Downsizing

Adele55

I've been lurking for ages so hope you dont mind if I jump straight in with a question. Not sure if you can help but here goes...

My oh is on the edge of a nervous breakdown - not his first. He has just told me he cannot cope with work and wants to hand in his resignation. That will have serious financial consequences which I am prepared to deal with - but I know his problem will not go way and may even get worse. It's been brewing for a while and he does not take advice - though he keeps asking for it and then completely ignores it if it's not what he wants to hear. I've always been the strong one but I have run out of answers and am finding it hard to deal with.

I'm not asking for detailed advice - just want to know if anyone has been in a similar situation and where they went to for help and support.

Thanks

Dan_Thunder

I know someone who was in a similar situation a few years ago. They initially got signed off sick from their doctor for a number of months, in the end though they retired from their job and are much happier for it.

My advice would be to firstly get a professional's opinion on your partner's mental/physical health then, depending on their view, I'd get your OH to speak to his employer about the situation. Maybe they can given him a sabbatical or alter/change his role within the company to make him happier rather than have him simply quit? If there are genuine medical reasons for this situation then his employer will surely have some responsibility for his welfare.

And, of course, I'd definitely speak to your husband about what he'd like to do instead of his current role. Be clear that although you're willing to initially accept the financial burdens that will occur with his resignation, he'll have to accept that to just stop working full stop is neither a viable option (or is it?) nor will it get to the root of the issue.

EDIT: I am curious as to why you've headed this topic as 'Downsizing' though'?

Js_Other_Half

I would suggest you contact a mental health charity, such as MIND
http://www.mind.org.uk/About+Mind/

They have a helpline and may be able to offer constructive advice about the best way to approach his employer etc

hth

inkie

Hi Adele55 - welcome to the forum!

I do not have any specific experience of MH issues, but am able to offer my experience of 'downsizing'. I am assuming this is something that you may have to think about if your hubby has to give up work.

Due to a change in career in 2004 - we as a family took a £24,000 paycut, when I gave up working for the NHS to take on a ministerial role. I can honestly say that due to 'cutting our cloth to fit', we are as well off that we have ever been. It is amazing how we used to spend so much on 'stuff', and buy things without thinking about it. Now, we don't buy things unless it's needed (as opposed to wanted) - and the advice that we have received on these boards (particularly the OS boards) have really contributed to our sucess in managing this.

What [I[/I] am trying to say is that, with a bit of imagination and planning and a lot of resourcfulness - downsizing is not as belak or impossible as it first sounds - PM me if you require any further information on our specific case.

Inkie

Adele55

Sorry - I didn't make myself very clear. Guess I wa a little nervous about baring my business on the net!

Yes, I am almost resigned to the fact that we are going to have to live on less that we are used to - not that that is a lot to start with. Even if I went full time it would not make up for it and, to be honest, I'm not sure that would really help as he would still be depressed - stress aggrates it but work is not the cause. This doesn't phase me but I know that OH will not like it - moneysaving is not in his DNA. (This is the man who bought a BMW despite my misgivings - went and booked a villa for two weeks despite us being overdrawn - you get the picture)

We had a chat last night and I begged him not to resign but if he felt so bad to go part time ( which he boss offered_ or take sick leave. Sick pay is better than no pay at all and if he signed he would not be able to sign on for 6 weeks, unless that has changed recently.

Thanks for your replies - I feel so much better getting it off my chest.

hobo28

Hi Adele

Without knowing the exact reason why your OH can't cope with work, its hard to offer advice.

One thought I've had is whether or not he's having a bit of a mid-life crisis? The BMW, the villa etc. Perhaps he needs to "find" himself so to speak?

Another thought is that jacking in his job may be attractive in the short term but the repercussions seem to be big. What may end up happening is that you transfer one set of problems for another. He cannot cope with his job soon becomes he cannot cope with the lack of cash.

Either way, I agree with the others who have suggested that professional help should be sought. I really suspect there are issues here which need to be resolved.

Good luck.

newcook

Hi Adele, not posted on here for a while as me and OH have been through a similar thing - OH had stress and anxiety and slight depression (mainly caused by work). He eliminated the main factor by leaving work (or rather it was suggested he left - but thats another story!) things were going downhill quickly and OH spent just under 2 weeks in psychiactric hospital. Yes, things are tight on just my wage although OH's benefits have started to come through now, but OH has recently been to CAB who have been brilliant! They spoke to our mortgage people who have said we can change our mortgage to interest only, they will be speaking to housing association with regards to housing benefit (we have a shared ownership property), a while ago I changed where I shop (now go to aldi) and we would rather stay in with a bottle of wine and a video and homemade curry than go out for one - thats a lie, we would love to go out but we know we cant afford it so we fool ourselves that we prefer it!

Visit your local CAB and see what they can advise. Its possible that your OH just needs a bit of time to get things clear in his head and have a break from the ratrace

Hope it all works out