Child Contact - advice needed

DougalButler

Hi everyone

I would be grateful for any advice on the situation that I find myself in.

I separated from my ex-wife, and left the matrimonial home in late 2009. We have a son aged 8 years old (was 5 years old then). Since that date I have seen my son 1 day on alternate weekend days each week, together with at least 1 day per week in school holidays.

However, in that time my son has not stayed overnight with me at all. This is a situation that has caused me a lot of anxiety and distress. When I have asked my son why he will not stay over he has said it is as a result of something that a member of my ex-wife's family has said to him, and that he believes will happen should he stay over. I have attempted to allay his fears over time, but he has still not stayed overnight.

I have now applied to the County Court for a Contact Order for him to stay overnight with me at alternate Fri-Sundays, together with defined contact in school holidays and half-term. This application was made after my ex-wife refused my suggestion to attend mediation, child counselling (to alleviate his fears of staying over) and Parent Counselling (to improve our relations with each other).

It would seem that my ex-wife's solicitor's stance is that my son doesn't want to stay with me, and that my ex-wife has tried her best to get him to stay over. However, the reality is completely different - my son has repeated the reason for him not staying over (unduly influenced) on at least 3 occasions to me. In addition, I have not had one single discussion with her, or with my son and her present in all this time. The reality of the situation is that she has effectively controlled the time I have spent with him. My ex has made a suggestion that we simply revisit him staying overnight with me in 18 months time - this is ridiculous as surely his fears need to be addressed now so that they don't get any worse.

How would a Court be likely to view this, and what would be the best approach for me to take when the matter does go to Court ? I am a caring and loving father (with no drink, drugs or criminal history etc) who wants to have a meaningful relationship with my son

Sorry for the length of this message - any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.

heretolearn_2

Without knowing what your son is afraid of I don't see what help we can give. Although I understand why you maybe don't want to reveal something if it's got some small basis in reality somehow - I take it we aren't talking 'getting eaten by the monster in the wardrobe' but something vaguely feasible?

But if the child is clearly stating a reluctance to stay then I can't see a court forcing him to.

Can't you tackle your son's fear when he visits? Talk about it with him and keep reassuring him? Is there some way he can be exposed to whatever he thinks is scary during the daytime on a day visit, to take away the mystique of it? So if for example it was that he wouldn't want to have a bedtime bath for whatever reason, take him out somewhere madly muddy and then have a quick clean-up shower when you get home.

jgh

I really hate this "ownership" model of parenting we have. You have my sympathy, but as far as I am concerned, parents have no right of access to children, children have right of access to parents and parents have a duty to enable that access.

grass_is_greener

We went through a similar experience recently.

In our case the mother would only allow 2-3 night overnight stays, not the week at a time that OH would have liked (we live over 8 hours drive away as she moved) Her reasons were that OHs daughter did not want to stay for any longer.

In court, it all transpired to be lies and CAFCASS indicated that they could see no reason why this should not be allowed and would be in his daughters best interest so she could develop a proper relationship with her father and his family.

Personally, I think it would be very unusual for court not to allow overnight stays when there is no real reason. It may be that it is done on a trial basis with the provision that you return him home if he becomes distressed.

I wish you luck as we understand what it is like to have a manipulative mother have all the control but courts can be fair and do usually listen to both sides.

coinxoperated

You need to leave it up to him. I understand its upsetting for you, but if he doesn't want to stay, forcing him will only make him resent it more. Please just listen to what he wishes to do and enjoy the time you do spend with him. As he gets older he will undoubtedly wish to stay overnight if all is 'well' so to speak.

I do feel you are not being entirely honest in your message and there may be more underlying reasons as to why it he is not currently staying with you, but I may be wrong.

Please don't force him. He has a choice. You wouldn't force a friends child to stay overnight if they didn't want too, so why do it to your own?

grass_is_greener

coinxoperated wrote: »

You need to leave it up to him. I understand its upsetting for you, but if he doesn't want to stay, forcing him will only make him resent it more. Please just listen to what he wishes to do and enjoy the time you do spend with him. As he gets older he will undoubtedly wish to stay overnight if all is 'well' so to speak.

I do feel you are not being entirely honest in your message and there may be more underlying reasons as to why it he is not currently staying with you, but I may be wrong.

Please don't force him. He has a choice. You wouldn't force a friends child to stay overnight if they didn't want too, so why do it to your own?

But what if it is the mother is so heavily influencing the child so that it is not actually his wishes, but hers? Parents with care have a huge influence on their child's feelings and there has been a lot of research into parental alienation, its just a shame courts in the UK do not recognise this.

MrsManda

It really depends on what your son's reason for not wanting to stay over is and whether his fears can be addressed. I cannot see a court forcing him to stay with you though having time with an independent person such as a counsellor could be a good way of getting him to work through his fears and see if he changes his mind.

My parents split when I was about 3 and I never wanted to stay overnight with my dad. It wasn't that I was discouraged by my mum or other members of the family, it was just not something I ever felt comfortable doing. I don't know what my dad's feelings were but I'm grateful no one pushed me to do so.
We have a great relationship now and I stay over when I see him but I didn't do this until I was 20years old.