The Reason I Hate My Narcissistic Mother At This Moment Is

londonsurrey

... so many reasons, that just crop up unexpectedly.

The reason for the moment is another connection I've just made, a new realisation.

She brought me up as an only child (long complicated history, including one sibling removed by grandmother).

She would berate me for all kinds of things, including telling me that I was selfish as I was an only child. Of course, muggin's reaction was to try to prove to mummy that muggins was a really nice and good girl, a very sharing one.

I grew up that way, very aware of the need to share. Married, and spent my married life trying to share. Late husband was a greedy so-and-so, but I didn't really realise it, and kept on trying to give more, to "share" more, always ensuring I didn't take more.

I didn't understand that you have to stand up for yourself, and a normal child in a multiple child family doesn't so much learn to share, as learn to grab, which I never learnt.

I spent my married life giving, to late husband, to mummy dearest, to the in-laws, to his friends, like a good girl, waiting for the reward, unknowingly digging my own hole as a moron instead of earning all those "good person" points I thought I was doing, that I was taught to do. Of course, it suited my narcissistic mother down to the ground for me to be like this - I gave things to her, and she got the bonus of being able to say to others that I was so helpless without her, as I'd given her a good chunk of my money, and was now in not too good a position.

Now, in my fourth decade, I'm belatedly learning what a 3 year old knows, that it's not "nice" to ALWAYS give to others (the accursed "sharing") - it's stupid.

elantan

Mothers eh ... They can mess with your head,


can i suggest though your still giving to her , your giving her your hatred and your time, why waste anymore energy or time on her,

i finally told my mother i never wanted to speak to or hear from her again last year, she has phoned a few times but generally i get peace and quiet now, wish i had done it years ago

Birdy12

londonsurrey wrote: »

I didn't understand that you have to stand up for yourself, and a normal child in a multiple child family doesn't so much learn to share, as learn to grab, which I never learnt.

You have my sympathy for having a difficult relationship with your mother. I don't know what it's like to be in your shoes so I can't offer any advice.

However, coming from a multiple child family and, having two children myself, I was never taught to 'grab' from my brother, neither do I expect my two to 'grab' from each other.

I know it happens, and sharing is part of a learning process, but personally, I wouldn't consider this 'normal child' behaviour.

Birdy

missprice

Hmmmmm I wonder if your really saying you feel a bit foolish now in your fourth decade that you were fooled for so long.
BUT you were not the only one to be fooled and for sure that was her intention.
i still think about back when my mother made my life a misery and think well jaysus why did I not know that back then?
because with hindsight the world is a different place and things you took for granted as being gospel (cos really your mother would never lie to YOU) are not really gospel

I still come up with a jolt when I realise something I took as true from Mother is really an big elaborate hoax and boy do I feel stupid (get the red face an everything)

fluffnutter

It's the primary relationship upon which all others are based and if it ain't right, it creates a lasting legacy of misery. Mothers have a lot to answer for (and to live up to, admittedly).

You've achieved so much already in realising what problems your mother has caused you; so many people don't and go to their graves never having shrugged off the shackles of their dysfunctional upbringing.

Your particular hang-up is one that is fairly close to my heart - I don't share it but I'm a zealot about telling people that, contrary to popular wisdom, if there's no benefit for you in doing something, don't do it. That doesn't make you selfish, it makes you psychologically healthy. There's far too much emphasis put on 'altruism', the result being that people aren't altruistic, they're merely martyrs.

This doesn't mean we all have to be selfish. If you're psychologically healthy, doing things for others will bring you happiness and hence be a Good Thing but you'll be able to draw the line and realise when you're being taken advantage of. This is what you've been unable to do. Recognising this is the first step and you're already half way there. The trick now is to look after yourself without guilt which is easier said than done. Remember that, if or (I suspect) when you do feel guilty, that's a response learnt because of your mother's behaviour - you actually have nothing to feel guilty about. Good luck.

DVardysShadow

londonsurrey wrote: »

.... I didn't understand that you have to stand up for yourself, and a normal child in a multiple child family doesn't so much learn to share, as learn to grab, which I never learnt.

More subtly, they learn how to grab and get away with it.

System

can i suggest though your still giving to her , your giving her your hatred and your time, why waste anymore energy or time on her,

If she is anything like me, sharing it is a form of discovery and release.

elantan

You may be right, everyone is different

heretolearn_2

I don't think multiple kids are encouraged to grab instead of share. But what you've been doing instead of sharing is one-sided giving. Sharing is fair to both and goes in both directions. You give to them, and they give back to you.

Don't start thinking you have to be a selfish person instead of a nice one. It's great to care about others and be generous. Just try and make sure they deserve it next time - what do they ever do for you in return?

It sounds like you've had a bit of an awakening on your issues but think things through. It sounds like you need to work on your 'judgement' of others' characters rather than becoming a grabber.

Best of luck with making some changes . It's awful to feel unappreciated.

System

I think part of it is down to respect. Once you can get over that hurdle that not everyone deserves respect (no matter who it is).

carefullycautious

I would applaud myself for the years I gave to others and instead of becoming bitter for the rest of my life with regrets draw a line under it and say from now on I am doing things for myself.

I am a big girl now and do not need to be dependant on my mother so shall start putting some distance between us and others who are draining me. You will be liberated when you remove the shakels that have kept you doing the things you do.

Surround yourself with people who are friends who demand nothing more than your presence. They are about.

Counselling may help you on your journey.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life
How are you going to spend it?