Counselling feedback for trust issues

alternativeusername

Hi everyone,

Posting with a different username just in case etc...hoping you can help. To cut a long story short I am considering having counselling for relationship trust issues and was wondering if anyone has had this themselves, and if so what was the outcome and did it help you.

Bascially my partner of several years emotionally cheated on me (hate that phrase but it best describes what happened) - buying her gifts but forgetting my birthday (not even a card) and emailing/texting her a lot and making me feel second best. When I asked him at the time he denied it but I eventually found out. I have always wondered if it would have gone any further had I not found out - he said it wouldn't but I have no idea. He was really gutted he had upset me and thankfully we managed to work things out. He cut all ties with her and also agreed to be more open and to stop using his phone so much, and to not leave his phone face down when it's on the table (which makes me think he has something to hide).

Fast forward two years and things are a lot better. No more forgotten birthdays and I do still feel he is the one for me. However the phone thing hasn't improved and I know he has recently become very friendly with a female colleague (he told me she is his closest friend at work). Now I am happy for him to be friends with whoever he wants but there is a tiny part of me that thinks it is happening again. I've suggested meeting her so I can put my fears to rest but so far he hasn't organised anything. I still don't think he is as open as I'd like as when I ask him questions (in a nice, non agressive way might I add!) he delays his answers and then doesn't answer properly.

I genuinely believe he is telling the truth and he just loves his phone too much (football gossip, sports news etc), that he is very social and likes the attention, and that he doesn't answer questions because it's not a big deal or he doesn't want to go into it all over again. I think he has changed but I sometimes feel his actions aren't as good as his words. I have suggested counselling together so we can both get our points across but he said he doesn't see the need as he wants to be with me. When we have chatted he has suggested a couple of things to make our relationship more exciting - date nights, spontaneous walks etc and I'm up for trying that as I think it could be good too.

I'm just wondering if individual counselling will help me with these trust issues and also help with my low confidence (which came about as a result of the trust issues). I was so much more happy, trusting and confident before all this happened and just want us to get back to that.

Sorry for the long post but just need to let my feelings out in the hope someone can help.

bikelesschick

First of all, well done for sticking up for yourself and working on your difficulties.

If you feel that you have some trust issues and is experiencing low confidence levels that are a direct result of this experience, then yes, counselling may help.

Can I suggest Relate? They're a charity that provides relationship counselling. You haven't mentioned any financial worries but counselling can take a while (it's unusual for people to change overnight) so it can be expensive. At Relate, you pay what you can afford so extra bonus.

Take care of yourself.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Has he suggested that you 'must be mental', by any chance?

:cool:

alternativeusername

Hi bikelesschick, thank you for your reply. Don't know why but it helped having someone just say 'take care of yourself' - haven't had that much recently and it was nice! Thanks too for the tip about Relate, I will give them a call.

JojotheTightfisted - I'm not sure if I'm having a slow day or not but I don't get what you mean...

I'd still be interested to hear if anyone has had counselling before for issues like this as I'm a bit nervous about going and would like to know what to expect.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

alternativeusername wrote: »

Hi bikelesschick, thank you for your reply. Don't know why but it helped having someone just say 'take care of yourself' - haven't had that much recently and it was nice! Thanks too for the tip about Relate, I will give them a call.

JojotheTightfisted - I'm not sure if I'm having a slow day or not but I don't get what you mean...

I'd still be interested to hear if anyone has had counselling before for issues like this as I'm a bit nervous about going and would like to know what to expect.

It's not unheard of for a bloke who has been caught out once to go on the attack and suggest that his OH has counselling or psychiatric help if she dares to query him when he's up to his old tricks again.

Tamsin_Temrin

Why should he go to counselling? Comfy wife at home, no inconvenient checking of his phone, wifey deflected from giving him grief, fit bird at work.

No reason why he should go to counselling as the set up probably suits him just fine. If you press hard, he may get defensive - and the best form of defence is attack. So if he is planning another ego trip then brace for being told your imagining things, your crazy, you are destroying the marriage because you cant trust (even though he wont do the things that would let you trust him) etc etc

Sorry, this is harsh, but the reason you are having issues is because he isnt helping you trust him. It needs more than a shiny present to give you back a sense of security. Be assertive (not nasty) about the phone, keep sticking to the point. Then that should tell you how committed he is.

Or you could just say that you will be turning up at work some time next week so he can make an introduction to his latest ego trip - not sure what day, probably lunch time. He could have a funny turn at that, or a hissy fit, or finally come clean.

There may be nothing in this, though I bet that you dont feel that, but the problem is that he isnt doing stuff to reassure you. It isnt you, its him. Hopefully its nothing and he is just being a bit dim. Wishing you luck