Anything I can do?

natjohnson

Ah thanks Bugsy, think my ex opted for that, but then he left work so it didn't matter lol. I don't understand how they can act the way they do, don't they realise how badly it hurts the children involved?? My kids understand they don't have a dad but don't query why as yet (they're 4 and 5). They know other people have daddy's but some kids don't, they don't know that they don't get the maintenance, but to agree to meet with your teenage daughter who is fully aware then back off is terrible. Does your daughter still want to meet him? I'm nervous for when my kids ask to meet him as is normal, they want to know where they came from and will want answers...he's the type of ex to meet so he can tell them that everything was MY fault and he tried so so hard to see them (he could claim Legal Aid but chooses not to fight) and that it's mummy who stopped him...

My ex also a violent drunk/drug addict...2 months after I left he took an overdose and nearly died, sadly he survived but as soon as I found out I went to a solicitor and gave them all the information and as he'd never really played the daddy role when we lived together as he was always drunk they agreed that he could only have supervised access. All access stopped when he found a new girlfriend, but not until many arguments with him stating rubbish law that I had to let him come to my house blah blah and he wanted unsupervised access now he was 'cured' (seriously it's the word he used!)

I agree, he chose not to see his kids, doesn't mean he should be absolved of all responsibility! He can't even send a card or present for birthdays or Xmas so I don't know why I'm suprised he'll do anything to get out of paying CSA, suppose it still shocks me how low some parents will go.

I've found the majority of CSA workers pleasant and sympathetic, but I've spoken to 1 person who told me to stop ringing them so they could do some work! Had to point out to her that the reason I was ringing was because nothing was being done, and my case had sat for nearly 9 months! They don't seem to have a clue what they're doing, I get told differing stories from 1 call to the next, so frustrating like you say as it's their job! If I did my job the way they do theirs, I'd be sacked!

I think I must have spent more in phone calls to the CSA than I've received for the kids, but I'm not letting him get away without taking some responsibility, the CSA should be harsher, take him to court or get the bailiffs in like they claim they will, make him sell organs to pay his debt If they could guarantee a faster turn around of 3 months for each change of circumstance, and to actually enforce a non-payer or serial job hopper I'd gladly pay...but from what I understand, the law needs changing first

natjohnson

Caroline, I didn't realise how many people have been in the same situation, sounds like they're all brothers lol. Think that's half the problem with the CSA, there are parents who don't want to pay as they would rather spite the ex, surely they can see how selfish and stupid that is?? I understand the NRP thinking the maintenance gets spent wrongly, but any money the PWC gets goes on bills to keep the children warm, and clean and pays for food for the kids to eat etc. My ex knew at the time that any maintenance I received would go into a set bank account for the kids so they'd have some savings when they were of age..

I've been told that when my children turn 18, the arrears will still have to be paid, is that not the case?

I agree 100%, like I said in a previous post, whilst he may be laughing and thinking he has won by not paying, I have all my kids' love. We're a happy little family and my kids don't miss out of anything from not having him, or his money

bugsy2009

I quite agree I don't understand how some fathers can act this way.
When we split regardless to what he'd done to me I let him come see the kids for 11 months(bad decision in hind sight) but he was more interested in bothering me than seeing the kids, he did take them out but found out he was just taking them to the pub. Once he worked out i didn't want him back the visits became fewer and i'd watch my eldest daughter sit in the window waiting for him and he'd turn up weeks later! It eventually got so bad i said i wanted something sorting properly but he met someone and never bothered with them at all. He actually had children with this women and they were eventually taken off them and adopted.
Over the years he's mostly worked but also drifted in and out of trouble with the law which is when I usually get a letter asking for access. Thought actually he would pop another child or two out to avoid maintenance but i doubt social services would allow a child in the house with him now(after what he did to his last pwc while pregnant).
Of course most will say(and have) why bother trying to get money out of a scumbag like this but in the end i've not seen him in years and won't again and why shouldn't he provide for his kids!
As for my kids i've never actually bad mouthed him but my youngest did tell her friends at school a few years ago while making fathers day cards hers was dead!
The eldest does remember some things and did say to her friends mother a few years ago that the best day of her life was the day her dad left. Of course they can also read things on the internet and if they google his name then there is quite a lot that comes up!
The facebook thing not sure of that as my daughters quite savvy usually. I actually found out as she left her facebook on one day and there was a friend request, he'd already sent one to me lol so just knew it was off him. Wrongly or rightly i then read the messages where he tried to tell her it wasn't his choice to not see them it was me stopping him blah blah blah and wanting to meet up with her. Daughters answers were really one word answers as if she couldn't be bothered! He then nicked a photo off her cousins account(unfortunately they entertain him) and put it as his profile pic so of course then i let rip. After watching his comments over what lovely girls they were and how proud he was of her etc i couldn't keep stum lol. Went to town on him s***m doesn't make him a father and even told him the way he spoke to her was more like a girlfriend not a daughter really creepy. Anyway that was that he's never bothered again lol
Csa are a nightmare they threaten to do this that and the other but never do letting him off everytime, I just hope this time it works out and might get some money as teenagers are damn well expensive lol
Of course it isn't all the csa as hes given them the runaround but i think like you say they should be harsher, punish them if they don't comply so they know if they don't pay this or that will be done!

RuthnJasper

natjohnson wrote: »

Your ex does sound very familiar to mine!! Mine is also a serial job and benefits hopper, he does exactly the same thing! As soon as he gets a letter saying he'll have to pay x amount he leaves his job or quits benefits to get a job and then he's never made to pay. My ex also doesn't answer letters or phone calls often, and the CSA keep telling me they'll send someone round to talk to him and nothing happens. Just to add insult, with every letter they send me a lovely leaflet with the title "What the CSA can do if the NRP doesn't pay", nothing is the answer lol! When my ex started working last May he didn't mention his job to the CSA, I only found out in Sept and I was told when I complained that something should be done that "it's your responsibility to inform us when your ex starts/leaves work" I was jobsmacked, I have no contact with ex at all, and like yours mine was daft enough to leave his FB open so I could see who he was adding and they all worked at 1 particular company...d'uh!! From Dec until this April I was ringing the CSA weekly, and everytime I'd get told different stories, first they had his wage slips so could proceed and it's be 14 days, then I'd ring back in 2 weeks for an update to be told that they don't have his wage slips at all, so they'd need to contact him and his employers (both uncompliant) and they'd start that straight away. One member of staff actually told me to stop ringing so they could get work done on my case, I calmly pointed out that the problem was they weren't doing anything on my case and that's why I was ringing! Sorry for asking, what's a deo?

I rang CSA again yesterday to be told they still don't have his wage slips from over a year ago so they still have no idea how much arrears have built up, worked it out myself and it'll be in the region of £3000 for the past 3 years, lol yes I got a huge payment of £10 this week, looking through travel brochures now

£10, eh?! Lucky thing - see you in Vegas ;-)

Seriously Nat - your mind is in the right place and your sense of humour is intact. These are things that make happy memories of childhood.

There's plenty of stuff you can do for free, a nice walk (see how many different kinds of bird-song you can count) a outdoor or carpet-picnic, growing cress and simple salad-things in pots or a garden patch to raise and then eat, a round-robin story (sit in a little circle; you make up the first part, then the next person makes up the second part, then the next person makes up the third part - and so on until the story is finished. Brilliant!)!

AND - though it seems a long way off at the moment, don't forget that autumn and winter are just a few months away - use any spare time to make home-made Christmas/Hanukkah cards (and maybe, if you feel like it, send the cutest cards to your ex and his grotty slag of a mother - so that seeing how happy, well-balanced and clever your children are becoming, rightly pricks their consciences).

And you can get set for a winter of garden/window-box bird-feeding and spotting by making your own bird-feeders and bird-cakes - see here for how it's done: http://www.rspb.org.uk/youth/makeanddo/activities/birdcake.aspx

There are SO many things to do that DON'T need money, and are really great fun.

And you're right, Nat. HE is the one losing out. The innocent and pure, heartfelt and lasting, love of a well-brought-up, balanced, happy child is life's greatest blessing. One day your ex. will realise this, but it will be too late, and he has only himself to blame.


I know that it seems hard at times, especially when it's too hot or too wet outside; everyone is tired and tempers are frayed and the household is irritable, crotchety and snappy - this is normal. Nat, I think you love your children more than my parents loved me as a child (i.e. without bad-mouthing others or bitterness that I wasn't the child they'd hoped for). Don't ever stop being the person and the loving mother that you clearly are - whether or not the CSA money is forthcoming.

Keep smiling - it will be OK. xxxxx