Days go by

mechanical_angel

Hi All

I had my LBM a couple of weeks ago when I was offered overtime at work. Despite being in debt the thought of coming into work on the weekend was too much for me and I turned it down, and at that moment I realized I don't actually like my job. I'm not sure how I never noticed this before.

It's not a bad job, just very, very boring. I knew it was boring but I didn't realize how much I didn't like it until the idea of doing extra work nearly made me cry. You'd think that's the sort of thing you would know and I don't know why I didn't.

So the easy solution to this is to get a new job. This is where the debt becomes a problem. My job comes with the advantage of being just about walking distance from my flat and with a discounted mortage. If I wanted to change jobs I'd need to earn half as much again (net) to cover the extra travel and stay in the same position. Also my job is very stable (assuming they dont catch me surfing the internet at work) for at least the next two years which is not to be sneezed at in the current climate, particularly when you're in debt.

So the next step is clearly to get rid of my debt and reduce my expenses so I can think about a new job.

I have spurts of trying but I've never managed to keep it going. I just don't seem to have the willpower. Sometimes getting out of bed and going to work is about all I can manage. Weirdly, at work I am actually fairly competant - this is not my imagination I just had a performance appraisal and it went just fine. At home somehow doing anything at all is too much. I have spurts of trying to do things like tidy up and declutter but as soon as I get close to sorted, it all falls apart again. It's like having giant weights on your hands, the effort of lifting them is too great. There was a loaf of bread going mouldy in the cupboard right next to the breakfast ceral, so I looked at it getting mouldier every day, but didn't manage to put it in the bin. Written down that is somehow even more pathetic than I thought it was.

I don't know why I'm so rubbish at being a decent human being, but I am trying to do better. Hence this diary, the bread made it into the bin at last because I couldn't admit on here it was still sitting there. I am currently having a spurt of energy and I'd like to try and keep it going. It's so exhausting dragging yourself back up again all the time. I manage to turn up at work every day in clean ironed clothes, but my ironing pile leaves in a crumpled heap in my washing basket and my ironing board is permanently set up because I haven't bothered to take it down. I seem incappable of doing anything until crisis point is reached, then I sort things out and get them manageable again, and then I dunno, it all slips away from me.

I am writing this diary now to keep myself from going to bed for a couple of hours and waking up in the middle of the night. Usually I go to sleep after work until about 10pm and then I wake up and have dinner and zone out until I go back to bed at 3am until its time to get up again. I know this can't be good for me (its definitely not good re cleaning as I live in a flat and cleaning after 10pm is just anti-social) but I'm so exhausted after work (I work in an office, it's not difficult, or hard) I can't seem to stop myself. I was supposed to have another go at stopping this from the begining of August but I failed yesterday so today I decided to try this diary thing in an attempt to make myself behave.

I will do better. Other people with actual problems manage this sort of stuff just fine and it's embarrasing to admit how rubbish I am at it, but maybe it will force me to do better. Thank god this anoymous though.

So in attempt at shaming myself into doing better I have five positive steps (I'd like to do 10 but I really dont think I can) between now and tomorrow evening:
have shower,
go to bed by 12.00,
take all the empty wrappers, boxes etc out the kitchen cupboard where I left them after eating the last whatever,
set washing machine cause rewearing socks is gross,
take all the mouldy stuff out the fridge.

None of that directly relates to money-saving but that seems a bit advanced for me at the moment. I'll try and think of something MSE for later

Right sufficently embarrased myself with my uselesses enough for one evening. Think I'll go and sort some socks.

I will do better.

Enchanted21

Morning:-). Wondered how you managed to get on with your list of 'to do's?' . Try not to beat yourself up too much, sometimes you just need to put one foot in front of the other and take baby steps.

Love the diary title. Reminds me of a song I listen to.

Take Care, Enchanted.

hannahroberts1985

Hey :wave:

I know exactly how you feel...

Small steps are the way forward.

How did it go with the 5 things?

Hannah xxx

LittleMissGiggles123

Hope you managed to get something from your list done. I know how you feel this week!! For some reason I've just been exhausted all week, been to work (also an office jobm so same as you) then I get home & just wish I could go to bed instead of the usual daily chores of putting the washing on, cooking the family some dinner etc etc.

Well thats my little moan over with! Anyway, let us know how your to do list went & if you've got a new one for the weekend

x

mechanical_angel

i am so tired all I want to do is curl up and go to sleep for just a little while. however i am dterminded not to do this as it is my downfall, I promise it will only be twenty minutes, set the alarm and everything, then I ignore the alarm and dont wake up til four hours later, then mooch around until I go back to bed at 3 in the morning.

so i am not doing this. i will go to bed at a proper time and have a proper night's sleep. that's the sort of thing that's supposed to make you feel better, even if at he moment i'm stumbling around like a zombie.

i have completed four of my positive steps and will have a shower before i go to bed. never seen my kitchen cupboards so empty, i apparently have space, who knew.

cleaned out the fridge too and threw lots of stuff away, very un-mse wasting food but now everything is clear i can see what i have which should make it easier to eat stuff before it goes off. (felt a bit bad throwing the onion away it had these great green-white shiny shoots and actually looked very healthy) also discovered two cans sardines in the cupboard that go out of date this month so i will eat them soon.

littlemissgiggles, yes somedays all i want to do is pull the duvet over my head and disapear for a bit. but you are right, chores need to be done. will do better.

hannah, small steps seem to be the way forward, maybe that way i can keep them up.

enchanted, I pinched the title from one of my favourite songs, maybe its the same one. keith urban? its a great song that either depresses me or gets me going depending how i feel at the time.

thank you all for your support, knowing someone's reading makes me more determinded to stick to my positive steps.

since 5 postive steps went okay i'm trying for 6, there's so much that needs doing it could easily be 106 but i'll stick to baby steps for the moment, one foot in front of the other

bed by 12 and not too much before (cheated last night 12.15 but am tired so dont think this wil be a problem)

do the washing up and clean sink & work surface

tidy up ironing heap and actually do ironing

find somewhere to put enormous box filled with saved padded envelopes that migrates from room to room when i get sick of it being in the way. (this one may be tricky but there must be somewhere i can shove it so i don't keep tripping over it)

pay council tax bill & electric bill (also work out if i paid the council tax for June or not, think i might be a month in arrears but am not actually sure) this is actually mse, sort of, so that's good.

very mse one - look at finances and try and work out some sort of long term plan. i can make my minium payments and this means i tend to forget i actually have debt most of the time, this must stop. i'm sure a bit of organization would work wonders.

so now i'm off to do the washing up, also must eat something for dinner as a proper dinner is another thing that's supposed to make you better. if i tell myself enough times that breakfast cereal does not count as a proper dinner no matter how convenient it is, i might start listening. maybe.

LittleMissGiggles123

Hi Angel, glad to hear you managed the steps yesterday. Feels good when you achieve a goal you've set, no matter how big or small!

I've had the Friday feeling all week, so when I got in from work today I was going to just chill out all night. But you know what, after reading our post I actually got my butt off the sofa & did a few things. I put a fresh load of washing on, did a small pile of ironing (nothing major, just a few t-shirts & some of my daughters dresses) and I made a kitchen cupboard stock list.

So thank you, you got me moving!

x

hannahroberts1985

Hey again :wave:

Good to see you back I've seen so many people start diarys then not come back to them. I promise if you stick at it you'll feel better in now time :j

My house was getting a bit on the messy side today and i'd had a bad day at work so came home showered and went straight for the PJ's had no intention of sorting the house out then a friend text to see if she could pop for a brew. This made me have a quick swoop round and make the place look presentable. Made me think of you maybe you should randomly invite people round for a cup of tea then it'll mean you have to clean before they get round :rotfl:

Do you work shifts? You sleep patten seems to be crazy. I'm a 8 hour a night girl.

Also have you ever taken vitamins? I try to eat healthley but found since taking multivitamins I have more energy think it's the iron as I don't get much being a vegi. Just a thought.

Good luck on your 6 jobs xx

NewLeaf_2

hi welcome to the diaries. It sounds like your body might have realised before you did that you are in an unhappy place and that is why your sleep is out of kilter.

Whenever I am sad or stressed I always want to sleep loads (weird form of escapism) but it seems you may have this all sussed out already.

Do you do any socialising or exercising? I have to force myself most of the time but when I finally get out there and do it, I enjoy it.

Please post some more. I think it's really good!

Wordsmith

Hello and welcome!

I can so identify with your posts! Breakfast cereal for dinner and all. As other people have said, baby steps really are the way to go. Don't beat yourself up. Just pick a few manageable things to do each day and make a real effort to do them - you will feel so much better about things and more in control. The to do list doesn't have to be earth-shattering items - for me, if I've managed to get the washing up done it is a real achievement (and you have no idea how many days I can go with just swilling a plate under the tap for immediate use). As for mouldy bread - you're one step ahead, because mine is still festering on top of the microwave, along with the mouldy apple pie (which in my defence was mouldy when I brought it home - it was thown out of the shop that I work in and I was supposed to be taking it home for the birds - not hard, is it? but it is still sitting alongside the bread and will probably now be a health hazard for the birds, too).

Do you think you might be suffering from depression? This makes all jobs, even the teeniest, seem like a mountain to climb. I would certainly try to get your sleep patterns sorted out and the multivitamins advice is sound - don't put this off because of not wanting to spend money, because if it gives you a boost and you can start sorting your life into what you want it to be, it will be an investment in the long run.

Do you like walking? Even if you are tired, could you try to get out for a walk after work - the fresh air and exercise will help sort your body out.

Try to post here every day - focus on even the tiniest achievement and don't get lost in any mire of self-loathing - it is a waste of time and helps nothing.

Even if you can't think of moving jobs yet, you can still start working towards such a move - maybe doing a part-time qualification, and investigating what you would really like to do.

Have a look at the What Small Things Have You Done Today thread for motivation. And remember that a small step in the right direction is still a step in the right direction.

Good luck, and please stay with us.

mechanical_angel

Thank you all for your replies, they encouraged me to post again. My current resistance to posting is extreme, just hitting the keys is so much effort, its like other me holding my arms down against my desk so I cant even type (I'm a bit scared of other me, I don't think she likes me very much)

I completed most of my positive steps which is good. Have done most of the ironing and will finish the rest before I go to bed. It was all so begraggled and twisted up I think it might have been easier to just give up and wash it all again but I perservered. Putting the ironing board away tonight will make my bedroom a bit clearer which can only be good.

Cleaned off the kitchen counters and wiped them all down, can't remember when it last looked so clean. (The floor is another matter but that's a step for tomorrow). Side note: toasters are possible the most frustrating thing in the world to clean around, every time you jog it, more crumbs magically appear no matter how much you'd previously shaken it. I swear I was one step from taking the sticky roller cat hair remover thingy to it.

Emptied the insanely huge box of envelopes into two smaller boxes and stashed them on top of the book case, feel acomplished but also wonder why I couldn't manage that six months ago. Paid electricity and council tax. Gave up on trying to work out if I was up to date with the council, will have ring them during the week.

Most importantly of all I did not go back to bed. I was so tired at about six this evening I was dizzy with it and eventually I just curled up on the floor next to my bed, put my head down on the duvet and went to sleep for an hour. When I woke up again, even though I wasn't tired any more, I was just desperate to crawl into bed. You can't imagine how hard it was not to, actually, you probably can, but not in connection with something as ridiculous as going to bed. I seriously couldn't move for ten minutes because if I did, I'd have been snuggled straight in.

Now that I think it over, yesterday and today are probably the first days I've gone for more than six hours without going back to sleep in longer than I care to think about. Even when I'm at work I have a twenty minute catnap in my lunch break.

I'm not really feeling much better for it yet, but I am determinded to regularize my sleep pattern. I'm sure it will help.

LittleMissGiggles, glad I could help. I know in theory one or two chores a day is much better than putting it off and having to cram everything into one go, but I'm not vey good at listening to myself.

Hannah, unfortunately having somebody round doesn't work, I just shift everything into my bedroom and shut the door, then when they'd gone I have to drag everything out again so I can get to the bed. I actually work an extremely standard 9am-5.30pm. Work is the most regular thing about me. But you are right, my sleep pattern is crazy and I am going to change this. I will try your suggestion of multivitiams, they sound like the sort of thing that should help.

NewLeaf, I think you're right, being exhausted all the time and sleeping as much as possible is escapisim on my part. I'm just not sure what to do about it.

Wordsmith, oh I'm so glad I'm not the only non-student who still eats breakfast cereal for dinner (when you think about it's very sensible, it's healthy and everything - no, slaps fingers, breakfast cereal is not for dinner, bad Leanne). I am relatively good about not pulling dirty plates out of sink and reusing them, mostly because I switch to serving up my breakfast cereal in mugs and I've got lots of them.

I don't have depression, my brother had that, and this is not that. He couldn't move at all and would stay in bed all day and be plugged into the computer all night. I will try the multivitamins, fortunately I still have a not yet at its limit credit card.

I am posting but like I said my resistance to the idea is phenenomenal. If I could channel that stubborness into something useful, I'd be sorted. Taking a course is a good idea, thank you. I think I have some money left in my education fund at work, I will have to check.

So 6 postive steps for tomorrow

remove the two boxes of random stuff from my bedroom. now they are not heaped over with clean and dirty clothes they are pretty obviously in the way. one is easily three foot by three foot, I have no idea what's in it, just hope it isn't mouldy bread!

remove boxes scattered across living room floor, I count nine from a quick scan, they do entertain the cats but I need my living room back

hoover, especially once I can get at the floor

go for a walk, there is a nice wood near my flat, it's lovely to walk through and see the trees

buy and take multivitamins

clear off desk, there's not much but I'm there all the time so I'm always looking at the clutter.

Off to finish up the ironing, and then to bed.

pogg000

You sound just like i did a few years ago.


I hope you can acheive your aims. Remember small steps, they all add up.

wishing you well