Prenup

Dekazer

Before I write my post I'll just declare that we didn't have a prenup or any other financial agreement before marrying, and at the moment I earn more than double my husband's salary.

I once heard, and quite like, the following justification for getting a prenup. I'm not quoting precisely, because I can't remember who said it or where, but I am paraphrasing to communicate the meaning...

**I would get a prenup in order to protect my partner against my future behaviour. If, for any reason, I try to wangle out of a fair agreement, I want them to be protected. A prenup written in the spirit of love and care will be a fair agreement - far fairer than something negotiated in rancour. Essentially, the prenup is an enduring loving act, proving that I feel enduring love to that person, and will protect them against financial hardship even at my own hand or, I will protect them against my own moneygrabbing, should I ever become that sort of person.**

So, essentially, the idea of a prenup does not mean that you're not committed to your marriage. On the contrary, it means that you love your partner so much that you want to insure them against you failing, changing, or becoming a total a*^$hole. Quite humble really.

Idiophreak

Dekazer wrote: »

**I would get a prenup in order to protect my partner against my future behaviour. If, for any reason, I try to wangle out of a fair agreement, I want them to be protected. A prenup written in the spirit of love and care will be a fair agreement - far fairer than something negotiated in rancour. Essentially, the prenup is an enduring loving act, proving that I feel enduring love to that person, and will protect them against financial hardship even at my own hand or, I will protect them against my own moneygrabbing, should I ever become that sort of person.**

So, essentially, the idea of a prenup does not mean that you're not committed to your marriage. On the contrary, it means that you love your partner so much that you want to insure them against you failing, changing, or becoming a total a*^$hole. Quite humble really.

Eh? It's a sign of your enduring love...that you're not confident will endure long enough to not screw them over at some point? If you're not confident you're going to be able to be a good wife/husband to your partner for the rest of your life, why on earth would you consent to marry them at all? Just doesn't make sense to me...

Seems a little akin to drafting something that says "if I end up cheating on you, I'll give you £5,000...my love for you is so enduring I'm insuring you against the future probability of my playing away"...Seems a little bonkers to me

cats2012

Idiophreak wrote: »

Eh? It's a sign of your enduring love...that you're not confident will endure long enough to not screw them over at some point? If you're not confident you're going to be able to be a good wife/husband to your partner for the rest of your life, why on earth would you consent to marry them at all? Just doesn't make sense to me...

Seems a little akin to drafting something that says "if I end up cheating on you, I'll give you £5,000...my love for you is so enduring I'm insuring you against the future probability of my playing away"...Seems a little bonkers to me

Sorry - I have to agree with Idiophreak here. Sounds like excuses to me!

Dekazer

As I pointed out, not necessarily my opinion. However, people do change over time and for unforeseen reasons. For example, some people who suffer brain injuries experience quite profound personality change. Some people who suffer mental illness behave in ways they mightn't have predicted. Some people just become horrible.

I can see how some people view prenups as similar to wills (not legally) - something that expresses how you wish for assets to be shared fairly in the event of something unforeseen.

Also, I think it's a little unfair to suggest that people who write prenups are not entering their marriages in the 'correct' spirit. Some people who have been burned by previous divorces might feel more comfortable with a prenup, particularly where there are children (or adult offspring) involved.

sheeppappar

CompBunny wrote: »

That is exactly how my hubby-to-be sees it! I feel the same, but admire this as I have very little (don't work due to illness) but he has a good job and the potential to go far.

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Am I right in thinking you want the prenup so that you don't get an unfair share of what he's achieved for himself? In my opinion someone only achieves what they can because of the support of their partner/family and so that potential success is as much yours as it is his too! I earn about double what my partner does and would not dream of having a prenup. We both came into the relationship roughly financially equal but I will contribute financially more for all of our lives... but in my opinion there's no way (and nor would I want to) try and balance pound notes against the wonderful contribution he makes to our family life and the love he gives me! You can't put a value on something like that xx

cats2012

sheeppappar wrote: »

Am I right in thinking you want the prenup so that you don't get an unfair share of what he's achieved for himself? In my opinion someone only achieves what they can because of the support of their partner/family and so that potential success is as much yours as it is his too! I earn about double what my partner does and would not dream of having a prenup. We both came into the relationship roughly financially equal but I will contribute financially more for all of our lives... but in my opinion there's no way (and nor would I want to) try and balance pound notes against the wonderful contribution he makes to our family life and the love he gives me! You can't put a value on something like that xx

CompBunny wasn't saying they wanted/had one...

Idiophreak

Dekazer wrote: »

Also, I think it's a little unfair to suggest that people who write prenups are not entering their marriages in the 'correct' spirit. Some people who have been burned by previous divorces might feel more comfortable with a prenup, particularly where there are children (or adult offspring) involved.

I don't know if that really is unfair, though. It's just observation.

You're saying that they feel "more comfortable" if, essentially, they've got a get-out clause added to their marriage. By definition, that means that they're not 100% comfortable with the marriage in the first place. Again...If they're not 100%, should they be getting married?

It's much like parachuting, I suppose. Would I jump out of a plane with a parachute that I was 99.99% sure would open? Probably not. If they added a back up chute? Probably.

Now, would I jump out of a plane with a chute that was 100% sure to open? Probably. When you're certain of something, you don't need contingency plans.

(just for the sake of full disclosure...in fact, I probably wouldn't jump out of a plane at all in either case - I'm a scaredy cat )

Of course, I'm aware that this is a very old fashioned, romantic way of looking at things...but I don't think it's "unfair" as such...Some people think you need to be 100% sure to get married, some people think 99% will do - neither, I guess, will understand the other very well....

sazpot

This has been discussed between myself and my other half of 5 years, we wouldn't put my flat (rented out) or his house (our home) or anything purchased from our income from jobs or savings in a prenup, we are a team in everyday life.

However, things are slightly more complicated as he owns a share of a family farm business. Should anything happen the farm and business would need to be protected, it has been in his family for a long time and should stay that way. We would put all business and property in that postcode as at the date of signing in a prenup as solely his excluding any marital home should we move to the farm in future years.

His will reflects this already, anything in that postcode goes to his niece and nephew, the majority of things outside that postcode would go to me. Obviously, if we were to have children this would change.

It is very easy to say that a marriage is sharing everything but it isn't always black and white. Sometimes there is a particular asset that needs to be kept separate to ensure it can stay in the family should anything happen.

Assuming we get married I wouldn't have a problem signing one and it doesn't make me question his commitment!

Dekazer

Idiophreak wrote: »

You're saying that they feel "more comfortable" if, essentially, they've got a get-out clause added to their marriage. By definition, that means that they're not 100% comfortable with the marriage in the first place. Again...If they're not 100%, should they be getting married?

Of course, strictly speaking, the law allowing divorce is the 'get out clause'. A prenup doesn't make you more likely, or make it easier, to get divorced. It merely outlines the terms of the parting.

What I think is unfair is for people to criticise couples who have chosen to make such arrangements. To each their own and all that. I obviously didn't make my point clearly enough, so apologies for that

jtr2803

I won't be having one but I don't have any issue with those who want them.

I only really see the relevance for couples who have significant assets prior to marrying, especially if one has significant assets and the other party have neither. I don't believe anything that is gained during the marriage should be split any way other than equally but assets prior to the partnership should be considered separately.

I have an easy way round this, I just spend all of our joint disposable income on holidays and we rent our home - ta dahhhh! :rotfl: