Sibling rivalry - please help!!

Tea-and-Cake_3

I have a 2 year old and 4 year old (DD's) and they cannot play together without one of them hurting the other one. For example today, the older one was on the trampoline and when the little one climbed on she sat on her back, later during another game the little one got hit in the face with a plastic toy. They are both as bad as each other for winding the other one up and both as likely to be the one to have hit, pulled hair, pushed etc.

I spend my days intervening and punishing (time out's, removal of toy, threaten with no story/outing/tv etc). They won't stay away from each other, I tell the older one to go and play in her room but she refuses, they both will stay wherever I am and want the exact toy they other one has at that time.

I am expecting another baby any day now and I am so concerned about this awful behaviour. The baby will not get a single peaceful feed as I am constantly trying to sort this out.

Please help...surely this can't go on?

Mojisola

Tea-and-Cake wrote: »

I have a 2 year old and 4 year old (DD's)

I tell the older one to go and play in her room but she refuses

She's 4 years old and you're a grown-up! Make her!

Sort this out now or you'll be at their mercy - see what could happen by the time they're teenagers -
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4048859

WestonDave

The bad news is it can go on, and probably to a lesser or greater extent will! Neither of them are really old enough to fully get the concept of being generous and letting the other one have something that they want - whether that's a toy or your company. The younger one will struggle with reasoning full stop at 2 so threats of no outing etc may not mean very much.

Sending the older one off away from you whilst the younger one stays in the room with you isn't going to be attractive to a 4 year old. You'd stand a better chance if it were one in the lounge, on in the bedroom and you in the kitchen getting on with something.

We had a system with our two (same age gap but boys) which grew out of lunchtime naps, whereby after lunch we had a quiet/rest time. If they didn't want to sleep that was their choice (once they were old enough to cope without) but one was in the lounge and the other in the bedroom and were expected to amuse themselves quietly. (We rotated rooms so that they took it in turns to be in the lounge). That way neither was the one always being sent away.

Any toy that was used to hit the other got confiscated, and when they were a bit older and still persisted in this sort of thing (which they still do at 7 and 5 from time to time when overtired etc) I have been known to sit one in one corner of the kitchen, the other in the opposite corner and let them sit their until they decided that playing together was better than sitting watching me clean the kitchen etc.

The good news is that in a few weeks the older one will be at school so 5/7ths of the problem will disappear and even then at the weekends etc they'll have been apart so will probably play better together having not been on top of each other all day every day. You should then get some peace until the baby is old enough to be a "threat" in a year or so's time!.

Tea-and-Cake_3

Thank you for your post westondave, it does help to hear from someone who has (and is) going through this sort of thing. I always thought (stupidly) that having a same sex sibling so close in age would have been like having a friend at home, someone to play with all the time, instead they are happier apart

Mojisola

Tea-and-Cake wrote: »

Thank you for your post westondave, it does help to hear from someone who has (and is) going through this sort of thing. I always thought (stupidly) that having a same sex sibling so close in age would have been like having a friend at home, someone to play with all the time, instead they are happier apart

You're certainly not alone! Don't feel that.

It's still important to do things to reduce the problems now. The sooner it's dealt with, the easier it is - although it might not feel it at the time.

It is really important to reinforce good behaviour. It's easy to slip into a routine of just being grateful when they're well-behaved and only commenting on it when it's bad.

WestonDave

You'll be surprised - at the moment they look like they hate each other - I reckon on day two of school the novelty of being home alone without the older one to play with will have seriously worn off. Our two go through phases of annoying the hell out of each other but as they've got older they've learned to play together rather than compete as much - partly because they are both at school so see relatively little of each other. There is an age thing - at 2 its still snatch and grab, by the time the younger one is 4, they'll probably mostly play OK together (and gang up on the little one who will be wrecking their game - but that's a whole other ball game!)

pinkshoes

How about some sort of visual chart, where they get a black mark for every argument either one of them starts, which results in loss of treats/pocket money.

Kids need to be able to see what they're not going to get! My mum used one, and it worked well. It went from big reward (cinema) right down to punishment (I had to clean the car hub caps with a tooth brush!).

pinkclouds

Tea-and-Cake wrote: »

Please help...surely this can't go on?

Of course it won't go on forever! Your 2nd child is only 2 years old!

I have a 3 and a nearly 5 year old. They do play together nicely some of the time but my toddler is still quite young and they do have little "incidents".

Things will be better in another year and much calmer in a couple of years' time. I know that doesn't help right now but rest assured many of us are in the same boat! Dig the playpen out (or buy one) and keep up the talking, reiterating, etc. The "sharing" toys thing is tough until around 4-5 years old, if it's a "special" toy. The winding up of siblings is par for the course. Eventually they learn how far they can go and stop pushing the boundary - especially if the sibling hits back. Your kids sound quite normal. The baby will adapt. Younger siblings are born never missing a larger share of mommy's attention. It's actually harder on the eldest child. But all kids adapt regardless. Plus baby will have 2 little entertainers to keep them amused - you won't need any new toys!