Struggling 4 months after mmc especially when with pregnant SIL

emylou

My SIL had a missed mc in Feb this year, I then had one in May. In June they told me they were pregnant again & although I am obviously very happy for them I am also so sad that it's not me. I saw them today for the 1st time in a while & know they have their 20 week scan tomorrow so it's all becoming quite "real" IYSWIM? Also, they were sat looking through a catalogue discussing what they need to buy & I just felt so upset that it's not me I've come home to sit on my own
I actually think I can cope with babies better than bumps!
Sorry, just needed to vent as feel I can't say anything to family as they wil realise how bitter & miserable I really am.

Nicki

4 months is really not a long time to grieve such a significant loss and having had both, I think a missed miscarriage is even harder to recover from than a normal one, as you have less of a sense of closure afterwards. Though it might seem to outsiders that you are being bitter or jealous, I think in reality you are just feeling your own pain and your own loss in your own way. I think its really unlikely that you wish another loss on your brother or SIL and that you are in reality happy that they are not still suffering as you are, and so you should not feel in any way guilty about how you feel.

I think lots of us post miscarriage find bumps harder than babies so you aren't alone there either (though babies born at the same time your loss was due tend to be hard too). From experience I don't think there is a way to speed things up sadly. You just have to experience all the range of feelings in your own time from sadness through anger, regret and a degree of envy, until you come out the other side again. The only advice I can give you is to be kind to yourself and not to beat yourself up about how you feel and not let others do so either.

Very sorry for your loss.

BitterAndTwisted

YOU ARE NOT BEING BITTER AND MISERABLE! Well, you might be miserable but understandably so. It's only been a few months and you're still grieving. That's allowed. Being expected to share other people's joy when you're necessarily feeling as totally delighted for them as they are must be very difficult indeed.

FatVonD

emylou wrote: »

I actually think I can cope with babies better than bumps!

I was the same when trying to conceive, I could cope with babies (because I didn't want THEIR baby, I wanted MY baby!) but how I envied other pregnant women.

You've every right to feel sad but your time will come soon, fingers crossed you have a bump of your own by the time theirs is born

Saffagal

I lost my first baby at the beginning November with a mmc; my SIL was pregnant at the time, due two months ahead of us. I knew I'd find it really hard to see her, but didn't realise just how hard it would hit me. My MIL was really sensitive and created a diversion when she saw how upset I was (we were all at my in-laws for Boxing day) which gave me time to slip out the room and compose myself.

I had a second miscarriage this May, a natural miscarriage and I honestly found it easier to than the mmc. I had a sense of closure that I didn't have from my first loss.

I can't cope with pregnant woman, even now I struggle with pregnant women because it makes me think "that should be ME!". Babies, I have no problem with because they're not my baby iyswim.

I don't think you're bitter and twisted, I think you're grieving which is normal behaviour when you've had a loss. It's perfectly normal how you're feeling and if you need time or space away from them I do think they, more than most, can appreciate how you're feeling as they've been there too.

One day you too will have your rainbow xx

go_cat

Mine was the opposite my SIL was due 2 days before me and sadly found she had had a miscarriage at her 12 week scan. My pregnancy thankfully was ok, but I felt terrible for her and was very wary of talking about baby related stuff when she was around. Your SIL is probably feeling the same wanting to be happy but also sad for you.

She has gone on to have one little girl and is currently 16 weeks pregnant so it will happen OP

sassyblue

emylou wrote: »

My SIL had a missed mc in Feb this year, I then had one in May. In June they told me they were pregnant again & although I am obviously very happy for them I am also so sad that it's not me. I saw them today for the 1st time in a while & know they have their 20 week scan tomorrow so it's all becoming quite "real" IYSWIM? Also, they were sat looking through a catalogue discussing what they need to buy & I just felt so upset that it's not me I've come home to sit on my own
I actually think I can cope with babies better than bumps!
Sorry, just needed to vent as feel I can't say anything to family as they wil realise how bitter & miserable I really am.

It's absolutely fine to be bitter and miserable for a while in private, and of course you have every right to be.

I remember this myself after a miscarriage and then ttc for 8 years. . But you must never give up hope and hopefully you won't have long before you have a bump of your own. Xxx

Courgette

It's such a horrible business mc and creates such a massive mix of emotion. I had a second mc in July and I'm still not right, either emotionally or physically. I've had a few online pg announcements which have been difficult enough to deal with but I have absolutely no idea how I'm gonna cope when someone in RL announces they're expecting.

I have no wise words I'm afraid other than that all things pass and one day this will just be an awful memory rather than a gaping wound

MrsDavo

Hi,

I'm 5 months after having a D&C for a mmc at 11.5 weeks back in April. 5 months today actually.

It's so incredibly hard. I am so sorry for yours and everyone else's loss.

I've had the RL announcements and the FB announcements, roughly theres been 7 since my mmc. I didn't even get to announce my pg, I was waiting for my scan, and its at the scan we found out.

If you want to PM me feel free. My periods are still not "normal" so although we are trying its not gettings us very far.

Take Care

somethingcorporate

I want to wish you luck on your journey. It's a horrible place to be and my wife and I are slowly dragging ourselves out of a very similar place.

Sorry for your loss, but keep the faith, it will happen.