'Confessing' your debt to your family

Fizog

I can't believe your OH's attitude, is he ashamed of not being up to standard with the rest of the family? As for your bumptious BIL I'd have bought him a gift along the vein of plant a tree to save the planet, or adopted a dog at Battersea. Of course OH's family are not going to be understanding as they think you're being tight which you are (but some people are incredibly thick even your hint of lets only spend £15). My family don't spend money on adults at all, (only children) we just get together without fail on Boxing day for a buffet and the children entertain us. We started this when my sister went through a financial blip and lost her house... I used to give her all my saved up tesco vouchers, which didn't cost me anything and helped them out... families should pull together I think your OH should tell MIL next time she tries to blackmail you into dinner out that you want to eat for the rest of the month and you can't do both, unless she wants to pay for you.... you won't be going. Maybe because the family don't know the full extent of your debt they can't imagine how tough it is..catch 22.

calleyw

olivetrees wrote: »

this has SO touched a nerve with me. Our families know that we are struggling financially but do not know exactly how much debt we are in. At Christmas we said - can we just get little presents and not spend more that £15 a person.

My family were great about it but my BIL was hideous - he refused and said he would spend watever he wanted - we said fine but you only get a £15 present back. He said that wasn't fair and asked us for a present that cost £40 - my OH said we had to get it for him!!!! So we spent more on him than anyone one else - including the children.

Sorry that has so made me :mad: :mad: I would then had said you are not going to get anything at all.

That is so rude to demand a certain amount was spent on me at christmas that is beyond selfish.

The only debt I have is my mortgage and for years me and husband spend about £10 at christmas on each other and about £5 on brithdays etc.

I buy all my presents through the year reduced or using boots vouchers earned etc.

I would stop buying presents for everyone else but the children and make it clear well in advance. And stick to it.

Some people are so selfish.

I always tell people I have all that I want and have my own money to buy what I want and don't want them to spend there hard earned money on me. And if I had friends who I knew where hard then I would say just send a card and nothing else.

It is the thought and not what it cost.

Oh some people need a very good slap.


Yours

Calley

girltuesday_2

We don't have kids, no - only 26 so plenty of time for that in the future!

I'm glad (if you see what I mean) that I'm not the only one who has problems with this! Though I'm really sorry to hear that some of you guys do too.

Poor OH has tried on so many occasions to make his family understand that we can't afford to do things with them - even without the debts they must know that being 15 years younger than his brothers he won't be earning the same as them - but he loves his parents (obviously!) so being emotionally blackmailed is hard to resist: "Oh, but if you're not there it won't be the same... it won't feel like my birthday... If you really think other things are more important to spend money on than time with your family [when our car had to be fixed so that OH could GET TO WORK!]... etc etc..."

immoral_angeluk

We've always been very open about our debt but our family and friends just let us get on with it and have never put tonnes of pressure on us for anything and if we've said we can't afford something they know we mean it.

Running_man

Emotional blackmail very difficult to deal with.Try this one on them "mum" know it wont be the same without us and I do feel guilty but surely you dont want me to get into debt for a meal/present etc.

Puts the ball in their court Emotional blackmail works both ways.

You could always invite them for tea cost only a couple of quid

Running_man

olivetrees wrote: »

this has SO touched a nerve with me. Our families know that we are struggling financially but do not know exactly how much debt we are in. At Christmas we said - can we just get little presents and not spend more that £15 a person.

My family were great about it but my BIL was hideous - he refused and said he would spend watever he wanted - we said fine but you only get a £15 present back. He said that wasn't fair and asked us for a present that cost £40 - my OH said we had to get it for him!!!! So we spent more on him than anyone one else - including the children.

Stuff the BIL
Sister and I dont buy for each other- agreed when kids get to 18 they also stop.
Dont buy for anyone now only parents and daughter.
NO its not being mean just sensible.

Why not tell all family you are going to do same explaining that they will have more money for their family OR never know what to buy etc etc Make the excuse if they dont like it tough.
Dont then fall into trap of weve got you something so feel got to buy back.If you dont they will soon get the message.

*zippy*

My family and OH's know we are in debt, but they do not know how much. My FIL asked my OH the other week how much we owed, but he ignored the question, they are quite well off and would be horrified and I know they would tell other family members. Them knowing we can't go out for meals, on holiday with them etc is enough and to be fair to them celebrations are always now held in one of our homes and if its us they bring loads of food to help out.