Can you fall in love again?

lilmisskitkat

Hi

Some of you may recall my thread a few months back about my husband's selfish behaviour re: going on holiday leaving me to pack up the house ready for moving.

We've now been in our new house for 2 months and his attitude has greatly improved, he spends more time with the kids and helps around the house etc. I think returning home from his holiday to be handed a stack of papers including details of rental properties, lone parent & housing benefit claim forms and a print out of CSA payments he would be expected to make shook him up somewhat.

I am not planning to leave him but my feelings towards him have changed vastly. I think i do still love him but not like i used to. He's killed it. I think the way he is now has all been 'too little, too late' and i'd had to reach breaking point to get him to actually notice something was wrong and change his ways. Plus i don't believe deep down he has changed, he's just on best behaviour for a while. I have been dealing with everything by myself for years, all the childcare, housework, kids health problems including hospital stays and agonising waiting for test results whilst he was off living his life and i'm now exhausted physically and mentally with it. I'm so so tired. My middle one is starting school in Oct and i keep wishing that it was my youngest starting so i could finally have a break, i'm past the point of exhaustion with it all and i don't enjoy my children like i should

Can you get the love and trust back in relationships? Even when there is this level of bitterness i feel towards him and he is as happy as anything because he didn't lose his cosy life and family. Leaving would cause more problems than staying but sometimes i can't stand to be around him. I need to find a way of making this work and putting these thoughts and feelings in the past.

Anyone?

Thanks

K xx

balletshoes

how often is "sometimes I can't stand to be around him" and what do you do when you feel like that?

You've said yourself, the way things are now, leaving would cause more problems than staying. You're exhausted, thats not going to change if you leave him, is it?

I'm not saying you should stay or go, but I think maybe you should both consider counselling, get an expert's view on how to rebuild the trust. I do think you can "fall back in love", definitely.

marisco_2

When your husband got back from holiday and you handed him the stack of papers which have shocked him into action, did you also talk through how you felt? Does he have any understanding of how awful things feel for you?

NewKittenHelp

You won't be able to move on while you've got that level of resentment and distrust of him. Have you considered counselling for you both? That way he'll know how you feel and you him.

lilmisskitkat

balletshoes wrote: »

how often is "sometimes I can't stand to be around him" and what do you do when you feel like that?

You've said yourself, the way things are now, leaving would cause more problems than staying. You're exhausted, thats not going to change if you leave him, is it?

I'm not saying you should stay or go, but I think maybe you should both consider counselling, get an expert's view on how to rebuild the trust. I do think you can "fall back in love", definitely.

I think it's more when i hear/see/read about other people we know, how their partner is their best friend, about something nice they've done for them or just watching people who are genuinely happy to be in each other's company. I feel cheated that i don't have that, the all the lies he spun me at the start of our relationship we just that - lies. And i dont feel that he has any love, respect or regard for me, i'm just there to serve a purpose.

He wouldn't even consider councilling as he thinks that if he's happy = everything is fine. Plus we couldn't afford it.

marisco wrote: »

When your husband got back from holiday and you handed him the stack of papers which have shocked him into action, did you also talk through how you felt? Does he have any understanding of how awful things feel for you?

I did, how much he actually listened and took in i don't know. He tends to put my 'tantrums' down to hormones and the like :mad:

K xx

FBaby

I do believe that it can come back, but only with time and with his behaviour becoming permanent.

At the moment, you rightly believe that he is 'good' because of seeing what he might have lost, but that the moment he gets his confidence back, he will be back to his old ways. Unfortunately, you are probably being realistic and this is the likely scenario, however, not forceably. Some people do learn as they go and it is possible that your partner could be changing his ways.

You are doing the right thing being on your cards and not letting his sudden better behaviour make you believe that all is well. Hopefully he will prove with time that it will be there to stay, and if that is the case, yes, I do believe you could fall in love with him again, even stronger than the first time.

balletshoes

lilmisskitkat wrote: »

I think it's more when i hear/see/read about other people we know, how their partner is their best friend, about something nice they've done for them or just watching people who are genuinely happy to be in each other's company. I feel cheated that i don't have that, the all the lies he spun me at the start of our relationship we just that - lies.

And i dont feel that he has any love, respect or regard for me, i'm just there to serve a purpose.
K xx

other people's relationships are rarely as happy as they make out .
Has your OH never done something nice for you, are you never happy in each other's company?

Your last sentence is worrying to me - you feel this way now, when he's "behaving"?

lilmisskitkat

balletshoes wrote: »

other people's relationships are rarely as happy as they make out .
Has your OH never done something nice for you, are you never happy in each other's company?

Your last sentence is worrying to me - you feel this way now, when he's "behaving"?

I know, it's just i very very rarely feel i can join in those types of conversations. His 'nice' things are never just because, they either precede or follow him wanting to do something for himself.

I'm still living with the past hurt and treatment. This is what i need to get past, as his behaviour at the moment means nothing to me as i don't think it will last.

K xx

marisco_2

lilmisskitkat wrote: »

I have been dealing with everything by myself for years, all the childcare, housework, kids health problems including hospital stays and agonising waiting for test results whilst he was off living his life and i'm now exhausted physically and mentally with it. I'm so so tired. My middle one is starting school in Oct and i keep wishing that it was my youngest starting so i could finally have a break, i'm past the point of exhaustion with it all and i don't enjoy my children like i should

How was he raised? Does he see it as the 'norm' that the mum/wife does all of the above by herself? Whilst the dad goes out to earn a living. Is the thought of joint parenting alien to him and not something he has any experience of. I am not saying that flippantly, just trying to understand why he wants so little input into looking after his own children.

You chose to have these children together. Did you both not discuss how things would work, once these little people who are reliant on you both for everything arrived. Did you not agree how to split the responsibility and keep some semblance of a stimulating adult life individually and as a couple too?

It appears he at least saw assumed roles and is happily getting on with his. Leaving you to do what he sees as your role. You have got on with it to the point now where you are almost on your knees and not enjoying it at all.

Nobody can do something 24/7 with no other interests or outlets and enjoy what they do. Variety adds spice to life and also keeps you feeling healthy and balanced. Leaving him wont solve your problems as being a lone parent is incredibly hard. Though I could understand if you see yourself like that already from what you describe.

Can either of your parents have the kids overnight so you two can be by yourselves and really sort this out? To feel this low and upset is no good for you, your marriage or for the kids. If your husband refuses to see that and whitewashes your feelings, saying you are hormonal and having a tantrum, then you need to question where his priorities lie.

londonsurrey

It can return, but really, don't pressure yourself to make it do so.

Having gone through the hard graft bit of shock, grief, ultimatums, decision, paperwork, you have REALLY earned the right to take your time making up your mind, even if it's years.

Having gone through a marriage of nearly 20 years, and then finding someone else, I was very surprised to find how much rubbish I had actually put up with, and what a difference being with an emotionally mature and responsible man makes.

Even the small things, for instance, he actually buys his OWN Mother's Day and Father's Day cards. *rollseyes* If you've been in the type of relationship I was with my late husband, you'll know exactly what I mean by this!

Fire_Fox

IMO address the exhaustion: if you are stressed or mildly depressed you may find it difficult to take pleasure in many aspects of life and may find it difficult to connect with your husband. This may mean you need to take a break alone whilst he cares for the children, or you have a weekend away just the two of you if Grandparents will help out.

Secondly consider attending relationship counselling together. IIRC you do not need to pay organisations like Relate if you cannot afford to do so. If he is reluctant be clear about what the alternatives are just as you were last time. Maybe you could write a very firm letter acknowledging the efforts he has made of late, telling him how you are feeling, that you need a break from the children either together or on your own, and that you feel the two of you need counselling and couples time to get that spark back? Most men would like to get a spark back with their wife, albeit more the sex side than anything else!! Relate also offers counselling that you can attend by yourself, or you might be able to get some via your GP.

It will be a lot more expensive running two separate households than it would be to juggle your budget to find a modest amount of money to invest in the two of you.