Partner's Debt

uksteve82

I'm just after a bit of advice as I'm struggling with what to do with my partner's situation.

My partner and I have been together for over 7 years. Neither of us had much debt when we first met - I had a couple of credit cards with low credit limits and he had a small overdraft facility of £200. Before we moved in together, he told me that a few years earlier he had gotten into a mess with money and had to go bankrupt, therefore his credit history was far from perfect.

His credit rating improved after we had been together just over a year so he started applying for credit cards, then loans - just because he could. We both enjoyed a few holidays together, led a good lifestyle and before we knew it had racked up a considerable amount of debt between us.

To try and fix the mess, each of us took out loans for the purposes of consolidating our existing debts. Then of course once we had used the loans to pay off the debts, we quickly went back to spending the newly available credit on our existing cards, making the situation worse.

Last year I got to a situation where I simply couldn't afford the minimum payments to all my creditors and have enough money to live, pay essential household bills etc. Therefore I took the decision to sort my debts out and have reached agreements with all of my creditors to make reduced payments. My total debt is just under £30,000 and will take a long time to clear, but I am managing so far.

The problem is, my partner is doing absolutely nothing to sort his debts - and his situation has got ten times worse. Because all of his money was going on paying debts, he started borrowing money every month from his parents (often without my knowledge). He did this every month for a long time - now his parents are in a large amount of debt themselves. In order for them to meet their minimum payments, my partner has to repay them about £900 a month to ensure they are able to pay their mortgage.

He also took out a couple of 'guarantor' loans - which his parents went guarantor for. He is no longer able to meet the monthly repayments, so his parents are getting hassled for the money (which they can not afford to pay either).

Not surprisingly, my partner has also racked up a huge debt with various payday loan companies. He can no longer afford to pay these off after 'rolling them over' for several months. I can not think of a single payday loan company that he does not owe money to.

To add even MORE to the list, he has debts to various high street lending stores such as Ramsden's, Cheque Centre and The Money Shop.

To help him get by every month, his uncle took out a couple of payday loans for my partner on the understanding he would pay the money back to him each month. He is now unable to do that - so his uncle has got into debt.

Obviously, I have helped out financially wherever I can. This isn't easy, especially as I am on payment plans for my own debts, but where possible I pay the household bills, pay for the food shopping etc - but this is not always possible.

Cutting a terribly long story short (sorry!) my partner is in a situation where he has debt to so many creditors he doesn't actually KNOW a) how many and b) who they all are. His parents are at risk of losing their home if he doesn't pay them £900 a month; he manages to do this but 9 times out of 10 ends up borrowing it back. His uncle is in debt to payday loan companies through loans he took out for my partner.

His parents have been to the Citizen's Advice Bureau and have been helped with payment plans to creditors. My partner finally took his head out of the sand long enough to visit the CAB himself - but they refused to help him because it would be a conflict of interest seeing as they are also helping his parents (I didn't really understand why).

My partner just buries his head constantly - he refuses to list his creditors, he has bags and bags of unopened debt letters thrown under our bed and in all our cupboards, his relationship with his family is in danger of being torn to shreds due the stress everyone is under, OUR relationship is under strain as we constantly argue about the fact he is doing NOTHING to get sorted. His mobile phone rings and rings and rings with calls from debt collection agencies and he refuses to acknowledge any of them.

We both have excellent salaries and should be living the life of riley in a lovely house with a mortgage - but until he addresses his problem and takes steps to get sorted, we're going to be rather stuck! He can't go bankrupt or go on an IVA because the £900 he pays his parents back every month won't be taken into account - and they need this to pay their mortgage every month.

So sorry to ramble on and on but any advice would be much appreciated as I am hitting my head against a brick wall !!!

Thanks guys.

Somerset

No advice as such. He's screwed and he's dragged his parents and uncle down with him. You say he can't file for bankrupcy, what's the alternative ? Ok. he can ignore everything and everyone ie not pay them, and just pay his parents and uncle, but the creditor's will not just forget the debis so CCJ's and attachment of earnings I'd assume. Which would mean he couldn't cover the payments to parent's and uncle.

I'll say the obvious thing you are (possibly) thinking, will he drag you down too ? You say you pay the household bills when possible - when you can't and he can't, where will that leave you, homeless ??

LaughingLorna

Okay didnt want to read and run but dont really feel like i know enough to help much -sire others will be along. well done for getting on here -shows you are still thinking straight and have some perspective - big achievement with all you are going through.

i would say first step really has to be going through all the paperwork and finding out what he owes. would there be a record on his credit file or bank statements to show who he's received money from so you can contact everyone for up to date amounts? do you have somebody from your family that could help you do the paperwork and not judge? sounds like your partner is in denial. underlying issue? needs to see a doctor maybe?

once you have all figures you could post soa here. can you speak to one of the other free debt services if cab is out? the other thing that strikes me is you dont mention if you have a house - is there any equity?

also you say that you both earn decent salaries and your partner is committed to paying parents (rightly so). can you pool resources and move in together - save replicating bills - as a short-medium term solution? If you are paying the mortgage on their house anyway and need this to be recognised then if you lived there debt agencies would account for it surely? not sure how it would affect the debt plans for you and his parents though and may be too tense for you all...

fatbelly

The problem is, my partner is doing absolutely nothing to sort his debts - and his situation has got ten times worse. Because all of his money was going on paying debts, he started borrowing money every month from his parents (often without my knowledge). He did this every month for a long time - now his parents are in a large amount of debt themselves. In order for them to meet their minimum payments, my partner has to repay them about £900 a month to ensure they are able to pay their mortgage

.

And this £900 mortgage payment is entirely due to your partner's actions?

how is that? Did they take out 100k in secured loans to pay him?

He can take advice from another CAB, or another agency. There is a conflict if the same bureau has to deal with both the 'creditor' and 'debtor' in a relationship.

I suspect he will have to stop making payments to family, they reschedule payments based on their own income, and he will go bankrupt again.

uksteve82

Thanks for your comments everyone.

LaughingLorna - we don't have our own house (we rent a flat) so unfortunately equity is not a solution. Also, it's not possible to move into his parents' house as there is no space for us - his brother lives with them and there is no other spare room.

I have set aside the weekend to go through any bits of paperwork I can find in order to get an idea of how many creditors he owes (unlikely as he doesn't even know himself) and roughly how much he owes.

Can debt to a family member be included within a SOA? I very much doubt it but out of curiosity wondered if anybody knew?

Fatbelly - the £900 he pays to his parents each month is to cover their mortgage and the debts they have taken out for him. They had to remortgage the house a few years ago.

I know I have painted a picture of my partner as being somebody who has conned everyone out of their money and has no feeling but I know that although he puts on a front he is in fact incredibly depressed with the whole situation and repeatedly says that he wishes he could go to prison so he can be punished for everything he's put his family and me through. He also says he wishes he would get ill and die so that his work's life insurance would pay out and we could clear our debts. Not very nice things to hear from someone you love, despite the situation

Heffi1

Have you asked his parents how much he has borrowed, the first thing to say is they need to start saying NO to him and every other family member he approaches, he is a grown adult and it is time he took responsibility for his mistakes. That appears quite harsh, but while everyone is digging him out of the mess he is in, he is not learning to live within his means and sort it all out for himself.
Obviously going bankrupt the first time taught him nothing and I fear will teach him nothing if he does it again, other than he can run up debts again in the future.

You need to make sure your income is protected and I do hope you are not lending him money as well.

He needs to look at what he is doing, but until he does then I am afraid you are going to have to look after yourself and protect your own interests first, I know this sounds selfish, but will he be able to pay your debts when you have nothing left after helping him.

dancingfairy

I would say he really needs to contact CCCS or National Debtline or Payplan and sort out what he is going to do about his debts. Unfortunately he can't ignore the situation and if he can't pay his parents then he can't pay his parents (ignoring it isn't going to help ). HIs parents will then have to deal with the secured loan/remortgage issue by agreeing payment plans with their creditors to allow them to pay their mortgage (and accept that they are now lumbered with his debts as they took them into their name and it sounds like they have dealt with this/are dealing with this?).
Your partner therefore needs to sort his section of things out. Yes he may have to go bankrupt again (I hope you are renting and don't have a mortgage as this could cause more complications). I also think you need to decide how much you are going to support him (or not) and you may have to be preapred to walk away if necessary if he can't/won't get help
Sorry
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Angry_Bear

What has he spent the money on? If he has to pay £900 per month to his parents it must have been a lot of money - is there anything left he can sell to recoup some of it?

Firstly he needs to address where the money is going and make sure he is living within his means - then sort out how to satrt addressing his debt.

How much does he owe his parents, and how long does he have to keep paying the £900 for? Was the remortgage entirely given to him? (If not, why is the other brother, who is living there, not contributing).

You really need to convince your OH to contact CCCS, and maybe even come on here himself.

downsizer3

Your partner needs help - you say he's depressed and this level of debt/borrowing /inability to deal with it certainly reads like he needs some help emotionally.
I can't see how he can avoid going BR again and this will drop his parents right in it. I suspect that they will have to discount his £900 pm and try and deal with their own debt independantly as best they can. He needs to contact CCCS quickly - and his doctor as its almost like an addiction he has - do you think he sees possessions / lifestyle as some sort of crutch?
Make sure that you are not linked financially - no joint account s/ joint borrowings etc - he's just going to bring down anyone assoicated with him. He's not a bad person you say - but gosh - how irresponsible to use your nearest and dearest and let them down like this. An awful situation.

blisteringblue

You need to stop making excuses and demand he take action. This is quite staggering, I don't know what to suggest.

Unfortunately BR seems the only solution again, and his parents £900 will go, that is just a fact.

As harsh as it sounds unfortunately being a naive parent and helping out your children unconditionally until you are in the same position financialy as the child you helped is just plain crazy. Did they not know he was BR in the past? I would say you need to get your OH and his Parents to both speak to CCCS because they are at the point of no return.

Your partner may be depressed but until he starts to deal with the spending and debts he will bring everybody down with him.

You / He must act now, no more burying his head.

Somerset

uksteve82 wrote: »

I know I have painted a picture of my partner as being somebody who has conned everyone out of their money and has no feeling but I know that although he puts on a front he is in fact incredibly depressed with the whole situation and repeatedly says that he wishes he could go to prison so he can be punished for everything he's put his family and me through. He also says he wishes he would get ill and die so that his work's life insurance would pay out and we could clear our debts. Not very nice things to hear from someone you love, despite the situation

This isn't a 'go' at your partner. You love him and want to help him sort the mess out. And I appreciate he may feel like s*it about the situation. So this isn't a 'blame' post so don't take it the wrong way.

What struck me is that you are posting. I could say more but won't - you are going to have to accept he's not going to sort this out. You love him so ..... do what you're planning, establish the nitty gritty ( who, £ etc ) ... get him to make the appointment with CCCS or whoever .... maybe go with him. It sounds like you'll have to make him face it, he'll ignore it otherwise.

The outcome - listen to the debt people. It may be bankrupcy again. I feel sorry for the parents & uncle, hopefully they will forgive and not let this drive a wedge between them. But they are going to be 'stuck' with these debts.

Last thing, your partner is irresponsible with money. He didn't learn from the first time. Sometimes in relationship's one person is 'in charge' and you're going to have to be that one. It's not fair or equal, but it works. He's just not good with money, and if you want stability, security and bills paid, you're going to have to be 'in charge'.