Counselling/therapy?

JS123_2

Hi,

Long time lurker here, have de-lurked as I have a bit of a conundrum and have seen some very useful advice given on this forum.

I'm generally having a tough time of things at the moment - For background, I'm 29. I have an ok job, but not the job I want - having worked my backside off for years and finally gotten the specific job I want, the recession hit, jobs disappeared, and I'm now struggling to get anywhere near back where I was. So for now, the job is just paying the bills, thoroughly unchallenging and boring.

On a personal level, one of my siblings died 4 years ago - sudden and unexpected. A few months ago my father died - again, very sudden and unexpected. I think I'm struggling with this. My elderly grandfather isn't expected to last much longer, my mother is currently in reasonable health considering she's on various medications for non-lifethreatening conditions, although has just been called for an invasive test for an abnormal bowel cancer screening result. A bit worrying, to say the least.

I'm generally trying to deal with grief I suppose, alongside all the mundane things everyone has to deal with - job disatisfaction etc. I want to see a future with the house, kids, marriage etc but seem to be moving no closer to it. I also have aspirations for travel, but due to expense, job commitments etc, am not able to do anything. I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point so I'm hardly special!

I feel kind of stuck - I can't move forward, I'm unhappy where I am, and I genuinely don't have a clue how to start improving things! So I just bury it and get on with everything and tell myself it's all fine. Which it genuinely feels like it is, until I have a mini-breakdown (spent last night crying on my OH when he asked innocently how I was)... then I sort myself out, tell myself it's all fine... and on we go.

I am lucky in that I have a lovely partner who is trying to be supportive but honestly, he's not sure how he can help, and I'm not sure how he can either! He has previously had counselling after he had cancer a few years back (all clear now thankfully!) and found it helpful in learning to cope with anxiety etc afterwards. He has suggested something similar may help me now.

I've always dismissed the idea of counselling - sounds stupid but it's just not the way my family has ever dealt with anything. We're all quite introverted, don't talk about stuff much - we do to each other, but not in public if you see what I mean. We have a bit of a 'stiff upper lip' attitude to life.

I'm not sure that talking to a counsellor/therapist is of any use, as I'm not sure what I would get out of it - I can't change that my dad and sibling died, I'm trying to find a new job but the job market is limited at the moment... I'm not in denial about things, I think I'm actually (most of the time) coping well and going to work, doing my job well, catching up with friends and not isolating myself, etc. I'm not clincially depressed, just feel like life is going nowhere....

The point of my post:
Has anyone experience counselling who may be able to tell me more about the process and whether it may be useful to me at all? My partner is adamant it could help, and is frustrated that I'm reluctant to try it as he thinks I'm being stubborn and obstructive. He also thinks it's worth it as at the very least he might get some coping strategies for how he can help me, even if it doesn't help me directly.

Sorry for the stupidly long post - I'm not even sure how much sense this all makes or whether I've explained myself properly! If anyone can offer an insight or advice I would appreciate it, however. Happy to clarify anything if the above is all non-sensical...!

Thanks xxx

HeadAboveWater

Good for you for posting. You will get a lot of support on here

I would definitely recommend seeing a counsellor. I was signed off work last year due to WRS, and my Doctor asked if I wanted to speak to someone. I was more than happy. The guy was actually a hypnotherapist :eek: Yes we dealt with my work issues, but also talked about my ex, and my dad having been unwell. I had 7 sessions in total and it completely changed my way of thinking.

If you do go and see someone, I've got one word for you: talk You're there to get help but if you don't talk, they can't help. Don't be embarrassed. Don't be shy. They aren't there to judge. I actually found it really easy to pour my heart out to a stranger. I knew I was there to get help so I made the most of my sessions and blabbed everything! My family are close but we don't 'talk' enough. That didn't stop me!!

Do try it out, for his sake as well as your own. You do need help in some form or another. This may or may not work. But until you try you won't know.

Debt_Free_Chick

Definitely give it a go. I didn't until my late forties and then wished I done it in my twenties, so that I would have had the chance to use what I'd learned.

Counselling is all about self-discovery and self-awareness. It's about giving you the skills & tools to help you realise who you are.

So much in your post resonates with me. Do, please, give it a go. You have nothing to lose.

If you're in East Sussex, I can recommend an excellent counsellor in Bexhill

JS123_2

kathy_virginvie and Debt Free Chick, thank you both for your replies!

I have to say after posting I felt a bit silly - and a bit 'woe is me' - after all it's not like I have the worlds worst problems and there are people out there going through so much worse - count your blessings as my mum would say!! So was feeling a bit like a spoilt brat and expecting a fair few replies giving me a bit of a kick up the a** which I probably deserve to an extent!

I am a bit surprised at the wholehearted support for trying counselling as I really have always thought of it as for people who need help actually dealing with something more concrete - i.e. who are really emotionally struggling to the point of not getting on with daily life, have gone through something truly traumatic, for people who have behaviour issues and need coping mechanisms etc - not for me who is just a bit lost and dissatisfied.

I'll have another chat with the OH tonight. I know he really wants me to give it a go and thinks it might be beneficial to him to know how he can help me too, so I think even if I wasn't convinced I probably owe it to him to try. Definitely would be good to know more about how I might be able to get the most out of it.

Debt Free Chick, I'm based in London at the moment, but can happily travel if it's worth it!

ognum

I will try to help a bit, I volunteer for CRUSE the bereavement charity. All the volunteers have a long and In depth training and everything you say as with other counsellers is confidential.
We work with clients on a one to one basis in the privacy of their homes, this is their own environment and a place they feel relaxed but we would see people elsewhere if it was impossible to have privacy in their home.
We see our clients for one hour a week at a time that is mutually convenient, there is no limit to the number of sessions as long as they are useful.
We are trained to listen, not in the way of a conversation but to really listen and prompt our clients with questioning into self understanding, I know as I write this it sound s bizarre but the hour can be quite intense with clients coming to an understanding of the relationships they have lost, coming to terms with the way things are or were and thinking about the future.
Many clients find a great understanding and peace and most say they do not understand how the sessions work but they do. It is useful to do this with someone you don't know or have a previous relationship with.
I hope this helps, do google CRUSE there may well be a waiting list in your area but phone the helpline, when your name is at the top of the list you can decide then if you want to go ahead or not.
The service is free and has helped many people.

HeadAboveWater

Don't be silly! You're not being silly!! lol :rotfl:

Pick 10 random people. Give them the same scenario (work/family/money/whatever), and you will get 10 different reactions. Just because something is trivial to one person, doesn't mean it's trivial to everyone else. Don't think that your problems are insignificant. If they matter to you, then they're important. Always remember that

It's fantastic your OH is being supportive Will make things so much easier for you having him beside you along the way.

JS123_2

Thanks Ognum, that's really interesting and useful. The part about people finding counselling helpful although not able to say why it works is intriguing - maybe that ties in to why I can't see why it should help me? But good to know that it does work. I'll have a look at CRUSE now. x

j.e.j.

JS123 wrote: »

The point of my post:
Has anyone experience counselling who may be able to tell me more about the process and whether it may be useful to me at all?

Counselling is not necessarily sitting on a couch and pouring your thoughts, feelings and life story out to a 'therapist' while they feign interest and say 'and how did that make you feel?' every few minutes..:rotfl:

In recent years cognitive behaviour therapy has become widely used and recognised, because for many people it really helps them to gain some control back over their lives and learn to think in a different way. Many GP practices have a counsellor, or if not they might agree to refer you on to one, though there may be a waiting list.

I'd say going thru the GP/nhs is the safest bet, because if you look around privately you kind of don't know who you're getting. Just my opinion.

bright_side

I didn't see anything 'woe is me' about your post JS123! I am a 'talker' if you know what I mean, I'll tell anyone who appears to be listening about my life experiences (poor souls!), but there is nothing like sitting down with a counsellor and REALLY letting it all out. They're not there to judge, critiscize, try to jolly you up or 'expect' your feelings on things to be the same as theirs. They simply listen and let you work through things in your mind. I saw a counsellor for many years and the best sessions were the ones where she barely talked. There would be lots of silences, but it was during those silences that I reached places in my mind that wouldn't normally surface and then I was able to get things straighter in my head. It completely changed my life - not that my life is now perfect, but I have a much better understanding of myself and therefore better coping strategies.

You have nothing to lose from trying counselling, but there is so much to gain. Give it a go

whitewing

My sister and I have never really got on that well. One day I remarked to my husband that she seemed a bit easier to rub along with.

We found out years later that she'd had 6 months of counselling just before that time. Nothing to do with her and my relationship but some things seem to have spilled over to all her relationships.

I don't particulary see counselling as a 'you aren't coping well', more of a 'lots of things have happened lately, let's just check that I'm prioritising the things I want to, that I am remembering the bits I want and acknowledging the painful stuff and being as healthy as I can about things'.

Counsellors have counselling. It's just a way of reflecting and learning as far as I know, but maybe a little quicker than you could perhaps do by yourself. (I haven't had any yet but I am on a list somewhere).

rainbow81

Hello!

I have recently started counselling (2 sessions) and already I've had so many epiphanies about the way I deal with reationships and life experiences.

I daresay what the issues turn out to be are often very far from the reason you first decide to go to someone, but as someone who doesn't really 'do' talking, I have found it enormously helpful

I looked up my local counselling centre online and actually got together with my counsellor due to my availability but it turned out we agree on counselling approaches.

There are lots of types which I recommend you look into to see which might appeal to you. (I didn't want cognitive behavioural therapy so I didn't even try the NHS.) The MIND website has a good summary of counselling approaches.