Do we ever really grow up?

becominganobsessivesaver

I've been having a bit of a hard time lately, and some close friendships have been abruptly ended. The whole thing just reminds me of being 12 again, being terrified of getting on the school bus as I didn't know what snide comments were being made behind my back/which awful things were going to be said to my face.

The only difference is that we're now in our thirties and I feel like that 12 year old again with the bullies circling.

I wish I could just escape, but there are too many things which connect us. I have one or 2 friends I know will be there for me, and accept me for who I am, but there's that 12 year old inside me, who wants to be popular, wants to be invited to things, wants other people to see me as a valuable part of their life.

Sorry for the rant but do we ever grow out of these things, or is this just how life is?

antw23uk

I sometimes think like you are doing but i try very hard to put the negativity behind me and think positive.

Concentrate on all the lovely things you have in your life and appreciate them everyday. Love yourself and dont give yourself a hard time. Life is hard enough as it is without you being against yourself right?

Bullies should be treated the same now as they should have been treated when you were twelve ..... Do not tolerate them. Tell everyone exactly what they are, rise above it and move on.

Best wishes x :beer:

j.e.j.

Yes, I also find this. When certain situations occur it can really knock your confidence and it can indeed suddenly bring back the feeling of being a frightened child again. I sometimes wonder if that frightened child is always in there, waiting..

You just need to keep reminding yourself that you are capable, you are able, and you are strong enough to deal with things now.

I would try and ditch the toxic friend(s), if I were you. What have you got to gain by staying around people who make you feel bad about yourself?

becominganobsessivesaver

Toxic friends are definitely no more (although this is going to be hard as there will have to be constant contact), and it's virtually impossible to leave my house without seeing them.

I'm finding it all so hard at the minute, I just feel like me 20 years ago. I have fought so hard to get rid of all those horrible demons (I had similar issues in my first job post uni), but it's surprising how quickly they come back.

I AM a success, my family LOVE me, that's all I NEED

(easier said than done.....)

balletshoes

becominganobsessivesaver wrote: »

I've been having a bit of a hard time lately, and some close friendships have been abruptly ended. The whole thing just reminds me of being 12 again, being terrified of getting on the school bus as I didn't know what snide comments were being made behind my back/which awful things were going to be said to my face.

The only difference is that we're now in our thirties and I feel like that 12 year old again with the bullies circling.

I wish I could just escape, but there are too many things which connect us. I have one or 2 friends I know will be there for me, and accept me for who I am, but there's that 12 year old inside me, who wants to be popular, wants to be invited to things, wants other people to see me as a valuable part of their life.

Sorry for the rant but do we ever grow out of these things, or is this just how life is?

i think we definitely do grow out of "wanting to be popular, invited to things, want other people to see me as a valuable part of their life". Lets hope most of us do, because its exhausting!

I honestly couldn't give a monkeys what anyone outside of my immediate family and the best friends I've had since I was a teenager think. Its not important - at all.
If you stop putting out that "I need to be popular/I need to be valuable in your life" vibe by relaxing about it, you'll be fun to be around and people will be relaxed around you, and you'll attract more people to you.

gibson123

I think we all have a little child inside us, who sometimes calls for attention, but the other adult side gives her a good talking to and helps her fight the bullies.

I find as I get older, I care less and less about the opinions of others and fully expect that by the time I am 80, I will be disreputable, opinionated and just down right objectional to those that in my opinion are mean to others.

meritaten

gibson123 wrote: »

I think we all have a little child inside us, who sometimes calls for attention, but the other adult side gives her a good talking to and helps her fight the bullies.

I find as I get older, I care less and less about the opinions of others and fully expect that by the time I am 80, I will be disreputable, opinionated and just down right objectional to those that in my opinion are mean to others.

I am nearing 60 and I think I am already there! I was a shy kid and always yearned to be part of the 'In' crowd - now, I couldnt give a toss. the only opinions who mean anything to me are in my close family - I don't even care what my mother thinks of me now!

getting older doesnt = being more mature. maturity brings different viewpoints and values, the kid inside us is always there - but hopefully only shows in our 'playful' side.

1940sGal

becominganobsessivesaver wrote: »

I've been having a bit of a hard time lately, and some close friendships have been abruptly ended. The whole thing just reminds me of being 12 again, being terrified of getting on the school bus as I didn't know what snide comments were being made behind my back/which awful things were going to be said to my face.

The only difference is that we're now in our thirties and I feel like that 12 year old again with the bullies circling.

I wish I could just escape, but there are too many things which connect us. I have one or 2 friends I know will be there for me, and accept me for who I am, but there's that 12 year old inside me, who wants to be popular, wants to be invited to things, wants other people to see me as a valuable part of their life.

Sorry for the rant but do we ever grow out of these things, or is this just how life is?

I have less than a hand full of truly great friends who, although I don't see as often as I'd like, know they'll never !!!!! about me behind my back, will be there for me when i need them and who will always make me laugh. I don't really want to be overly popular and the kind of person who gets invited to everything. I'm just happy that i've got that little set of friends and I know they value my friendship as much as i value theirs.

Chances are those 2 friends you have do value the part you play in their lives and you probably mean more to them than you realise.

I know I'm never going to be that 'in crowd' type and it doesn't bother me. I just get on with my life as I want to live it. I'm not very confident but nor do i listen to the bullies because they're not worth it.

You need to start valuing yourself more. I know it's not easy but learn to live with who you are and focus on the best points. Like i said sod the bullies

becominganobsessivesaver

In my heart I do know this, I think I'm just so upset because I thought this friend was a true friend, from the things she's done, the times she's confided. It just turns out that when I need support, not only is she not able to offer it, but she completely turns on me.

Maybe I'm not the 12 year old, as actually I don't think the ending of the friendship is upsetting me as much as the fact that I was taken in in the first place.

1940sGal wrote: »

I have less than a hand full of truly great friends who, although I don't see as often as I'd like, know they'll never !!!!! about me behind my back, will be there for me when i need them and who will always make me laugh. I don't really want to be overly popular and the kind of person who gets invited to everything. I'm just happy that i've got that little set of friends and I know they value my friendship as much as i value theirs.

Chances are those 2 friends you have do value the part you play in their lives and you probably mean more to them than you realise.

I know I'm never going to be that 'in crowd' type and it doesn't bother me. I just get on with my life as I want to live it. I'm not very confident but nor do i listen to the bullies because they're not worth it.

You need to start valuing yourself more. I know it's not easy but learn to live with who you are and focus on the best points. Like i said sod the bullies

raven83

My ex "bestfriend" was like this, we had know each other since secondary school, she was a biatch then, and nothing changed as she got older, she just got better at tricking people who thought she was all sunshine. She would slag off practically everyone she knew, then be all sweetness and light to their faces, use to turn my stomach, I am just shocked I put up with it for so long. I would often pull her up and say, " how do I know you don't slag me off to other people, like you do with them" I'd get the big puppy eyes, and the "Oh i'd never do that to you you mean the world to me" Live and learn hey?! She was incredibly controlling too, hated me talking or being friends with anyone else and would often through a fit if I was to see any of my other friends, and used to emotionally blackmail me too.

I am so glad I ditched her, since then I have felt happier, all my other friends that I practically snubbed because of her, have all stood by me (they didn't like her) and I have made some nice mature friends that have been like a breath of fresh air, so in answer to your question, no some people NEVER grow up, they will always be like that because they let their insecurities get in the way, and can't stand to see anyone else happy/doing well for themselves.

1940sGal

becominganobsessivesaver wrote: »

In my heart I do know this, I think I'm just so upset because I thought this friend was a true friend, from the things she's done, the times she's confided. It just turns out that when I need support, not only is she not able to offer it, but she completely turns on me.

Maybe I'm not the 12 year old, as actually I don't think the ending of the friendship is upsetting me as much as the fact that I was taken in in the first place.

That's always a terrible thing to happen. But you're right, you're not the 12 year old here, she is. She's certainly not the kind of friend I'd want/need so I'd be telling myself i'm glad i've found out what she's really like and glad to be free. It will hurt at first, but you'll be so much better off in the long run.

Just keep smiling and telling yourself you're so much better than her