Moving to parents WITH a baby?

heyboots

on the plus side, you might find you and your partner get closer, we found once my sone was asleep, at 8pm, we had the choice of sitting upstairs watching telly etc or mymum was happy for us to go out. i know you are saving - we werent at the time, so we would go to cinema/pub but sometimes just for a drive and a walk etc. it was lovely to spend so much time together as a couple.

poppasmurf_bewdley

Much better to bring your son up at his grandparents house, than live in a house racked by debt. Debt causes so many problems which can and does affect children.

In my experience, if not tackled urgently, most debt problems only go one way - deeper! You are doing the right thing.

backinbusiness

I think you know the best option.

You sound like a kind, loving and sensible person.

It's a temporary arrangement, and much better as someone above said than struggling on racked with debt (and guilt) and able to do very little.

In your circumstances I think I would embrace this chance.

Let us know what you decide OP.

BiB

fantastiyk

Hi,
I know exactly where you're coming from. I have been there and done it. Stayed with my in laws for 3 months while our home was being renovated and the renovation took longer than expected so a caravan wasn't the best place for kids in the autumn/winter. There were pros and cons for all of us.

I know you can set ground rules but technically it is their house so if they don't like your ground rules will they stick to them?
Is your wife definitely willing to move out as soon as the debt is paid?
I know of quite a few couples where the partner whose family it was they were staying with wanted to stay on when the time was up and it caused a lot of friction and the other partner felt ganged up on by their partner and in laws and felt they were being made out to be unreasonable. When faced with the prospect of staying another 6 months or year to save a deposit, it can sound like the one who wants to move out isn't being practical.
My hubby was in such a hurry to get our space back and let his parents have their space back we moved into a house that wasn't fully dried out in middle of winter. -Just before Christmas - because it was important to him too!! And I did it because I knew how important it was to him. And I wanted space too, and I wanted them to have their space back.

My in laws are wonderful people, and they were then. Yet it was their house and they still did things their way. I felt in the way and lots irritated me and them. My MIL didn't believe in my dd's allergy and kept giving her yoghurts, chocolate and milk, which drove her eczema crazy, and biscuits before dinner for the 3 kids was another one. I almost had my tongue bit off in the end because she just did it day after day no matter what we said. I think at times she felt I was ungrateful and that I didn't know as much about kids as she did because she had more than me. When we didn't live together none of this was an issue.

A suggestion would be if you are willing to do this then would your wife be willing to work even part time, so you can hit the debt quicker? Otherwise there's a lot in this arrangement for her and less for everyone else, most especially you if you are the one whose not happy about it.
I get that she doesn't like to leave the baby, but you seem to feel you already don't have as much time with your son as you say you'd like, yet you have to do it. And it was joint spending that got you into this so its unfair that only one has to make all the sacrifices. If he won't remember where he lived for his first Christmas he won't remember whether his mum left him with his grandparents to go to work.

I totally understand that you want to keep your good relationship with your in laws - and it takes a lot of work and space. Its equally important to keep your relationship with your wife in a good space. That doesn't always mean one of you has to give in. In a good relationship both partners compromise if they don't want the same thing.

If you decide to go ahead with the move into your in laws home, have an agreement with your wife and draw up a plan of where the money is to go and when before you move in. I have seen a few relationships where one partner decided that it was ok for them to spend here and there as they were cutting back on rent and it caused lots of resentment for the partner who felt they were giving up so much in the situation.

You would be saving a lot of money so I can see that as a plus side if it was all going to reduce the debt.


And my experiences may not be your experiences.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Pee

It seems like what your OH finds important, not wanting to leave the baby and go back to work, is treated as important by you, but your emotional concerns are not being listened to...

It is a generous offer and with ground rules depending on the sort of people they are, it could work BUT I would really think about how your OH changes when her parents are around. Maybe she doesn't, but I, and most people I know, feel we are different when our parents are around. It is something I am trying to change, but I am mostly mature and sensible yet I can bicker with my mum in a most silly and childish way that my boyfriend or work colleagues would think "That's not even the woman we know!"

More importantly, when would you move out. If it was all so nice and easy for everyone concerned, you may never have your own house.

Mojisola

fantastiyk wrote: »

I know you can set ground rules but technically it is their house so if they don't like your ground rules will they stick to them?

I don't think the son-in-law and daughter can set ground rules about the house - they're going to be living in someone else's home!

It has to be a joint discussion with the young family as the "junior partners" in the deal. That's the way we looked at it. We were very grateful for the benefits we were getting and respectful of my PIL's space.

They were equally respectful of how we were bringing up their grandchildren. I suppose that's one area I would have brought up if they had tried to tell us what to do.

iolanthe07

We currently rent £550 a month for a 2 bedroom house, albeit a little small but it works for us! and its a safe and friendly neighbourhood!

Although your in-laws' offer is very generous, I would think twice about this. £550 sounds a low rent for a good 2 bedroom house in a nice neighbourhood - are you sure you could get such a good deal again? And it might be best to put the £650 to one side for when you'll need to find a deposit again; otherwise this stay with your in-laws could prove to be more protracted than any of you really want. Good luck anyway with whatever you do.

cte1111

I would do everything I could to cut back or make money in other ways rather than move in with my in laws. If it's really the only way you can pay off your debts, then good luck, I hope it works out for you all.

As others have suggested, do a statement of affairs and see if there are other ways that you can reduce your outgoings in order to pay back the debt a bit sooner.

Bigmoney2

tomm88 wrote: »

Hi all,


Does anybody have any thoughts or advice, I have tried suggesting my wife goes back to work full time after her maternity as we do have the grandparents who are happy to childmind.However she is not happy with this and would struggle herself leaving our baby. Therefore, the only option we have is to move into her parents or for us to keep sailing as we are with very little to spend ourselves.

Thank you.

At the risk of sounding harsh, it does sound like your wife wants it all her way.

Many women have to work after having children, and I would imagine that most find it hard and would rather be at home.

Could she go back part time, even for a bit to see if she gets used to it, say a 3 month trial, would seem a fair compromise to me.
She also has a responsibility to provide for the family rather than running back home when the going gets a bit tough (sorry if this seems harsh).

You dont say how much you both earn, but are you claiming everything you could CTC/WTC.

As previous posters have said, be careful about giving up a nice home at a reasonable rent, it might be hard to find again.
I too would suggest a SOA to see if you can cut outgoings.

I would try everything you can to retain your families independance.

fantastiyk

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't think the son-in-law and daughter can set ground rules about the house - they're going to be living in someone else's home!

Hi Mojisola,
I think there has been some misunderstanding:

I was referring to the quote by yourself and hey boots above which said "lay out some ground rules between you" and my point was they can set out ground rules but it is their in laws house.