introducing new partners to kids-too damn soon!!!!!

zoesmummy_2006

My ex left me almost 3 years ago, was seeing someone else and soon as he left was taking the kids out and this girl was going along with a couple of other friends. That went pear shaped within a matter of weeks.

Fast forward 2 DAYS after that one was out the picture there was another in his life. She was introduced within about a month which i wasnt happy with but he told me to butt out and that it was nothing to do with me.

They had a baby together, but about 6 weeks ago they split.
Ive had to hear from my 3 and 6 year old how this lady "isnt being nice to daddy, she wont let him see baby....." their sister. Not my fight that they're not seeing their half sister, but im not happy that their daddy is either telling them or saying this stuff in front of them. I plan on having words about this, telling him to watch what he's saying cos they dont need to be involved in his arguments with his ex.

Now the latest-both kids have suddenly been mentioning this new name, and a lil lad they're calling 'cousin' cos thats what daddys told them. They've been going to the park and playcentres with daddy and this woman and her son when he has them. And they came home to me yesterday telling me that they stayed over with them all sat night (ex is now back at his parents following the split, but the parents were away, i cant see them letting that happen if they'd bin there).

I dont care what my ex does or who he see's, his life is his and nothing to do with me, what is to do with me is my kids seeing different women in and out of daddys life, especially as from what I gather its only been a couple of weeks max. Theyve been through enough upheavel over the last 3 years what with daddy leaving mummy, and then daddys girlfriend having a baby, them disappearing from their lives, and now another woman in the picture. Believe me my ex just cant be alone.

Am i wrong thinking its too soon?????

marisco_2

You're not wrong thinking it is too soon at all. How much you can really do about it is questionable though. I get the impression that any reasoned talk you try to have with your ex will at best go in one ear and out the other. At worst will be met with a load of abuse and you being told where to go.

Your ex is doing no favours to himself. Kids take in everything and will be forming their own opinions of their dad. His disregard for their welfare and stability will backfire on him in time. I shouldn't think they will have much repsect for his antics as they mature.

All you can do is be the kids rock, the stable one always setting a good example in what you say and how you conduct yourself. It seems they will grow up seeing the two extremes of life. With very careful handling it will make them wise beyond their years and streetwise. Get as many family members and friends on board as you can to give them good grounding and to see life being led well. They are lucky to have such a good mum.

BitterAndTwisted

Unfortunately, whatever you say and in whtever way you say it, it's going to be responded to with hostility. And very possibly defensiveness.

I agree with you but it's not that because the children dont need to be involved in his arguments with his ex, it's that they're much too young to understand it. And their apparent abandonment by her.

Children often form their own emotional attachments and in my opinion it's a form of cruelty to have people who may have become important to them to be wrenched from their lives and talked about in a disrespectful manner. Never mind a half-sibling. What would a three year old imagine could happen? That as soon as Daddy becomes tired of them, they will be cast out of his life as well?

In my opinion you're in a lose/lose situation with this one, no matter how strongly or correct your own feelings may be. Your ex sounds like a fool to not understand the potential damage that he could be inflicting on his children.

zoesmummy_2006

thankyou marisco, what youve said was lovely. My kids are the most important thing in the world to me, and the very few dates ive been on have always been in my time without the kids, none of them have ever been involved in anyway with them as they never went anywhere. I wouldnt introduce anyone to them unless they were significantly special to me and I was sure it was going to be longterm.

The only options that I think I have are to talk to him and explain to him that its too soon (again) though i fully expect the same response from him, or to restrict his access back to what the courts would allow, ie every other weekend and one night in the week. He currently has them every weekend and 1 night in the week (3 nights every week) at his insistence, and thats whats in the access agreement from the divorce. I didnt want him to have them every weekend as my daughter had started school meaning i got less time with her, as he has them sat/mon, basically all weekend.

I dont want to change access as I dont want to hurt my kids, but I also want to protect them as best I can from seeing their dad with different women. My daughter is now 6 and finds it especially confusing, but he doesnt see that!!!!! Im the one who comforts her when shes in tears wanting her daddy back here, and the one explaining that it wont happen.

He's a moron!!!!!!!!!!!!

feel better for that lol

zoesmummy_2006

and thankyou bitter and twisted xx

BitterAndTwisted

Please don't even think about challenging the access arrangements because of your (very correct) feelings about his revolving-door of female companions. Nothing good can come of it.

An altogether subtler strategy needs to be thought of when dealing with fools.

marisco_2

zoesmummy_2006 wrote: »

My daughter is now 6 and finds it especially confusing, but he doesnt see that!!!!! Im the one who comforts her when shes in tears wanting her daddy back here, and the one explaining that it wont happen.

I am a lone parent raising boys. Like you I didn't want my children meeting anyone I dated until I knew myself that it would last. I didn't want them to look back on their childhoods and remember a succession of men coming in and out of their lives. Not that I dated that many guys, god I just made myself sound like a right one there didn't I.

If you do decide to talk with the ex then try putting it to him something like this. Ask him what he wants his daughter to think she is worth in a few years time. How she sees the significant people in her life conducting their relationships now will be what she grows up thinking of as the norm. So does he want her thinking she will have one relationship after another and expect to be badly treated by guys, dumped on a whim. Or does he want her to expect to have a happy, fullfilling relationship where she is loved and respected.

Has he ever been made to sit and ask himself something so important. Seeing things from his daughters perspective might just make him wake up to what a fool he is being. Not likely is it but worth a try.

NoLongerLurking_2

marisco wrote: »

All you can do is be the kids rock, the stable one always setting a good example in what you say and how you conduct yourself. It seems they will grow up seeing the two extremes of life. With very careful handling it will make them wise beyond their years and streetwise. Get as many family members and friends on board as you can to give them good grounding and to see life being led well. They are lucky to have such a good mum.

I agree wholeheartedly. I'm not sure how much your ex is going to respond to a conversation about this, as it will undoubtedly be taken as a direct criticism of his parenting skills (and rightly so). That doesn't mean you shouldn't try, if you feel that it's something you need to do. HE WILL KNOW THAT YOU ARE RIGHT, even if he doesn't admit it and doesn't change. Sad but true.

If it's any comfort, I don't think your children will be hurt by witnessing this pattern. They will get used to it, and learn not to get too attached to each ladyfriend. As they get older they will gain an understanding of their father, and they will also remember being told things that they will eventually realise they shouldn't have been. They will contrast this with the example that you set them.

Focus on the long haul. It probably doesn't feel like it now, but they will be adults one day. As a child of divorce I can say we all get there in the end.

zoesmummy_2006

ok I thought i'd update.........

Im afraid I lost my temper with the ex on tuesday night. During the divorce he demanded he have the kids every wed night and then sat avo to mon morning and I agreed cos I wanted the kids to see their daddy even though I was losing time with them at a weekend, which is the main time I get with my daughter since she started school (son starts in sept). I wanted every other weekend but was so beaten down I agreed for a quiet life.

Well he asked to have the kids fri and sat last weekend as he was 'working cheffing at a bbq party' on sunday. I actually have no recollection of him asking to swap in the first place, he says he did ask before when he asked if it was still ok, but I went along with it. I then find out that he's lied about this cheffing job, and has caught the train to see this lass in her home town a good 3 hours away. Again, not an issue, he can do what he pleases, but the lies grate on me-he lies CONSTANTLY.

What did make me erupt was getting a text from him tue evening wanting to not have the kids wed, possibly have them thurs as he's 'gone away for a few days'. Upon checking his fb page, I see him posting pics of this girl and her son on his wall and tagging them here there and everywhere. Normally I would have just gone 'ok' but i flipped at the fact that its the kids half term and he's away playing happy families with some other womans child, spending money on them that he could have spent on his kids.

sent him a reply saying 'heaven forbid his kids and the time he demanded should interfere with his time away with his new girlfriend and her son'

He then proceeded to tell me shes not his girlfriend, shes just a friend (heard that line with the last 2-im not stupid!!!) and wanted to know why I was so mad at him. I had to explain that he's !!!!!!ed off spending money and time with someone else & her kid when his kids are off on holiday and normally i'm getting moaned at that he doesnt get enough time with them, that hes then asking to change his access again to spend more time with them-therefore putting them before his kids and thats not right.

He then started trying to make me feel sorry for him, bleating on about how he needed a few days away, that his life is so bad, he's so stressed and that the ex wont let him see the baby and hes gotta get a solicitor and go to court for access.........ooooohhh my heart bleeds. I was stressed and depressed and sick as hell when he left me, but i had a 1 and 3 year old to get up and deal with everyday, I havent been away in 4 years, not even for a weekend as all my money goes on the kids. I then asked him why he lied about the cheffing job and the fact that this woman was around my kids if he has nothing to hide and they're really just friends. He couldnt answer that which says it all.

Fast forward to wed, he says he's gonna be on the dinnertime train and pick the kids up at 4pm as usual.....I then get a text saying 'he's missed the train cos traffic was so bad' but that he's going to catch a later one and will need to pick the kids up later. He then sent me a message telling me that hes not seeing this girl, and that he's still in love with me, always has been and always will be. My god, if thats how he treats people he supposedly loves i'd hate to see what he thinks is acceptable treatment for his enemies. Anyway, I know he doesnt love me, he maybe loves the girl he married, but i'm not that girl anymore. I told him i dont feel the same. I had thought divorcing him would have made that perfectly clear.

I spoke to a mate whos partner is 'friends' with my ex still, i use the word 'friends' loosely as my ex only bothers with them when he's down and wants somewhere to go with the kids, and she said a month ago he asked them to come meet this girl and her son at a playcentre with them, and they refused. They told him that they werent comfortable with me not knowing, and that im not daft, neither are the kids and they will say what they see. He then stopped speaking to them. He text the partner the other day, and when he said where he was with this lass and his friend told him it was too serious too fast he went back to ignoring him again.

He's beyond rediculous, I find it hard to believe I ever loved this man, let alone married and had kids with him. But he wasnt always like this, in the beginning he was wonderful, we had our ups and downs over the years, but its like hes reverted to the idiotic, childish, immature teenager he used to be. The one good thing from this whole mess is my kids, they are the most wonderful thing in the world and I would do anything for them. They come first with me no matter what, and they know that. I just dont understand how he can behave the way he does. He's selfish and self centred and one day when his kids want nothing to do with him he'll only have himself to blame!!!!!

fannyanna

Unfortunately you have no control over what he does with his life, who he spends time with and who he spends his money on. Moaning at him about it just makes you seem as though you're a nag in his mind.

Take a step back and try to ignore what he does. You'll only drive yourself crazy. It also won't change a think. You pointing out he's being a tool won't stop him from being one.

marisco_2

I can really empathise with how you feel, having been in a similar situation.

At the moment you are solely being the strong, responsible parent. The one who cooks, cleans, washes, irons the clothes, disciplines, sets the ground rules. Makes sure the kids get to and from school/nursery, helps them with their homework etc.

Your ex gets to play daddy, more and more on his terms. What he is doing is destructive to the childrens stability and self esteem. As I am sure you are painfully aware as they get older they will realise where his priorities lie and that he picks them up and drops them as suits his lifestyle.

If they dont want to know him in years to come it will be by his own doing. I am not saying this to mock you in any way as I have alot of respect for how hard you are trying, but dont underestimate how devestating this can all be for the kids too. To disrespect a parent so much that you cut all ties is a huge step for a young adult to consider taking. My eldest refuses to have anything to do with his dad. He doesn't want to have any contact. There are times though; parents evenings, sports days, school plays, drama performances when I know it cuts him up to not have his dad their cheering him on.

When you next speak to your ex talk purely from the perspective of the kids. You have every right to dislike his life choices. Voicing your feelings about this though will mean he will zone out and not hear the most important messages. The ones that could make all the difference to the kids and their futures.