Moving back to parents with kids after relationship break-up?

Jo_R_2

Hi all

After working out my incomings and outgoings since ex moved out last month, I have realised that we will be living basically hand-to-mouth. That is, after the bills are paid and food put on the table, there's pretty much nothing left over for anything else.

There's me and two DDs (aged 3 and nearly nine months) and at this point I have been seriously considering asking my parents if we can move in with them for a while. I am fairly certain that they would be more than happy for this to happen. Even if I paid them the rent I am currently paying where we are living now and paid for all our own food, and contributed towards bills, still I would be substantially better off in terms of bills, petrol for work and insurance. Luckily my work has an office nearby which they have already said I could be based from if I wanted so it wouldn't mean looking elsewhere for work.

I could then look at paying off the loan me and ex took out (not a huge amount but still a chunk out of my wages every month) and putting some money aside, for a new car and eventually a deposit on a house.

I do have some reservations about it however. Uprooting DD1 worries me - she is already unsettled after her daddy has left, and I worry that us moving house again in the space of six months will cause her unnecessary anxiety, moving to somewhere she only knows because grandma and grandad live there but is a fair few miles from 'home' and daddy. She'll have to leave nursery where she has friends and the school where she is looking forward to going to preschool soon, and also her other friends she sees regularly.

On my part, despite the family support (they have been great and continue to help us out whenever they can) I remember how pleased I was when I left to go to uni because the town is so depressing. I would leave a lot of friends, and although my 'home' is only a 3/4 hour car journey away from my parents, I would miss being able to see my friends when I wanted. I don't obviously envisage this possibility as being permanent, but in my already depressed/anxious/stressed state I worry that I will feel boxed in.

I have currently decided to await my reviewed financial situation before making any decisions over whether to ask my parents or not. I have applied for housing benefit and made a fresh tax credits claim, and although I am not currently receiving any maintenance from ex (he is a broke student in his last year), the plan is that when he graduates and gets a job, he will start paying us some money. So I am assessing the situation for the next couple of months to see how we fare financially.

Does anyone have any experience of moving into their parents after the break-up of a relationship (particularly with children in tow) and what was it like? Or any general opinions and feedback welcomed :T

conradmum

I would say it only really as a short term solution. My parents very kindly took me back in with two children after I left my ex but I ended up staying there for over a year and I was desperate to leave by then. But then I don't get on with my mother at all.
I think the main problem is that you're stil their daughter no matter how old you get and it's very hard for them to treat you any differently. While the being looked after stuff is nice for a while it can rob you of your confidence and self-reliance. Also, grandparents often have very different ideas from parents of how children should be brought up and this can cause conflict. For example, my mother insisted on giving my kids sugary treats and even now, ten years later, they still always have pudding after their tea as I haven't been able to break the custom my mother set up.
So I would say avoid it at all costs if you possibly can, or at least have a plan for what you will do in order to become independent again.
Just one more thing, a colleague was in a similar position and is now desperate to leave her parents, partly because of the problem of differing parenting attitudes.

Becles

My parents were desperate for me and my boys to move in with them when my marriage broke up, but I was more determined to keep my independance.

I know if I'd moved home I would have been treat like a little girl again. They would want to know where I was going, what I was doing etc., and I just didn't want to have to answer to them again.

Not that I'm doing anything I shouldn't be. I just don't like being told what I should do, and being met with frosty disapproval when they don't like things I do. Happens now and I don't even live there - Mam is against me having a home birth with this baby, and has let me know it umpteen times :rolleyes:

Mam also undermimes me a lot with the children. Like we'll be there for a meal, and I'll tell them no sweets or biscuits because they didn't eat much dinner. Two minutes later, she'll have given them sweets behind my back - grrr! They were playing up the other day when she was here, so I told them to pack in and behave in a stern voice. Mam then tells them to ignore me because pregnant women are irritable. Couldn't have put up with stuff like that on a daily basis!

If you do move back in, make sure you have a relationship where you are treat like an adult, and your decision on discipline, feeding etc., the children is the final one.

If you want to stay independant, you could try posting your SOA on the debt free board. People on there could have a look to see if we can make some savings for you.

Spendless

My SIL was in the same position once though her daughter was older. Me and DH didn't live there, but from an outsider looking in perspective, I agree with every negative conradmum and Becles has brought up.

balmaiden

I have experienced this from both sides of the fence. I moved back with my parents for two years with my eldest daughter when she was two.My Mother completely took over which I bitterly resented.I ended up entering another relationship just to get away, surprisingly it didnt work out.

My youngest daughter moved back with us for a short while when her daughter was a baby.It didnt work, as I took over !! I didnt learn by my Mothers mistakes at all.

I think it is just a mothers instinct to look after their young ( even when they are 26! ) I can see now that my poor mum was trying to help me not to "take over," as indeed I thought I was helping my daughter.
We all have a great relationship now, but from my experience I would say if possible avoid moving back, as even the best relationships can suffer

Alan50

What a sad post! I have no experiance of returning to my perants, Im 50 and Mum still treats me as if I was 14....
Are you receiving the correct finacial support from your ex (2 children=25% of his income)
Hope it works out

Best wishes

Alan

vyvyan_2

Just my tuppence worth: I think if you are covering the bills and your roof over you head is secure and there is food on the table, then you are managing well.

The fact there is nothing left over is the problem. For the reasons and wisdom of the replies you've had so far, you would maintain your pride and independance by continuing as you are and maybe investigate topping up your income somehow and cutting expendiure as much as possible. Any small gain here could got into a pot for the odd treat or whatever.

MSE is full of ideas on ebaying, carbooting, Avon selling and all the rest of it and trimming down the bills and food costs too. Good luck with your decision - it's a tough call.

Amanda65

Firstly I think that you are doing amazingly well being able to be so logical at such a stressful time. I agree with a previous post about an SOA on Debt free board - someone on there always seems to be able to shave expediture somehow! Also the loan you mentioned - is your ex paying anything towards this or are you trying to keep up the repayments on your own? And have you checked that you are getting the correct CTC etc? Try https://www.entitledto.com to check and see if there is anything you are able to claim but aren't. Good luck whatever your decision x

thesaint

Alan50 wrote: »

What a sad post! I have no experiance of returning to my perants, Im 50 and Mum still treats me as if I was 14....
Are you receiving the correct finacial support from your ex (2 children=25% of his income)
Hope it works out

Best wishes

Alan

The correct figure is 20% of the nett income.

Jo_R_2

Wow guys thankyou so much for all the input - definitely all useful and some very insightful. I appreciate it :T :T :T

Been reviewing my relationship with my parents after reading all the negatives! There have been a few little clashes this week as I have been staying with them, I think that's probably more to do with me not saying how I feel and riding it out in the hope that I don't have to have a massive confrontation! To be honest they're really very in tune with how I parent, just a couple of occasions where dad has gotten a little impatient with DD1 whereas I tend to humour her (no idea where my patience comes from sometimes!)

Unfortunately not getting any financial support as yet from ex as he is a full-time student and pretty broke. That should come eventually, hopefully in the next couple of months, as should the housing benefit (if am entitled) and reviewed tax credits.

Have posted my SOA a couple of weeks ago and tbh can't see much room to manoeuvre at the mo, but am hoping it will all change. Otherwise I shall really have to consider moving.

Loretta

Jo_R wrote: »

Wow guys thankyou so much for all the input - definitely all useful and some very insightful. I appreciate it :T :T :T

Been reviewing my relationship with my parents after reading all the negatives! There have been a few little clashes this week as I have been staying with them, I think that's probably more to do with me not saying how I feel and riding it out in the hope that I don't have to have a massive confrontation! To be honest they're really very in tune with how I parent, just a couple of occasions where dad has gotten a little impatient with DD1 whereas I tend to humour her (no idea where my patience comes from sometimes!)

Unfortunately not getting any financial support as yet from ex as he is a full-time student and pretty broke. That should come eventually, hopefully in the next couple of months, as should the housing benefit (if am entitled) and reviewed tax credits.

Have posted my SOA a couple of weeks ago and tbh can't see much room to manoeuvre at the mo, but am hoping it will all change. Otherwise I shall really have to consider moving.

Moving back in with your parents is a big step. You are just about managing and maybe when all your benefits are sorted out you will know exactly how much money you have coming in and can make a definite plan about your money.

If your parents are so helpful and supportive perhaps they could help in other ways, perhaps they could agree in advance, so that you do not have to worry about the unexpected, that in an emergency to lend/give you money for an urgent bill or unexpected expense, top up your freezer now and again, maybe help with things the children need.

I think other half as well as being a full time student should take some responsibility and get himself evening or night work for a few weeks so that he can pay at least something which would help you not to be on such a tight budget and have so much worry. Doesn't he have parents who could help out or at least advise their son that his situation has changed and he now does not have the luxury of being 'only' a full time student with someone to keep him. You need to get him into the habit of taking responsibility NOW because in a couple of months when you say he will have a job and will start contributing towards his children's keep his situation may have changed and he may not feel like paying what he should as it seems he has not yet ever had to do this. You say he will pay eventually but eventually can be a long time coming, the break up may not stay so amicable and after being a broke student having money in is pocket may be very attractive. You sound very capable and responsible and he may just let you get on with it

I hope I am wrong but I have been around long enough to know about human nature!