Chief bridesmaid dilemma

minerva_windsong

So, I got engaged a couple of months ago and am planning to get married in October 2014. Originally I only wanted my oldest friend from sixth form as my bridesmaid, mainly because I didn't feel I had any other friends close enough to ask and thought my two sisters would find it a bit weird (they're quite a few years older than me). So she effectively became chief bridesmaid and that's what I asked her to be. However, I have since been persuaded by my OH and mum to ask a uni friend and my sisters, although I haven't asked my sisters yet.

The friend who I've asked to be chief bridesmaid has a history of depression and has had a few really bad patches in recent years. It's quite hard to predict what will trigger it but the common things seem to be work and relationships (I've been with OH for five years whereas she's never had a serious relationship), and I am a bit worried that as the wedding gets closer the stress of it and having to organise stuff might affect her, which I would absolutely hate to do. Plus, at the risk of sounding like a selfish cow, she's quite shy and tends not to talk to people she doesn't really know, so I quite often end up talking to her all night so she doesn't feel left out, and I know that I'd be worrying about her on top of everything else in the run-up to the wedding and on the hen do/wedding day.

So, in order to reduce the stress on her, I was thinking of making one of my sisters chief bridesmaid instead, but even considering it is making feel terribly guilty for taking it away from her if that makes sense. I don't want to hurt her by effectively turning around and saying words to the effect of, "You're not chief bridesmaid any more because I don't think you can hack it" - I should stress of course I would never put it like that - but equally she's my friend and I want her to have a nice time and not to feel stressed out or like I've abandoned her because I've got other stuff to do and other people to talk to.

The only other way round it I can think of is to keep her as chief bridesmaid in all but name and just give the jobs to my other bridesmaids, such as asking my sister to organise the hen do (even if it would be easier for this friend to do it as she's the only one who lives in the same city as me, although I suppose she could be the 'woman in the field' but it'd then still mean she had to do lots of organising), and just having 'Bridesmaids' in the order of service. But then I don't know if she'd twig and if it'd just be easier to come out with it sooner rather than later.

Of course a lot of this is speculation as I haven't actually asked my sisters yet, although one of them has said she'd say yes if I did, but just looking for some advice on how best to handle the situation. Feel free to tell me I'm a heartless witch or I've made a rod for my own back by the way!

MrsDrink

If she's close enough to you to ask her to be a Bridesmaid and Chief Bridesmaid surely she is close enough to you for you to be able to ask her her thoughts on whether she'll cope. Obviously done in a nice and diplomatic way but give her the chance to say whether she'd want the roles and responsibilities you'd be expecting of her.

Surfbabe

If you are going to end up with four attendants just tell them all that you have decided not to have a chief bridesmaid as they will all have a special part to play and you will ask them individually for help

rdchick

I know what you mean and have a best friend very very similar! She would be my cheif bridesmaid but is married so that's an advantage but I think you should perhaps see how she feels, ask her what she thinks about the whole situation... might help with the decision? xxx

mouthscradle

Speaking as someone who also has a history of depression, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but I would find it kind of upsetting if asked to be a close friends MOH but then "demoted" because of that history.
Obviously, you have to also think of yourself and your own stress levels, but think of it from her side. If she has low self-esteem and then realises that her good friend doesn't even think she can organise a night out. That would be a knock to anyone, let alone someone who doesn't feel much self worth.
Maybe she will suprise you. Maybe this responsibility will give her something positive to focus on and a sense of purpose. And if you've been a source of help and support to her through her bad times, there's a good chance that she will be an incredible MOH and see this as a way of repaying you and thanking you.
At the end of the day, if at any point you pick up on her struggling with any aspect of it, you can always broach it with her then and if needs be, delegate some things out to the others. Or just divvy up the jobs evenly as you go along so she's not doing any more than anyone else.
Obviously I don't know her and can only go on my own experience and what you've said. But the fact that you asked her straight away but have had to be talked into considering the other girls speaks volumes to me and I think you should give her a chance.

podperson

Maybe just say something to her along the lines of that since you've got some other bridesmaids now then if she starts getting stressed with anything or there's any duties that she really doesn't want to do, then to let you know and you'll ask some of the others to do things as well. Then the option is there but the ball is in her court so to speak.

RainbowDrops

My sister was Chief Bridesmaid, but my other two BMs, my best friends, did as much as my sister, if not more for the hen do.

What I'm trying to say is, your friend can still be "CBM", but you can give other BMs roles too, without upsetting the apple cart.

Okydoky25

Are your sisters married, could one be Maid of Honour? Not sure but I think that out ranks chief bridesmaid?

daisiegg

My sister is maid of honour and won't be organising/taking responsibility for anything. It doesn't have to be stressful for her

daisiegg

Okydoky25 wrote: »

Are your sisters married, could one be Maid of Honour? Not sure but I think that out ranks chief bridesmaid?

Oops I thought they were the same thing...

double_mummy

doesnt a maid of honor have to be unmarried?

i thought it was matron of honor if they were married

i hate all these stupid wedding technicalities