Bit worried about DS

Top_Girl

Bit of background information, he is 7. A couple of years ago, his dad and I split up (initiated by me) and his dad moved into the spare room of a woman from work who he started seeing about a month later. They are getting married in July.

On the surface, he's coped really well but I'm not convinced.

I was called into school a few weeks ago as they were concerned as he'd told another child that he had no life and wanted to die. He's never said anything of the sort at home or his dad's. I agreed for him to be referred to the school counselling service and asked them to keep in touch but it hasn't started yet.

I have a friend round tonight who is having problems at home (currently in the hall on the phone to her mum in Scotland, I'm not being really rude ) and he's not settled at all for bed (bedtime is normally 7.30).

When I went up to see what was going on about 5 minutes ago, he was sat up in bed crying his eyes out. His reason was that he missed a lion teddy that we threw out when we cleared his room out. Bearing in mind we last cleared it out before Christmas and he's never shown a particular attachment to said teddy, I shrugged it off but thinking about it, he's always been strangely attached to stuff. For example, I was talking to him a few days ago about my plans for the front room in months to come; strip, replaster and paint and new cushions for the sofas to match the paint and he got really upset and asked if he could keep the cushions we already have in his room cos he didn't want them throwing away. Is this attachment behaviour 'normal' and would you mention it to the counsellor?

marisco_2

Could it be that it is fathers day tomorrow and he is struggling with not having his dad around. My 9 year old has been completely out of sorts for a while now and this was the crux of his problems. He finally felt able to tell me today how he has been feeling.

It has all built up for him. The realisation that he wont see his dad (he walked away 4 years ago) not only tomorrow but he will miss sports day again, will not read his fab school report which comes out in a couple of weeks. It all just got a bit much for him to cope with.

Hope things work out for you and your little boy settles down again.

pink68

After several bereavements in our family my son got very attached to stuff and didnt like change at all.

But he's now ten and has really changed now he's approaching high school.

Sounds like your son is just a bit scared of change and needs lots of hugsand reassurance from you. Try and get him to open up to you and perhaps go to the GP whilst you're waiting for counselling to start to check him over for things that might make him more emotional like anaemia or tiredness.

Good luck, i'm sure with everyones support it will pass.

X

Top_Girl

Thanks Marisco, to be fair, his dad has him 2/3 weekends, it's always hard the weekend he doesn't have him as he has two older brothers he adores there as well. He's made him a card and is giving him it with chocolates next weekend.

Thanks Pink68 also. He is very clever and as such is a bit of a thinker a lot of the time, which doesn't help at times like this. He's definitely not normally tired - he usually sleeps 11-12 hours a night.

CrazyRatLady_2

Well I'm not 7 (I'm 23) and I don't have children, but I do have attachment issues like your son - I wouldn't say it's normal, but probably not as uncommon as you would think. I can't say where my issues came from, although my parents separated when I was 3 and divorced when I was 7.

What you've said about your son with the cushions and the toy really reminds me of myself - when my cat died I was 15 and I refused to let my mum throw away the cat bed, we've never had another cat and I still have said cat bed tucked at the back of the airing cupboard. To me it felt disrespectful and like I'd be forgetting her if I didn't have it anymore - I know that's stupid, but I can't change the way I feel.

I was also very attached to my mum and my home - I could be away from one, but not both at the same time (you know for more than a couple of days) without getting very upset - my mum sold our house and moved 70 miles away when I was 18. As I was still at college I moved into my grandad's, but I ended up depressed because I couldn't cope with 'losing' my house and not having my mum around. Coupled with a few other things I was depressed for about 2 years.

I've got over that separation anxiety (just aswell now that my mum lives in Australia!) but I still get attached to silly little things and it's all in my head. For example I can be sitting around sorting out stuff to get rid of like, I don't know - old books, and a thought will pop into my head out of nowhere that the book I have in my hand I don't want to get rid of because it's mine and I don't have to, then I have a mini argument in my head telling myself not to be stupid as I won't read it again and there's no sentimental attachment to it.

I don't really have any advice except to say that yes it does sound like your son has a problem and it may well stem from issues with your and his father's separation or maybe not. Either wa counselling is a good start and I would imagine help, especially with his feelings about having nothing to live for.

The attachment issues may fade as he grows older, but they may not. If they don't it's not the end of the world - suffering from them myself it can be very irritating, but you learn to work your way around it and force yourself to concentrate on the things there is a genuine reason to be attached to.

I still sleep with the cuddly toy dog my dad bought me on the day I was born, but I also run my own business so I'm not a total loss to society!

Good luck to the both of you.

LilMissEmmylou

My DD is 5 and I am still with her dad ... she does this with items though. E.g. About a yr and a half ago we decluttered her room when we lived in London... even now I still get the "oh I wish I still had my XYZ" or if she sees somebody with a toy she got rid of "oh look, they must have bought my toy from the charity shop, do you think we can buy it back of them? I miss it". Now keep in mind the REASON she picked the toys we gave to the charity shop was because she DIDNT use them or play with them much if at all.

Dont start me on the clothes I want to get rid of but she wont let me (and yes i will at some point just remove and get rid when shes out... but oh boy will there be a fight after!)

I wouldnt worry too much, it sounds perfectly normal

FBaby

My son didn't struggle when his dad and I separated as he was only 18 months old, his dad wasn't much around as working miles away, so he hardly noticed the difference. However, it hit him a lot more when we moved with my new partner when he was just 8. It's not that he wasn't happy, he was, but he missed some of the things he was familiar with. It didn't affect him right away but months later after we thought he had adjusted fantastically. It usually came out of the blue, the tears about missing something that didn't cross his mind in other times, normally when he was particuarly tired.

When it happened, we talked about it, how it was normal that he missed some things, and that it was ok, but reassuring him that what is normal for him would gradually change. It's been over a year now and he has made the transition. It happens only very rarely that he will mention that he misses something from the past, and never in tears, only showing a bit of nostalgia in his voice.

Emmarillo

My youngest daughter (11) gets terribly attached to things too, and my husband and I are happily married so I just think some children are more sentimental than others. She had this pair of pyjamas for about four years an refused to part with them even though they were far too tight and short. She had loads of others and I took her shopping to choose them, so it wasn't that she didn't like them, but she was so attached to this particular pair. They are now in the loft 'for when she has a daughter'.

She has a fleece blanket that she's had forever and it's so thin its going holey. I patch it up with bits of clothes and bedding she's attached to - even the picture from the front of a pair of pants! I know it sounds strange, but its the only alternative I had to keeping almost every item of clothing she's ever had. She's as bad with toys and books, still has all her Kipper, Charlie and Lola and Gruffalo books,her train set, and we have only JUST given away her Happy Street toys.

Apart from all this she is quite normal and well adjusted with lots of friends, but when she loves something she really LOVES it. Her sister is the complete opposite.

whitewing

Why didn't DS see his dad today on father's day?

Surely he would still want to see him on the day itself? Maybe that was why he was so upset.

little_miss_moneysaver_3

It would be worth mentioning to the councillor. It may be that he feels unready for change and doesn't want anything else to change. It may be worth putting off your decorating until he's seen the councillor. You say he sleeps well, but does he? He may dream things, or be awake for some of the night. I say that as often people think I sleep well as I may be "in bed" for long hours but in reality I don't sleep well at all. I also don't deal with changes too well, especially changes that aren't in my control. When you decorate maybe getting him involved with picking colours or doing the decorating would help?

Top_Girl

whitewing wrote: »

Why didn't DS see his dad today on father's day?

Surely he would still want to see him on the day itself? Maybe that was why he was so upset.

I've offered his dad access on the weekends that aren't 'his' for him around special occasions; father's day, birthdays etc, to take him to his for a couple of hours or for dinner or something as he lives locally and he has refused