Contacting someone re carers for a man with dementia

vikki_louise

Hello, not sure what to do about this, if I should contact and if so who.

Long story short my elderly grandfather is a full time carer to my bedridden grandmother, he is not coping but refusing to put her into a home, he is so tired from years and years of this we are seriously worried about him dying first.

He has a neighbour who was showing signs of dementia, my grandfather would be called on every day lots and lots of times and have to go hobbling off to find the lost car or pick him up from the doctors where someone would of taken him. It got to a crisis point and be now has a full time live in carer.

At first he wasn't meant to go out alone but he would get distressed and they couldn't force him so he is allowed out. Every problem he has be it his tv remote or wanting to go somewhere (he can't explain though for example he wanted to go to the swimming pool, hundreds of questions later it turns out he wanted to see his doctor and there is a hall in the same road which he thought that day was a swimming pool) he comes over to my grandpa and he has to work out what it is and often go and help him. This week is the one week of respite my grandpa has but on Friday the doctors rung his neighbour and so he was expected and did drive both neighbour and carer to the doctors surgery, wait around for him, take them to the pharmacy and then home. He is bad at saying no but says it has to be done, he has to do this for repeat medication too or the man goes without. The 'icing on the cake' for us though was last week the carer came over saying she needed money so could he take them to the bank, he actually said no and to take the train (their house is right next to the station, you could hop over the fence and be on the platform) to the nearest big village but she insisted they didn't have the right bank so he ended up driving them to the nearest one which is quite some distance away and just takes up more of his limited time (he feels he has no time to do the things he needs to do which is true.

I'm really unhappy about this, I think the carer should try and sort out every problem first (like when they run out of gas they are straight over to my grandpa) and he shouldn't be expected to drive. Surely someone is paying the care agency a huge amount, shouldn't they sort out transport to appointments or errands?

I'm encouraging my grandpa to say NO and he is trying but what do you do when you have 2 people in your living room insisting he is their only way to an important doctors appointment.

Should I contact someone about this, if so who? I don't know what team he is under, whether is social services, nhs or something else. We stopped asking my grandpa for help long ago due to him being worn into the ground, it's infuriating and worrying other people are happy to do so.

Torry_Quine

That's totally not acceptable at all. Without any other information I would contact social services and say that you are concerned for this neighbour. As he has carers then they will have records for him and will know where the carers are from as they really should be contacting their employer if they have any problems.

As for your grandfather has he been assessed as to his needs as a carer for his wife?

Errata

I think someone, preferably your grandpa, needs to make social services for older people aware of the situation. Perhaps you could help your grandpa to understand that whilst he's helping, he's actually preventing the neighbour from being helped in a more effective and supportive way?

vikki_louise

Thanks to you both, I will try SS. I spoke to my grandpa after posting, turns out today both the neighbour and carer turned up insisiting they need taking to the drs again as he is starting infections 3 times a week. He pointed out he was waiting for the ambulance to bring my nan home and suggested a taxi, the carer said she had tried all the local taxi firms and none were available (tbh I find this hard to believe, there are so many taxis around here and I doubt midday on Monday is their busiest times and why did she try for a taxi when she turns to the neighbour instead all other times). My grandpa said he can't commit to 3 times a week and to ring and insist district nurses come out.

NeverEnough

Vikki_louise, your grandad sounds an absolute gem, I don't blame you for getting fed up about this - he is absolutely being abused by the carer. The carer needs to make his/her own arrangements to get to the doctors or book early enough to ask for house visits. I would encourage your grandad to let the doctors surgery know that he is NOT available to ferry them around and please NOT to phone him when they need transport as he cannot commit to this, although he did try to help in the past when he could.

I would also encourage you or your grandad to speak to the carer and tell them very directly that this is not something he can do and they need to use taxis or phone for an ambulance if the neighbour is poorly. Perhaps the carer may know the name of the social worker involved or give the name of the agency he/she works for so you can contact them and advise that your grandad is in no fit state to act as a taxi service and general factotum and that if the neighbour needs extra care and transport, this will need to be discussed with the social worker involved. Please try to persuade your grandad that he needs to try to keep his energy up for your nan and that he simply does not have the time and resources to become an additional, unpaid carer and taxi service to the neighbour. The carer has a nerve to put upon an elderly gent like your grandad and needs to be told its not on and extremely unfair on your grandad.

kurgon

Hi - do you know how the live in carer came about? Is this person supplied by a care facility or a realtive? If the former then the social care team (SS) should be able to address this. It may also be wirth writing ti the GP (I am assuming that you know who yjis is from the constant ferrying) expressing your concerns. They will have direct links to whoever is the carer.
If you do contact the GP ensure that your letter is concise as they do not tend to properly read longer letters and may miss the essential information