So confused and worried I might be right!

teabag29

Ok bear with me this is a long one.

Married ex partner 15 years ago, split up when he shook our baby son and nearly killed him. He was just 6 mths old and suffered hydrocephalus and it was touch and go for a long time but after 9 mths in hospital he had his shunt removed and is now a normal lad.

My dd however is having lots of problems. She is 1.5 years older than son and has learning and behaviour problems. she has just been diagnosed with pda which is related to autism and she is functioning educationally and emotionally age 6-7.

At present she is undergoing statutory assessment and so had to have another ep report. This has come back as did the last that her memory is very poor as is every thing else tested (mostly 0.2nd centile). The one thing that has triggered the most concern by the ep however is her very poor visual memory.

Ok here come's my worry. When ds was shaken by that w***er I was asked if i'd ever seen him shake ds before as they thought it may have happened more than once. They also asked me if he ever shook dd when she was a baby to which i replied no not as im aware. Hwever I did get a flashback of a night when dd woke up for a feed (she was about 6 weeks old) and her dad stayed with her whilst I went downstairs to warm up her bottle, when I came up he was holding her infront of him at arms length and she wasn't crying anymore,something didnt sit right and i questioned him at the time over and over and he said he was just playing with her to get her to stop crying. I explained this to the doctors when ds was shaken and they attempted to scan dd to check she hadnt been shaken as a baby too, however dd was very hyper and wouldn't go under the anaesthetic. They said to give her more would be dangerous and so she was never scanned.

I've done a little research on the net tonight to see what causes poor visual memory and i've found a few sites that say it can happen after a brain injury or trauma. Now my mind is working overdrive wondering if he did shake her too and thats whats caused her poor memory problems and learning disabilities.

How would I go about trying to get her a brain scan now (she is 13) to see if she has suffered damage? she is still a very poor sleeper and hyper though so dont know if the anaesthetic would work any better this time

rogerblack

teabag29 wrote: »

How would I go about trying to get her a brain scan now (she is 13) to see if she has suffered damage? she is still a very poor sleeper and hyper though so dont know if the anaesthetic would work any better this time

I question why this would be of use?
Unless it's to support a prosecution, it seems unlikely that after such a time there would be any different treatment, whatever the original cause.

I note that I have _extremely_ poor visual memory, and was not shaken as a child.

McKneff

To be honest, if a baby was crying and someone shook them as you seem to think he did, the baby would be screaming even louder.

teabag29

McKneff wrote: »

To be honest, if a baby was crying and someone shook them as you seem to think he did, the baby would be screaming even louder.

Quite the opposite, when he shook my son my he stopped crying as is often the case with baby shaking, apart from the damage it can cause it shocks the baby and so they stop crying. The doctors said they felt my son had been shaken by him on more than 1 occasion and that he may have used this as a means to get him to be quiet because it would have shocked him into stop crying

mynameistallulah

rogerblack wrote: »

I question why this would be of use?
Unless it's to support a prosecution, it seems unlikely that after such a time there would be any different treatment, whatever the original cause.

I wholly agree with this. Plus if the OP is thinking it could go down a legal path, I would be amazed if the CPS would prosecute now - there were two people that had the means to shake her, and nothing definitive to prove whom it was.

teabag29

Not for a legal purpose, its far too late now but to see if she does have any form of damage and to get some answers, it may answer some questions or rule out others and if he has caused her damage to her brain i'd obviously like to know

mynameistallulah

teabag29 wrote: »

Not for a legal purpose, its far too late now but to see if she does have any form of damage and to get some answers, it may answer some questions or rule out others and if he has caused her damage to her brain i'd obviously like to know

But unless you get him to admit it, you will never know. You could be opening one almighty bag of worms here, you really need to think this through. What happens if he comes back and says it was you?

McKneff

Even if he had shook baby, it doesnt necessarily mean that baby has been damaged. Even if he had, it probably wouldnt even occur to him at the time so it wouldnt be in his head now.

Time to move on and stop clutching at straws, what would it do for you in the long run.

sheeps68

First of all well done on getting through the huge issues of the past.
In many ways I agree with advice of dont dig as its not likely to change things for your daughter. However it seems to me your concern is if your daughter was also shaken would it change her support or treatment now. Perhaps that is what you should be asking if a scan now would change anything. If not I'd think the risks of the scan would out weigh anything else. Its a tough one as you will always have that question in your mind but you've moved on so much with everything else you can do this too.