Moving to parents WITH a baby?

tomm88

Hi all,

I'm new here and just need a bit of advice really. Me and my wife foolishly racked up 8,000 in debt on credit cards.

Whilst we're not struggling to pay them off (yet), we are aware that to pay them off it will take a long long time. We have been offered to move back to my Mrs parents house for a while to clear a chunk of these debts.

However, im struggling emotionally as we have a 6month old baby and i feel that if we do this I wont be able to bond as well with him. It's hard enough going to work and only getting quality time on a weekend, but to think that when I have that quality time the in-laws will always be present worries me. I'm also sad at the prospect our first christmas wouldn't be our family christmas. It may all seem trivial but emotionally im finding this difficult.

The in laws have offered the entire upstairs of their house to be ours while we stay. But it would mean we could pay off nearly £1000 a month off the cards..I was thinking about doing it after christmas so that i can enjoy his first year as a proper family and a first christmas.

Does anybody have any thoughts or advice, I have tried suggesting my wife goes back to work full time after her maternity as we do have the grandparents who are happy to childmind.However she is not happy with this and would struggle herself leaving our baby. Therefore, the only option we have is to move into her parents or for us to keep sailing as we are with very little to spend ourselves.

Thank you.

savingmummy

To be completely honest i would grab this offer.
Such a kind thing for them to do for you and it will help you become debtfree quicker.

Regarding bonding with your son that wont be comprimised at all PLUS you can go out and take him to the park and generally soend good quality time with him away from `home`, surestart centres do free sessions round here on a saturday for dads only .
Christmas will be lovely with the family i have 2 children 6 and 4 and we`ve never had a christmas on our own as it really is special to be with family.
The good thing is your child is still very young, Just think next christmas he will be old enough to enjoy it with you debtfree

IF your really worried i would maybe talk with them if you feel you can, i`m sure once they know your concerns they will reassure you OR set up a plan ie, they leave you to it at weekends and help during week etc.

dreamsicle

I agree, it’s very generous and I think it is something you should seriously consider, as once you’re debt free you can concentrate on building a better life for your family. It will also take a bit of pressure off your wife – if she obviously doesn’t want to leave your little one to go back to work, it will be one less thing to worry about.

I know you want your sons first Christmas to be perfect, but chances are he’ll be too young to remember it, so I think that’s something you want for yourself more than for him? It will be the subsequent Christmases he’ll remember and if you’re debt free by then you can spend them anyway you want.

As savingmummy said, if you want alone time with your little one you could always -take him out. Alternatively you could use a little of the money you save by living with the in-laws to send them out for the odd night – cinema, meal etc… as a thank you and to get them out of your hair for a bit. Good luck whatever you choose.

unimaginative_user_name

I agree with dreamsickle. Your little one's second or even third Christmas will probably be more special as he'll understand a bit more in the build up and remember it.

Obviously it also depends on your relationship with your inlaws but if you are going to have your own space that's great.

tomm88

Yeah, it does make perfect sense, I think it's just getting my head around it. I'm very much an independent person and hate "too much company too often".

it is a very generous offer, im just a bit concerned that it will become awkward ive a lovely relationship with the in laws but I'm also worried that spending all this time with them will ruin the relationship. Oh dear. I have to take the bull by the horns though I suppose and there is only one way to get rid of the debt, and to be able to pay that much off a month would just be amazing!...

Tixy

Well certainly pros and cons to the idea - but its a generous offer.

Before you decide I would try to work out how long it will take you to clear the debts if you continue as you are (the best way to do this would be to complete a statement of affairs to see how much you can pay to the debts each month - and the to feed that into the snowball calculator).
If you could clear them in a couple of years by continuing to rent and living fairly frugally you might feel like sticking it out. If the snowball suggests its going to take say 5 years+ then I think I would probably feel it was worthwhile to spend 6months to a year with them and get all your debts cleared.

Talk to them about your concerns - to be honest they probably have some reservations as well about how much time they'll get just to the 2 of them. Maybe try to agree some boundaries before you move in. Does the entire upstairs mean you will be able to have a seperate living room? If so that should make things much easier.

The statement of affairs calculator and snowball calculator are here - http://www.makesenseofcards.com/soacalc.html

LannieDuck

I've got a 9mo, and I'm not expecting her to understand what Christmas is this year. I think next year will be much more important.

I can understand your reluctance to move in with the ILs - it'll probably be awkward and restrictive for a short while, but at least you've got an end point to work towards - its not forever. I would grit my teeth and do it, fully prepared that I was going to have to be cordial and polite for the next 8 months :P But after that, you can go back to normal, debt-free!

Another upside is that your wife would have help with the baby while you're at work. It might make a big difference to her.

As an alternative, could you live with them until November, then in December move out to your own place? You wouldn't have paid off the debt completely, but you should have saved about £4k towards it.

Edit: Just wondering - what would happen to your house while you were with the ILs - do you rent? If so, would you be able to find another place on a reasonable rent when you wanted to move back out? If you have a mortgage, would moving in with the ILs really help that much?

heyboots

we had to move in with my parents for 6 weeks after we sold out old house and before we got into the new one. our son was 2, we had to spend xmas there.

I'm not going to lie, it was hard, i like my own company a lot too and the constant company was difficult.

If I was to do it again (and in your position I would grab it with both hands!) i'd do the following

Lay out some ground rules between you, if it was me I would say this is so you know you arent imposing on them more than you have to) regarding eating together, time together, babysitting, contribution towards food/electricity etc.

I'd explain my concerns regarding your son (honestly he'll sleep half xmas day anyway and it might be a damp squib, you are probably idealising it a little, although I understand why) so that they know its a concern for you and back off and dont think they are helping by looking after him too much.

Your son will benefit far more from less stressed parents than from spending time alone with parents.

Plus I think its really healthy for kids to have multiple family influences, our kids benefit massively from having a lot of input/time with grandparents/aunties/cousins etc.

i hope it all works out whatver you decide but id be really wary of delaying till after xmas, you are placing a lot of pressure on xmas being idyllic and it rarely is, imagine how you'd feel if you struggled on and your baby got chickenpox, or was teething badly over xmas and you and your partner spent it in a daze of sleep deprivation and consoling your ill child? (sorry that sounds horrible but you get my drift hopefully) good luck!!!

savingmummy

tomm88 wrote: »

Yeah, it does make perfect sense, I think it's just getting my head around it. I'm very much an independent person and hate "too much company too often".

it is a very generous offer, im just a bit concerned that it will become awkward ive a lovely relationship with the in laws but I'm also worried that spending all this time with them will ruin the relationship. Oh dear. I have to take the bull by the horns though I suppose and there is only one way to get rid of the debt, and to be able to pay that much off a month would just be amazing!...

This will spur you on to throw what you can at it so your stay isnt for too long
Being independent and suddenly moving home with `mum and dad` is always a hard one, BUT it is for the best - i wish i could do this

tomm88

Thanks everybody for your advice.

I know that it is the right thing to do. I'm just placing silly boundaries in the way, but they are surely getting knocked down.

I know my little one won't be sleeping through Christmas day, he doesn't sleep in the day and (luckily) sleeps right through on an evening.I'm sure he will love it he loves flashing lights, so christmas will be lovely for him i'm sure. Anyway....that's just an example of silly things that I'm trying to come up with to convince myself..

We currently rent £550 a month for a 2 bedroom house, albeit a little small but it works for us! and its a safe and friendly neighbourhood!

luckily we can give 1 months notice and be out of there, and we would receive a £650 deposit back which we have discussed would be thrown straight onto the cards.

Mojisola

heyboots wrote: »

Lay out some ground rules between you, if it was me I would say this is so you know you arent imposing on them more than you have to) regarding eating together, time together, babysitting, contribution towards food/electricity etc.

I'd explain my concerns regarding your son (honestly he'll sleep half xmas day anyway and it might be a damp squib, you are probably idealising it a little, although I understand why) so that they know its a concern for you and back off and dont think they are helping by looking after him too much.

This is so important! Make sure everyone concerned has talked things through and you set up a way of bringing things up before they drive any of you mad or create resentment.

There may well be things you two do that will really annoy her parents. If they can't say so to you, it will spoil the good relationship you have now.

We lived with my PILs while our children were little. There were a lot of advantages for everyone concerned. Work at the relationships, save like crazy and set yourselves up for the future.

If things do go well and your PILs agree to you staying, I'd suggest paying off the debts and then staying for a few more months so that you leave with a rainy day fund in place.