'Confessing' your debt to your family

girltuesday_2

I'm fairly open about being in debt - I don't go around telling strangers how much we owe (!) but our friends and my family know that OH and I have a lot of debt (mainly because they were around during the time that we both lost our jobs and saw our income drop by half while we temped and looked for new ones, and they can do the maths!). My family have been pretty understanding - won't let us pay anything when we go out, for example, and happily accept that Xmas presents etc will be just small tokens until we've cleared our debt. Ditto friends.

The only people who know nothing about our debts are OH's family - they are very anti people using credit cards etc, and OH's two brothers are much older and both comfortably off - also have been lucky enough never to lose their jobs, or have other money worries, so no sympathy for those who have!

OH has tried telling his parents and brothers on numerous occasions that we're skint and therefore can't afford to do meals out for birthdays etc etc, but his Mum then emotionally blackmails him until he agrees to us going. In the worst times of our debt, this meant paying for meals/outings/presents we couldn't afford on credit cards (which we then got criticised for!). Now it means we end up being short of cash the rest of the month because we have to budget for these things we can't realistically afford.

I think that the best solution would be to tell his family that we're in significant debt, and working hard to pay it back - most of it came from the employment problems, which they knew about, so I can't believe it'll be THAT much of a shock, though OH disagrees. I know they'll be really judgemental about it, but otherwise this situation will continue, and it's really causing problems - financial and between OH and I. OH really doesn't want to tell them though and of course I can't force him to.

Has anyone else been in this situation and could offer some advice?

[Sorry, just realised how long this is... Apologise for going on about it!]

itsarichmansworld

My family knew about our debt and again where very supportive but I wouldnt dare tell in laws as I know they would be great about it but I would be ashamed...

my sil Is very competitive very much keeps up with the jones' so I would have nothing but judgement and glee from her

Skint_Catt

My parents know about 'some' of my debt as it's a car loan, but the rest they have no idea about. Mum especially is VERY judgmental and wouldn't understand (even though she's in debt herself!!!) I'm working hard to clear it so it's better they don't know (Dad's retired and mum's part-time).

Could you budget for some of them and make excuses for others? Kids ill, car in garage etc etc???

Catt xx

Donedoingdebt

Why do people have to feel ashamed of their debts? There are far worse things you could have done in your lives. It's only money & you're doing the honourable thing by facing up to it & trying to pay it off. Anyone who's interested (& there's not many!) know I'm in debt & that's why I can't do X, Y, or Z. If people choose to be judgemental, let them get on with it. I doubt they've been perfect all their lives.

golddigger_3

Neither of our parents know how much sticky stuff we are in. They know things have been very tight at times - especially when our investment property was burgled , our tenants did a runner and then we made a loss on the sale.
But, they have no idea just how much is involved. I wouldn't dream of telling them either - its really none of their business.

I understand about going out for family meals etc, but we do like catt suggested - make excuses when we really can't afford it. We just say wea re working (we have part time jobsas well as full time), the kids are doing school plays or the car is off the road!

Occasionally gift tokens have got 'lost in the post', but can't use that one too often!

Other peoples attitudes, especially comfortably off and lucky relatives are never going to understand and will naturally sit on their high horse - bu - you never know what's round the corner. You might get a great job offer and they might be made redundant!

Don't spend to pander to them.

in_debt_again_but_dealing_with_it

I so agree done doing debt, my 60 year old auntie died recently, not directly because of her debt but it definately contributed!! Her significant debt had just been discovered prior to her depression/illness and finally cdif claimed her. Family judgemental but angers me cause how can you put a price on life?? My debt is my secret (only mse know) but that is my choice and I'm dealing with it, if anyone asked me directly I wouldn't lie but I choose not to volunteer the information!!

mioliere

I don't know if you have children but, if you do, I would tell the OH's family that you don't want your children to think that money grows on trees or to end up in debt and that being economical is setting them a good example. You could also play the 'global warming' card - after all, the Government does it all the time - and say that you think society is too materialistic and you are genuinely trying to cut down on waste and that spending all the time on luxuries is not helping the planet. Also, if you direct them to MSE they will see how many of us are trying to save money and, after clearing debts, working hard to stay debt-free. Finding this site is one of the best things I have ever done and I have become very proud and quite boastful of how much I save from even the basic things like using up leftovers. For all you know, despite how well-off they appear, a lot of it might well be on credit anyway!

olivetrees

this has SO touched a nerve with me. Our families know that we are struggling financially but do not know exactly how much debt we are in. At Christmas we said - can we just get little presents and not spend more that £15 a person.

My family were great about it but my BIL was hideous - he refused and said he would spend watever he wanted - we said fine but you only get a £15 present back. He said that wasn't fair and asked us for a present that cost £40 - my OH said we had to get it for him!!!! So we spent more on him than anyone one else - including the children.

Anyway - sorry - I didn't mean to highjack your post but it really annoys me when family should be there for you and aren't.

I can only suggest that you tell your in laws - although this is easier said than done. Do you have a DFD? if so, you could say 'we can't do xxx now but in xxxx we'll treat you to something special as a thank you for being so understanding - emotionally blackmail them for a change!!!

SunderlandBlackCat

I'm completely open about my debts & I fully sympathise about families that won't listen a I'm part of one.

Once when my family were arranging a meal out & I said I couldn't go as I needed to pay my credit card bill I was accused of flat out lying as "You've always been good with money so you're either being antisocial or tightfisted"

I've also had arguments when I've given in & gone to the meal but but got something cheap then the "freeloaders" have ordered loads of wine & extras that I didn't want & couldn't afford even if I had wanted them. :mad:

sony_eric

hi im in alot of debt about £50k
but i feel i cant tell my wife because im sure she would leave me.

fabianne

My parents know about my debt but I won't disclose figures as they would worry.
My Mum keeps talking to me about it and asking what I am doing about it(in a nice way)I have discussed my options with her including bankruptcy-at first she freaked and now see's it as a last resort.She is excellent with money and budgeting and I have seen her juggle and struggle when we were kids-so she understands.
She turns up here with 'treats' for us all and the other week with bags of groceries for us(she told me they were all on a 2 for 1-but I know different!!)-she also gives the kids spending money and helps out as much as possible.
She wasn't happy that I bought her a Mother's Day pressie (cost=£8)-but I wanted show how much we appreciate her.