drugs and alcohol issues with non resident mum

cobbingstones

Hello

I have a new friend who recently disclosed to me that her step son who is 10 sees his mother and step brother every other week even though she is using drugs and has issues with alcohol. On his last visit she asked my friend to 'take him, because I can't cope with him anymore' sadly this was said in front of the child. The child had not washed for three days and was in the same clothes that he had left in. The older brother (who lives part time with his mum from a different relationship) does not have boundaries and I worry for him in this envirnoment.

The child's dad who is very successful is very generous to his ex. He pays her extra money so she can buy the child clothes etc when he visits. This money is not being spend on the child at all. There have been times when the child does not want to visit his mum, but my friend feels he is to young to make that discision. I disagree.

I feel he should have choices and maybe see his mum once a month, also if his mum is not spending the money given to her for his care, then it is going on drugs and alcohol. Prehaps cutting her money so she received half of it may cut down her spending on drugs? She does not work.

Sorry if this is difficult to read, I just hate the thought of any child not being cared for due to their parents choosing drugs etc. I appreciate there are no doubt issues that the mum needs to deal with, but when I suggested counselling for her as an alternative to money, my friend said that she would never go.

Any advice welcomed.

19lottie82

There is NO WAY a child should be left with an adult that is under the influence. Why does the Father leave the child with her?

daska

One of the first question he will be asked if he goes down the legal route is "why do you let your child go to his mum if you know she is drunk and using drugs?" It won't do him any favours to let this continue - it might even come to the point that SS remove the child and oppose him having residency. Does he really want that?!

(I should stress that this is not my imagination working overtime or scaremongering - it exactly the situation we were placed in by SS re my DSD. They warned us that if we didn't apply for residency, if we failed in our application or if DSD was ever found to be staying overnight with her mum they would remove her again and oppose any family applications for residency.)

That doesn't mean access should necessarily be stopped but changed so that it is no longer putting the child at risk. That could involve just stopping the overnight visits or using a contact centre.

Why on earth does he insist on the child having overnight contact when the mum is telling him she can't cope?

pearl123

It's a miserable childhood being around an alcholic, never mind a drug addict. It will haunt a child for the rest of it's life. Well it did in my case!
Speak to the mother and try and get her to clean up her act.

When a child is around an addict or an alcholic then he/she ends up usually behavioring as the 'adult' to their emotionally !!!!!! and incapable parent. Its not healthy. It frequently forces children to be a parent to their incapable mother/father.
Children should not be expected to deal with such issues nor should they be expected to have the emotional maturity to deal with the situations that can arise.
I would be inclined to say keep the child away from it. It will cause damage in the long run - even if the child seems to be coping with it all at the time. Just my opinion.

cobbingstones

I assume the father already has residency due to the child going to his mothers on a weekend basis.

Thank you all for your replies.

**Patty**

Why would a *new* friend disclose all their dysfunctional business ?

When you meet someone, it's hardly normal to immediately disclose financial affairs involved previous partners & access arrangements for their children is it?

Quite frankly, i'd keep my nose out. All of this you've heard 3rd hand and there are only 2 people who know exactly what is going on. The mother & the father.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

You really don't want to be in the privileged position of being the new girlfriend's mate down the road.


Stay out of it. This will not end well, even with you sticking your oar in - it's the parents' job to sort this out, not yours or the girlfriend's.

nickyhutch

You could always get in touch with the children's social care section of your local authority and voice your concerns. If there's nothing behind it, or more to it than you're aware of, then at least someone will have had a look at what's going (or not going) on.

Yorkie1

nickyhutch wrote: »

You could always get in touch with the children's social care section of your local authority and voice your concerns. If there's nothing behind it, or more to it than you're aware of, then at least someone will have had a look at what's going (or not going) on.

If you do contact SS or the NSPCC, be aware that the report will not be treated confidentially unless you request this - and even then it isn't guaranteed.

(Not saying this to dissuade this course of action, just to raise awareness).

Fire_Fox

Stay out of it, this is none of your business particularly the financial stuff. If your friend or her husband want advice, get them to run a search or post here on MSE themselves.

Racheldevon

Whilst the information is third hand, the safety of the child is of paramount importance. I would suggest all you can do if your friend is concerned, that she shares her concerns with the dad, and together they decide on how best to proceed, for example by the father reporting concerns (assuming he shares them) to the local authority children's services - for them to explore and determine the outcome.