Don't know what to do... lying/cheating??

daska

I think you should contact WomensAid. While it may not appear on the surface to be abuse it certainly is. He's taken steps to isolate you and he's witholding information. This is WHY your self-esteem is at rock bottom. You can't wait for your self-esteem to magically heal, you need to leave for that to happen.

WomensAid can help you find the support you need. Ring them, please?

0808 2000 247

pearl123

PurpleRain wrote: »

Hi,

Sorry, I've had to set up a new username in case my OH logs onto MSE....

We've been living together for about 15 years now (not married, no kids). We've had our problems in the past, but are trying to work through them. I've become dependent on him more recently because I suffer from panic attacks/low self-esteem. We sleep in separate rooms & have separate computers. Now, his room is padlocked permanently (even padlocks it if he nips downstairs for something) & his phone is always on him.

Last year (before the padlock), I caught him looking at mistress websites (the kind you go & visit) & photos of shemales. He's even joked in the past 'do you think I could be gay/bisexual?', which I thought was odd. More recently, I have discovered (well, I kinda forced it out of him), that 2 gay men have hit on him. One is a neighbour & the other is our landlord!! Last month (early hours of the morning), I heard his phone beep & he told me only last week that our landlord (who is about 20 years younger than him) sent him a text basically asking if he was up for some. I quizzed him more & asked him what exactly the text had said, but he just said 'what do you think it said... you know'. I asked him if he had text back, but he said he had just deleted the text because our landlord was probably drunk. He has since told me that he has text a few more times in the afternoon (&, again, seemed drunk). Why would 2 gay men hit on a 'straight' man?? I even asked him if he had said/done something to give them the wrong impression, etc. I also find it odd that he didn't text back along the lines of 'stop sending me inappropriate messages, I am not interested, I have a girlfriend'. I feel like a complete mug now. I feel like they are up to something behind my back & having the last laugh. If I had seen the message myself, I would have text him back, but now I'm wondering what really is going on? Have they been emailing each other in secret (padlocked room), meeting up, etc? I've never met/spoken to the landlord, he deals with it all. I've thought about installing a keylogger on my PC but I don't know how I'd get him to use my PC & log into his email account. I just hate feeling like this. I can't sleep at night because I'm in tears thinking about all this. I'd just rather know the truth so I can get on with my life.

I can't ask him outright because he has a history of lying (big lies, not little white ones). I checked his Facebook account the other night & last year he posted how he was looking forward to going to a certain event with his 2-year-old daughter & meeting a certain celebrity. He later posted how nice it was to meet them & the long queues were worth it... He doesn't even have a daughter & I know for a fact he never went to this event :eek: He is a complete fantasist! He's also posted that he's camped out & queued 36 hours for Wimbledon tickets....he's never even been to Wimbledon. I'm starting to wonder whether I truly know this man at all!!

Please advise me on what I should do.

Sorry for the lengthy post.

Something is very very wrong. The whole setup seems to have nothing to do with love.
Who paddlocks their room unless they have something very big to hide! :eek: I wonder if he has more to hide that just being gay!
How could you feel well living in such a place? I'm not surprised you have panic attack/lack of self confidence. Your OH sounds rather feaky from the very little you've mentioned. It does not sound like an healthy enviroment for you.
To feel well you do need a normal existance
Consider moving out of such an enviroment.
Do you go out much?

PurpleRain_2

pearl123 wrote: »

Something is very very wrong. The whole setup seems to have nothing to do with love.
Who paddlocks their room unless they have something very big to hide! :eek: I wonder if he has more to hide that just being gay!
How could you feel well living in such a place? I'm not surprised you have panic attack/lack of self confidence. Your OH sounds rather feaky from the very little you've mentioned. It does not sound like an healthy enviroment for you.
To feel well you do need a normal existance
Consider moving out of such an enviroment.
Do you go out much?

Thanks for replying. I don't go out any more, because as soon as I step outside the front door I get that horrible dreaded feeling that you experience just before a full blown panic attack. It's like indoors is my safe haven. One time I went out by myself & I had a panic attack & I don't know how I made it home without passing out. It was surreal. It felt like I was in a fish bowl - everything sounded weird & I felt like everybody was staring at me. I don't want to experience that feeling ever again.

marisco_2

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. He is playing mind games with you and trying to mess with your head. Going by your post this individual has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. Stick your trainers on, get out the door and start running. Dont look back either. You can do so much better than him.

PurpleRain_2

I just want to thank everybody who has replied so far. I don't have anybody to talk to in real life, so it's nice being able to connect with everybody here. Thanks for listening

SailorSam

PurpleRain wrote: »

He never liked me going out with people after work, etc,

When i did voluntary work with VS i did a couple of days training with Womens Aid and one of the first things they told us was ........ if early in a relationship a man tries to make you cut yourself off from all your friends and family it's the first signs that there is abuse to come. ....... Once he knows you have no where to run he's won.

make_me_wise

PurpleRain wrote: »

Thanks for replying. I don't go out any more, because as soon as I step outside the front door I get that horrible dreaded feeling that you experience just before a full blown panic attack. It's like indoors is my safe haven. One time I went out by myself & I had a panic attack & I don't know how I made it home without passing out. It was surreal. It felt like I was in a fish bowl - everything sounded weird & I felt like everybody was staring at me. I don't want to experience that feeling ever again.

You feeling like this didn't come about by accident. You are leading a life with this man which torments you. Do you live on your nerves the whole time? Can you barely sleep? Do you find it hard to function because you are so stressed and anxious by what is going on in your home and this relationship? Every thing you know makes you question where you are at and what you have.

I would bet a pound to a penny that your partner knows exactly what he is doing to you. He will be enjoying it. You dont make comments like he has, drop remarks like he has and leave someone you proclaim to love feeling as you do.

Do you recognise yourself any more or are you a shadow of your former self. If someone took the time to ask you what things you like, enjoy, how you see your future would you be able to answer? Or has he got your mind so messed up that you wouldn't know?

Relationships are meant to make you happy, you feel secure within them and in your own individuality. Reading your posts I see you as someone desperately unhappy, feeling trapped in agonising uncertainty, to afraid to go out into the world and live.

Put a stop to this now while you still can. Contact Womens Aid or go and see your gp. Ask a friend to help you.

Caroline_a

PurpleRain wrote: »

I just want to thank everybody who has replied so far. I don't have anybody to talk to in real life, so it's nice being able to connect with everybody here. Thanks for listening

Nobody? not one person who you talk to? Neighbours, friends, family? This isn't right, go and see your GP.

pearl123

Purplerain.
I sugest you go to your GP and tell him/her the extent of you anxiety/phobia. If you are not leaving the house then you should be referred for help. If you can't get to your GP - then phone your local mental health team and ask to be referred. I'm not suggesting at all that you have mental health issues - I just think you could do with some confidence boosting skills and coping skills so that you have a better quality of life. Being trapped in a house cause you can't get out needs to be looked into.

I suggest you also read Dr Claire Weekes - 'Self help for your nerves. Learn to relax and enjoy life again.' It a book that helped so many people.

barbiedoll

OP, you should know that panic attacks and associated agrophobia are incredibly common conditions and are treatable. You CAN get well and you WILL be able to live a normal life and make friends and socialise. You sound as though you haven't had the best home life and you've moved on from your mother's poor treatment, straight into the arms of a man who also treats you badly. None of this is your fault but it is within your power to change your life and you should do so as soon as you can.

Contact Women's Aid as other posters have suggested. And your GP should be able to help you to access services to enable you to cope with your panic attacks. Which have probably been caused by living for years with a man who has damaged your self-esteem and confidence. Living with someone who is secretive and is soul-destroying enough but if he is padlocking his room, he is implying that you are untrustworthy and are a snooper, no matter whether or not he has anything to hide (which he may not, he may just be a control freak)

My mum had panic attacks for several years so I do understand how scary they can be. Believe it or not, you can control a panic attack with a paper bag, you can be taught breathing techniques which will give you back control of your body and your emotions. A panic attack is simply your body releasing adrenaline, this is what causes your physical symptoms, the shaking and feeling faint. Your perception of your surroundings is altered which is why you feel like you're "in a fishbowl", it is well-recognised as a real condition and as I said, they are incredibly common.

Don't waste any more of your life being trapped in this relationship, you can do better than this. Do one thing tomorrow, make one phone call and start moving on and changing things for the better. I wish you well, let us know how you get on.