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What is likely to happen next?
Bogeen
Posts: 8 Forumite
Self confessed AE but I didn't want to post under my usual name. Sorry it's a long post but it's a little complicated.
I've been caring for my granddaughter for the last few weeks. Lots of things have happened in that time which has culminated in my GDs mum needing to have some sort of assessment before my GD can leave. A quick bit of background info. My son and the girl in question have been in a very volatile on-off relationship for about 4 years. Last year, after they got back together yet again, she fell pregnant.
When they told me, I was supportive of them but at the same time I also knew that it was probably one of the worst things that could have happened. They were on another 'permament' split when my GD was born. He was at the birth and was really supportive of his on-off partner. Inevitably the first few days of my GDs life brought them closer together again and the spiral of breaking up started all over again.
Since my GD was born they have split up numerous times and each time my GD was used as a weapon, with both of them accusing the other of being a rubbish parent. Seven weeks ago they broke up again and the aftermath has been far from normal. My son had arranged to go to Scotland and his partner (lets call her Mary) doesn't trust my son with just reason because he has cheated on her in the past, although, when he was going they had conveniently split up. When she knew that he was definitely going she created such a scene at her mums house that her mum threw her out (for the 3rd time since my GD was born). She ended up in a hostel and told my son that he should take my then 3.5 month old GD on a 19 hour bus trip, there and back.
Mary knew that my GD could stay here if she felt that my GD was at any risk at all but she refused and accused me of being unfit to look after her. The day my son left for Scotland I wasn't surprised in the slightest to get a text message from her telling me to inform my son that my GD was in the hospital. Just suspecting that she lied about it makes me feel sick but when I wanted to come visit she kept putting me off. My son came back to my house after his weekend away and Mary was allowed back into her mums. I left the house the day and swear I walked into the twilight zone.
On the first day, my son allegedly went back to work and didn't return home. It's happened a good few times before so I wasn't concerned. On the third day, I got a text message from my son telling me he had left home. I then found out from Mary that he was back living in a homeless hostel and she had been in touch with him. The fourth day I got a phone call from her mother telling me Mary had been thrown out of her house yet again and had refused to take my GD to a hostel so could I have my GD here for a few days.The fifth day my GD was dropped off here at 10am. The next day, the police called to make sure my GD really was here and that she was safe. They told me that social services would be in touch with me and recommended that I go for a temp residency order.
I informed Mary's mum about what had been said and she said that it would be okay and between us we would share responsibility until Mary got herself sorted, which I was fine about. 4 days later Mary's mum said that it was best all round if my GD stayed here and basically she had her own life now and Mary was not part of it. That was 6 weeks ago.
Three weeks ago Mary was offered and accepted a council house, which surprise, surprise my son helped her decorate. From the moment that the police mentioned social workers, I was honest with Mary and my son and told them that I would tell them that I had no problem returning my GD to Mary or my son as individual people but I would have to raise my concerns about them as a couple. The social worker visited me at the beginning of last week and I did tell them my concerns. I also told them that Mary was due to collect my GD at the end of the week. Mary lives in a different district to me so the social worker who visited had to pass on all the details but did say that should Mary leave with my GD I was to inform them immediately.
The day Mary was meant to pick up my GD, I had been in contact with her and everything seemed fine until I had a phone call from the social worker who visited, telling me both districts had serious concerns because they were seeing one another again. Because I have no parental rights either one of them can take my GD away but I have to contact social services immediately if that happens. Mary has to have some sort of assessment this week. The social workers from Mary's district also called reiterating the point. 1 of them also mentioned that I would have to sign a working agreement too??
Since the phone calls, I've looked back over all the different correspodence from Mary, my son and Mary's mum. In the six weeks since Mary left my GD at her mums they have both been arrested on separate occasions, my son has had his jaw broken and between them they told me three different stories. Then there's the lack of visits. For the first 3 weeks Mary took her daughter out on a Monday, Wednesday and a Friday. My son and her visited twice together after his jaw was broken and 1 of those visits I had to tell them if they didn't stop arguing when they had precious time to spend with a daughter that they rarely see then they would have to leave. Since Mary got the house 3 weeks ago she has visited my GD here 3 times the first week, cancelled a visit to her daughter because her and my son thought they deserved a day to Brighton, then took her daughter out with her mother who is now her best friend since she got the house and this week she hasn't visited at all.
Until I wrote it all down I never realised just how much I don't want my GD to leave just like that. Mary has spent very little time with her in the last 6 weeks and no quality one to one time. I'm pretty much all the little girl has known since she was 3.5 months old. For the life of me I can't remember if I even mentioned to the social worker how little time Mary had spent with my GD. Mary has now said that her and my son have split up again because he cheated on her, not because it was detrimental to her relationship with her daughter.
I have no idea what will happen at Mary's assessment. Are they likely to believe that they have split up for good? Will the social workers have access to their police records? If it was a normal week I'd phone the social worker who visited first thing in the morning to make sure I did tell them how her visits have tailed off. Is that bit of information something that is acceptable to call about when it's classed as being out of hours? I was so surprised when I got the calls that I didn't really digest what either of them had said.
I've been caring for my granddaughter for the last few weeks. Lots of things have happened in that time which has culminated in my GDs mum needing to have some sort of assessment before my GD can leave. A quick bit of background info. My son and the girl in question have been in a very volatile on-off relationship for about 4 years. Last year, after they got back together yet again, she fell pregnant.
When they told me, I was supportive of them but at the same time I also knew that it was probably one of the worst things that could have happened. They were on another 'permament' split when my GD was born. He was at the birth and was really supportive of his on-off partner. Inevitably the first few days of my GDs life brought them closer together again and the spiral of breaking up started all over again.
Since my GD was born they have split up numerous times and each time my GD was used as a weapon, with both of them accusing the other of being a rubbish parent. Seven weeks ago they broke up again and the aftermath has been far from normal. My son had arranged to go to Scotland and his partner (lets call her Mary) doesn't trust my son with just reason because he has cheated on her in the past, although, when he was going they had conveniently split up. When she knew that he was definitely going she created such a scene at her mums house that her mum threw her out (for the 3rd time since my GD was born). She ended up in a hostel and told my son that he should take my then 3.5 month old GD on a 19 hour bus trip, there and back.
Mary knew that my GD could stay here if she felt that my GD was at any risk at all but she refused and accused me of being unfit to look after her. The day my son left for Scotland I wasn't surprised in the slightest to get a text message from her telling me to inform my son that my GD was in the hospital. Just suspecting that she lied about it makes me feel sick but when I wanted to come visit she kept putting me off. My son came back to my house after his weekend away and Mary was allowed back into her mums. I left the house the day and swear I walked into the twilight zone.
On the first day, my son allegedly went back to work and didn't return home. It's happened a good few times before so I wasn't concerned. On the third day, I got a text message from my son telling me he had left home. I then found out from Mary that he was back living in a homeless hostel and she had been in touch with him. The fourth day I got a phone call from her mother telling me Mary had been thrown out of her house yet again and had refused to take my GD to a hostel so could I have my GD here for a few days.The fifth day my GD was dropped off here at 10am. The next day, the police called to make sure my GD really was here and that she was safe. They told me that social services would be in touch with me and recommended that I go for a temp residency order.
I informed Mary's mum about what had been said and she said that it would be okay and between us we would share responsibility until Mary got herself sorted, which I was fine about. 4 days later Mary's mum said that it was best all round if my GD stayed here and basically she had her own life now and Mary was not part of it. That was 6 weeks ago.
Three weeks ago Mary was offered and accepted a council house, which surprise, surprise my son helped her decorate. From the moment that the police mentioned social workers, I was honest with Mary and my son and told them that I would tell them that I had no problem returning my GD to Mary or my son as individual people but I would have to raise my concerns about them as a couple. The social worker visited me at the beginning of last week and I did tell them my concerns. I also told them that Mary was due to collect my GD at the end of the week. Mary lives in a different district to me so the social worker who visited had to pass on all the details but did say that should Mary leave with my GD I was to inform them immediately.
The day Mary was meant to pick up my GD, I had been in contact with her and everything seemed fine until I had a phone call from the social worker who visited, telling me both districts had serious concerns because they were seeing one another again. Because I have no parental rights either one of them can take my GD away but I have to contact social services immediately if that happens. Mary has to have some sort of assessment this week. The social workers from Mary's district also called reiterating the point. 1 of them also mentioned that I would have to sign a working agreement too??
Since the phone calls, I've looked back over all the different correspodence from Mary, my son and Mary's mum. In the six weeks since Mary left my GD at her mums they have both been arrested on separate occasions, my son has had his jaw broken and between them they told me three different stories. Then there's the lack of visits. For the first 3 weeks Mary took her daughter out on a Monday, Wednesday and a Friday. My son and her visited twice together after his jaw was broken and 1 of those visits I had to tell them if they didn't stop arguing when they had precious time to spend with a daughter that they rarely see then they would have to leave. Since Mary got the house 3 weeks ago she has visited my GD here 3 times the first week, cancelled a visit to her daughter because her and my son thought they deserved a day to Brighton, then took her daughter out with her mother who is now her best friend since she got the house and this week she hasn't visited at all.
Until I wrote it all down I never realised just how much I don't want my GD to leave just like that. Mary has spent very little time with her in the last 6 weeks and no quality one to one time. I'm pretty much all the little girl has known since she was 3.5 months old. For the life of me I can't remember if I even mentioned to the social worker how little time Mary had spent with my GD. Mary has now said that her and my son have split up again because he cheated on her, not because it was detrimental to her relationship with her daughter.
I have no idea what will happen at Mary's assessment. Are they likely to believe that they have split up for good? Will the social workers have access to their police records? If it was a normal week I'd phone the social worker who visited first thing in the morning to make sure I did tell them how her visits have tailed off. Is that bit of information something that is acceptable to call about when it's classed as being out of hours? I was so surprised when I got the calls that I didn't really digest what either of them had said.
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Comments
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:grouphug:You seem like a very patient mother and grandmother.
From family experience with the social services this can go on for many years.
The social services will need to get an interim care order if they want the child to remain with you until the assessments are done.
What are the social assessing your GD mother for?
could it be that the mother was not settled with her housing and the distrupt (being kicked out) has taken a toll on her - having a little one is not easy.
SEems both parents need to get their priorities right re the break at the beach without GD!
Depends what has triggered the social involvement. If there is a safety issue then the best place for the little one is with yourself until mum gets it sorted. Regarding the contact issue maybe the SA can draw up a contact order where they will be assessing the contact between the GD and mother.
with us it has been going on for over 6 yrs now and twice the Gran has been dragged to court by the biological mother for more contact but due to her assessments has not successed and the child is confused as she is telling him gran is keeping him away!
I hope it all goes well maybe all the mother needs is a bit of support and guidence and stay away from the hostile relationship with yor son.sealed pot chellenger no992Total for 2011= £198
mfw= 2011 overpayment =
Mfw 2012 no#25=OP target £2000
The road to success is always under construction.0 -
Aw thank you. I realised last year that all I could do was let it all unfold and pick up the pieces. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this would be the result.
I seem to think that my local SW asked me if I'd be prepared to have the GD beyond Wednesday but my head was so busy processing her not being allowed to leave that nothing else registered properly. I'm really not sure what the assessment is for.
I guess it's because she has always lived at home and has no idea what that alone truly involves. Add on a wee baby who really does need a lot of time. Then there's my son. They truly are as bad as each other. I've lost count of how many times I've told her to put her and her daughter first. She has some mad insane notion that she can 'save him and turn him into the person she knows he could be' those were her very words!
She has said that it is because the SWs think she has an alcohol problem because she was drunk when she was arrested. The SW told me they had serious concerns because they were in a relationship but not planning to live together.
The SW had to get involved because she turned up at a hostel with no baby and the week before when she arrived she had her daughter. The police said they were obliged to inform the social but they could see the GD was well looked after etc.
A contact order sounds like the ideal thing. I'm just a little worried that they just allow the GD to leave this week.0 -
I'm sorry, I can't help you with your questions, but I wanted to say that it sounds like you're going to be the rock in your GD's life.
How would you feel about being her guardian for the next few years? It sounds like you might have to be and it sounds like you'd give her a good life.
I wish you all the best.0 -
They may well let that happen and then monitor the situation.
Keeping the baby away longer may effect the bonding which you yourself have picked up on.
I think maybe this is the kick the mother may need for her to get her priorities right. She needs to put her child first before the on/off relaitonship with the father.
having the SS involved in any family is not pleasant and can really strain relationships.( again from family experience). MAybe if the Gd does go back you can offer your support to the mother don't be judgemental or take sides re son and her relationship as that will only get her back up.
If social only concern was her getting arrested whilst drunk( happens to many youngsters) and turned up without baby at the hostel(I assume from your OP the baby was with you the second time she was kicked out of her mums place to go to the hostel) then they may well let the baby return if she can assure them that the relationship is over.
don't really want to go in to much detail re our case(welcome to pm)but these were the conditions originaly but unfortunatly mother chose her partner over the wellbeing of her baby.sealed pot chellenger no992Total for 2011= £198
mfw= 2011 overpayment =
Mfw 2012 no#25=OP target £2000
The road to success is always under construction.0 -
It's a no brainer really. My youngest has just left school and we were just beginning to think our lives would start getting a little easier :rotfl:
I have absolutely adored the time I've been able to spend with her and fully appreciate that babies grow up so fast. That's why I'm worried she will be allowed to just leave here on Monday. When the GD first came to stay she was asleep most of the day, now she's awake most of the day.
The most frustrating part is that I have invited Mary to come and spend a night here with her daughter on numerous occasions. I just can't understand why she wouldn't leap at the chance.0 -
i am so sorry to hear about your troubles, I do hope things turn out for the best. i do not have any advice apart from look after yourself and make sure you get enough rest so you can be strong for your GD and all others involved.0
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Both Mary and my son know I am not here to judge and at times it has been so hard for me to bite my tongue. They also know I will support them on an individual level, that I acknowledge they have this really strange bond between them, that I realise that the strange bond won't let either of them walk away but I will never ever accept that them being together is a good thing.
I've already suggested having my GD here on a weekend so she can have a bit of space and a little bit of a life, but in honesty it's because the weekends are more than likely 'dodgy' times. And if she ever just needs a break. I really have been as supportive as I could possibly have been.0 -
It's a no brainer really. My youngest has just left school and we were just beginning to think our lives would start getting a little easier :rotfl:
Lol, that's life for you! I've still got 2 adult sons at home, everytime it looks like one is going to be moving out, a curved ball gets thrown! :rotfl:0 -
I don't want to worry you, but despite changing the names your situation is quite unusual and I expect that anyone involved would recognise you from the events you've described.
That may or may not bother you, but people have been 'found' on here in the past, just to warn you.0
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