what to do over my dad's death

lyn07

hi,
I am hoping that people can help me, my dear dad passed away on monday, we never asked if he had made a will or told him that he was dying, we tried to tell him that he would get better, because we thought that he could not cope with knowing that he was dying. Because of this reason we havent a clue if he wanted his items to go to certain people. We found out yesterday that there is no will. there are 3 of us, I am the eldest, my brother then my sister. my brother has taken charge of everything, everthing has to be decided by him.
We all met up yesterday to discuss the funeral and other things. Anyway, to cut a long story short.... with anything that got thought of, my brother had first call, then he asked my sister if she wanted the said item, if the pair of them did not want it, I was then asked, dont get me wrong I dont expect to be asked first all the time because I am the eldest...I just feel that I am only allowed to have what they do not want. What has made this worse is that my sister borrowed £3000 from my dad a few months ago for a new car. My dad did not have alot, and my brother has decided to not take this into consideration. I do not mind this, but they have been discussing and sorting out a lot of items behind my back......I do not have a clue what to do. We all have a key to my dads house, but I would not go up there without them. The 2 of them are meeting up there this weekend to take what they want, and I will be going during the week, after they have taken what they want. I did try to speak to my brother on the phone last night, but it just ended up in a row over 1 item, so I gave up. I don't know what to do. The reason before anyone asks is because he did not own his house, it is council, so we only have a couple of weeks to clear everything out.

heartbreak_star

Put it all in storage and speak to a solicitor.

HBS x

londonsurrey

It depends on how far you want to take it. Call CAB to discuss your rights. Take pictures of everything before they are dispersed.

BitterAndTwisted

Don't get into a row with your siblings over a few items of furniture or whatever. Insist on being included in the conversation when it's about precious family photographs or whatever.


If you want to get your own back just exclude yourself from being available to take whatever junk there is left to the dump or do any cleaning before the property is handed back.

The three grand lent for the car may have been a gift unless you were there when it was given and were party to whatever deal they came up with together. Otherwise you're just storing up a whole load of resentment and bad feeling so little or no reason. If you think both of your siblings are completely wrong here you can choose to distance yourself from them if it would give you peace of mind. I think I would consider it.

Pollycat

Sorry to hear about your Dad's death.

lyn07 wrote: »

there are 3 of us, I am the eldest, my brother then my sister. my brother has taken charge of everything, everthing has to be decided by him.

Only if you let it happen.

Take a look at this:
http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Death/Preparation/DG_10029802


There's an interesting bit part way down - Check who inherits if there is no will - it might be worth looking at that.

You could also phone The Probate and Inheritance Tax Helpline, telephone: 0845 302 0900. Lines are open 9.00 am to 5.00 pm Monday to Friday.

You might be able to get enough information to worry your selfish & inconsiderate brother and sister into not leaving you out.

Good luck, bad enough situation at the best of times without family being nasty and grasping.

NAR

Sorry for your loss OP.

Obviously personal items are what memories are attached to and I think you should tell your siblings this and that you are entitled to a fair share, not just what they don't want.

Has he left sufficient funds for his funeral? Is there much moneywise left in the estate to be divided up?

If there are insufficient funds for his funeral you could use this as a bargaining tool, if they expect you to pay your share of costs.

It's terrible that there is so much bickering amongst siblings following the death of a loved one. Hope you manage to get things sorted.

Tiddlywinks

I'm sorry to hear of you loss - it is so raw for all of you at the moment that emotions are bound to take over sometimes.

Decisions should be made equally between the three children.. about the funeral and his belongings. Would any of your dad's other family (siblings, cousins etc) want any keepsakes?

If things are already feeling strained how will you agree on funeral arrangements? Or paying for them?

Are there any items that you particularly want to keep? Some things that hold fond memories? Perhaps ask for those and explain why they are important to you... hopefully they will understand. At times like this it is hard to focus on what really matters - but I know from experience that in the long run it's not necessarily about actual value but about emotional value - photos and cheesy trinkets can mean more than diamond rings if they remind you of happy times.

Best wishes

geoffky

Stamp it out now otherwise this will cause a rift for years to come...Why is there always a tight/greedy one in a family?

troubleinparadise

Hello Lyn07,

I'm sorry to hear the sad news about your Dad, and now this not-unusual story about how to sort out what is left behind.

Please don't be bullied by them - because that is what they are doing.

The three of you are equals here - whatever the dynamic that has arisen between you over the years.

If you were to repeat back to them "Can I just check I've understood this: OK, so you, Bro, get the diamond watch, and you, Sis, get the diamond necklace, and I get the plastic bracelet from Woollies. Are we all agreed that is fair?" what response might you get? You could try that...

If you are happy to let them have the lion's share for some altruistic reasoning of your own, then great. But I'm getting the impression you don't feel this way. So what is stopping you from standing up to them, other than being shouted at? Yup, back to bullying tactics again....

It's not easy to stand up to a bully, but unless you are able to let that bubbling resentment disappear you'll pay the price for many years. So what if he gets cross - he's not more entitled than you, is he? Except in his own head.