Bad situation- would appreciate thoughts and advice please.

swingaloo

I have a friend who have found himself in a terrible situation and dont really know how to help so I am looking for advice. Its quite a story so will give some background first.


He is divorced and has 2 sons who spend alternate weekends at his home.

His new partner is divorced and has 2 sons who both have learning difficulties. The elder one lives with his dad (who is more interested in alcohol than anything else). Because both children have learning difficulites both the parents recieve quite a lot of benefits and they have agreed to have one child living with each of them and for some time this has worked. They have joint custody of both sons.

6 months ago she and her son moved out of thier housing association property and into my friends house.

Now the problem-

Her sons father has been having the younger son on alternate weekends. Last weekend he refused to bring him back saying he didnt want to come home. When pressed (as the taxi to pick him up for school arrives at 7.30am in the morning) he got stroppy and said that he wasnt bringing him back again.
The reason he gave was that the child had told him that he was being bullied by one of my friends sons. He had never said anything to his mum and they are certain that this is a tactic he is using to get the son to stay with him.

On the Monday morning he took the child to school and told them his son could not stay as 'he was traumatised due to being bullkied not only by his ex wifes partners son but also by his ex wifes new partner.
The mother at this point went to a solicitor who advised her to stay away from him and let things cool. She has applied for legal aid as she wants to fight for full custody but because she lives with my friend as a couple doubts she will get it and cant afford to fight the custody thing without it.

He then informed social services of the same thing. Today it got worse as my friend got a letter from a solicitor accusing him of abusing the child.

He is devastated, he cant believe the child is saying any of the things he is being accused of and is out of his mind with worry.

The mum feels her ex is putting the child up to it all beacuse horrible as it sounds the child comes with a lot of benefit money and she feels that this is what he really wants.

Now my friend is in an awful position, he is worried to death as to what will happen. He is also frightened that if things calm down and the child retuns to them he will be living on a timebomb. He dosnt know what to do. the allegations are totally unfounded but its a stain on his name and he has his own 2 sons to consider the effect on as well.

Hes also self employed and not getting much work at the moment so cant afford to get embroiled in a lot of legal fees.

He really dosnt know which way to turn and Im at a loss as to what to say to help.
Any advice appreciated, thank you.

Seanymph

It is very easy to blame the ex for 'putting the child up' to things, and to be angry with an ex.

It may be that the child is saying these things.

My ex has accused me of making stuff up because our children wouldn't say it directly to him - that doesn't mean I invented it, just that they didn't want to confront him directly themselves.

This ex may be driven by wanting the best for his child. I admire him for taking custody of one child, and going for custody of the other, especially if they have difficulties.

Your friend needs to stay out of it as much as possible. Appraise HIS ex of the situation, reassure her, and encourage his partner not to blame her ex, but to work towards a happy resolution for the child.

It's a terrible situation to be in though.

brunettegirl

Citizens advice should be able to help and also

http://www.cafcass.gov.uk/default.aspx

have a lot of information too

swingaloo

Thank you for the reply and yes I don know that its not always as it seems, I have been on the recieving end of an bitter ex and also been an ex.

However in this case the child is now in the care of an alcoholic who has not done his best by the child he already has in his care. That child is now 16 and has told his mum that he is now making plans to move out as he cannot stand being with his dad and is shortly moving in with a friend- hence the need for the other childs benefits which would come with him.

In this case what Im really looking for is some advice for my friend who is in a terrible mess and is a thoroughly nice guy who does not deserve this.

BitterAndTwisted

The child has learning-difficulties so I find it hard to accept that all of what they say will be taken completely at face-value, so they should stop worrying themselves sick about that part of it. That doesn't mean that enquiries won't be made, because they should.

If one parent is determined to use their child as a benefits cash-cow there's not really much anyone can do about it, if there's no concrete evidence that this is what is really going on. Unless the novelty wears off and they don't have the patience for all of the challenges caring for such a child full-time might present.

ETA: IF this bloke really is an alcohol-abuser and this renders him unable to take proper care of his children, why does he have either of them in his custody? If there's battle for benefits to be fought, this is the one I'd be choosing to fight. Why hasn't this been addressed before if he's so unsuitable?

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

CAFCASS will do a Safeguarding Check. If they are made aware of those circumstances, they can recommend that hair sample analysis and liver function tests are performed - the judge can order this.

If that shows up any abnormalities, it will straight away add a further degree of weight to the other parent's case for his return.

clearingout

are you asking if there is anything you can do for your friend?

If you are, I'm pretty sure there will be nothing you can do, other than stand by him and weather the storm. Slander/defamation of character can only be dealt with by the courts, I believe, if the person concerned loses out in some way - so if he's a teacher, for example, and loses his job because he's being wrongly accused of child abuse, then that would be worth looking at. However, much of it is he said/she said/they said...and the courts can't do much about people having an opinion.

Of course, it is possible that the child concerned has said things without any 'help' from dad. There could be a thousand reasons for this, all of them reasonable as far as the ex is concerned. If the tables were turned, you would of course take every precaution in protecting your children if they said something of this nature to you.

Suggesting mediation might be an option? Other than that, the court route for the return of the child will be the only option which won't be cheap. I suggest Families Need Fathers as a source of information and support.