maybe he needs to talk to his Dr/counsellor/mate down the pub, rather than his children... they really are caught in the middle. On most other subjects I would sit and listen to either of my parents, but if there was this sort of issue between them, I would have to ask them to find someone else to talk it through with.

He may not have anyone else to talk to. I would be mortified if my dad thought he couldn't turn to me with his problems.

Mojisola

I don't think you have to take sides. A qualified therapist certainly wouldn't.

If it's really getting you and your sister down, perhaps you should have a family meeting and tell them that they need to sort it out between them or think about separating.

lostinrates

My parents have separated recently, in their seventies.

It's been strange to deal with. For one it was definitely an improvment, but not for the other who while I don't think 'loved' the other any more did enjoy the security of the marriage and the expectation of a settled old age of familiarity.


It's been tough because I sympathise with both but also felt very, very caught in the middle, especially as both wanted to live with dh and I so we felt forced in to a position of 'choosing' which was very difficult and required utmost diplomacy.


It's not easy parents separating as an adult, but it is easier than when you are a child I think. We, dh and I, have a very strict policy of not discussing one with the other and refuse to get drawn into their disagreements. They are managing to behave 'civilly' towards each other, and so will both be having Christmas with us.

Its not what I would have chosen, at all, the farthest thing from it, but what I wanted for them was impossible.

You are right OP, not to want to get caught in being the confidantes. IMO I think you and your sister need to make a stand at the same time and tell your parents you love them both very, very much but cannot fulfil this role for them, and they need to find other people or a professional to help them resolve what their future should be.

maman

Ironically we've just been through almost the absoltue reverse in our family which also caused problems. BIL in his seventies decided to remarry and talked to us constantly about how his children disapproved. He felt it wasn't really any of their business but we could understand why they were upset/wary.

My advice would be to help them get it sorted in whatever way you can. If you're finding it difficult and stressful then by all means suggest professional help. It doesn't sound irreparable if they get on fine sometimes. I agree with you that I'd never discuss my marital problems (not that I have any;)) with my children as I wouldn't want to cause them any unnecesary worry but your parents obviously aren't in that camp so that's not an option. If they split, you'll probably be expected to help them sort out two homes etc so helping them now is probably a good way forward.

Dunroamin

OP, if your marriage was in trouble, wouldn't it be your parents you turned to first? This is no different.

lostinrates

Dunroamin wrote: »

OP, if your marriage was in trouble, wouldn't it be your parents you turned to first? This is no different.

No, it's not exactly the same.

In a function parent child relationship, both parents want to support their adult child which, in crises might include listening to a few rounds of 'and he said......and he used to......' no one needs to hear that about their other parent, or have a divide pushed between them.


I know my parents faults all too well, and I don't need them to provide a united front that doesn't exist, but I do need to not be drawn into sides and guilt and resentment from the other one, etc etc.

People are only human, and need to let off steam about things at such time, but to someone who lives the person they are doubting can put strain on the relationship between the other two, as well as eventually between the complaining parent and child.

arsenalbarnie

Dunroamin wrote: »

OP, if your marriage was in trouble, wouldn't it be your parents you turned to first? This is no different.

I agree My parents would want them to be the first I turned to if I had marital problems, but they would be the last ones I would go to as I feel relationships are very personal and would rather a third party as in counsellors got involved. If you're emotionally involved it is very hard to stay objective and not take sides. . However I have had a lifetime of my mother moaning to me about my father. Crying on my shoulder as I got older. She now turns to my sister as she being a lot younger than me has not been through this so gets more sympathy from her. i dont wish to sound cold and unfeeling but I feel like sometimes I am the parent and they are the children. My dad doesnt really have anyone other than my OH or me and sis to talk to and of course he needs someone to speak to. I think he has had a lot to accept with all the hidden debt and now my sister is getting married he wants to provide for the wedding and knows he could have done a lot more if all the money hadnt been spent. Its not as if theynhave anything to show for it and no matter how much I try to explain how debt spirals he cant seem to grasp it.

I feel like shaking my mother sometimes she has always got her own way, my dad has always given in to her, she is never happy with what she's got. We hardly see her because she is always busy working for my DS, whilst dad sits at home brooding waiting for her to come home. I had a whole childhood of waiting for her to come home so know how he feels! I feel she needs to put him first for once while she still can.

Sorry for the long moan, I obviously have a lot of issues too and know my dad isnt perfect, it just seems such a waste after 50 years of marriage it has come to this. Me and DS are in agreement they should be getting help, her in that she wont open up and say what she truly feels and him because he hasnt really address the hidden debt, it is always bubbling under the surface.

Thanks for all your kind words.