Advice on what's reasonable for parent who's kids live with the ex

elsien

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FBaby

Ok, so she will let him have the kids for half the hols, she just makes stupid demands because she, for whichever reasons, is an insecure mum... He has two choices, going along with it, or standing up to her by principle...and risking not seeing his kids unless he goes through a lenghty and costly process... I know which one I would chose...

Surely she is not asking for a minute by minute detail of what they will be doing. He can just sort out a general planning, saying he intends to take them here or there or this or that day, and just text her if there is a change of plan.

Unfortunately, when you separate, there is a lot of of having to swallow your principles and feelings to make it work. I have to swallow my anger on a regular basis with my ex, because he doesn't pay, because he will only have them when it suits him, because he will expect me to rush from work to take our son to the doctor when I know everything is fine and despite the fact he would never take the time of himself etc.... I've long learn that the easiest thing to do is go along with what doesn't ruin my life if it means that we avoid being in head log all the time. I have also learnt that this is the only way he will himself show some flexibility at times.

It is very likely that if he goes along with her demands to a minimum extend, she will feel reassured and more likely to relax so that in the long run, it works in his favour.

elsien

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Lady_S

I personally would disagree and you need to start as you mean to go on.

Does she give him step by step details of what she is doing with the kids? If she does, match it, if she doesn't, I don't see why he should comply.

What will she ask for next?

elsien

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heretolearn_2

she sounds mental. And an awful mother. If she is genuinely that clingy and pathetic the kids will start hating her and wanting to live with him in a few years...

I wouldn't pander to it if I were him, not too much, a lot of what she wants is really only going to effect the kids more than him, so in a year or two the kids will be old enough to start complaining about it all. so if she has to spoil their holidays with him by silly demands for long phone calls, let her. the kids will soon get fed up with it. I'm not saying he should criticise her, but there's nothing wrong with letting them see the situation as it is. So mum wants to bug the hell out of them, they'll see it. If they can't go and do activities they want to, because mum hasn't pre-approved it, tell them that's why.

He probably also needs to go to court re access. It doesn't sound as if she'll improve and he can't live with her threats hanging over his head. If he goes to court the kids' needs and wants are paramount - if she tries to act like they are her possessions and she doesn't give a fig what they want as she does now - the situation will be spelled out to her very clearly.

If she really is that clingy it's not healthy for the kids. Courts place children according to their needs, not the parents. Perhaps he could remind her of that. And why isn't he sticking up for himself when she goes on about them only being hers so she controls everything? If she isn't mental and is doing it to be a bully, bullies normally back down if you refuse to play the game.

elsien

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floss2

I think your relative should suggest that she also provides an itinerary as to the childrens' whereabouts & activities during the other half of the holiday, and also at weekends when they are not in school......

And he needs to make an appointment with his solicitor for when they are back off holiday to discuss the issues such as her refusal to attend mediation & refusal to share access.

As an aside, my ex's refusal to attend mediation did not go down well when I got divorced over 10 years ago - the judge commented on his behaviour in the hearing - and it is a much bigger part of the proceedings now.

Mojisola

It's important to keep the moral high ground in these situations - don't try to get her to give an itinerary - the request is not reasonable so just get him to say that and keep saying it.

If he can get her demands in writing - emails, texts or letters - that would be good. If she only says these things - which she can deny saying later on - he needs to write to her and say, for example, "I know you have asked me to give you an hour-by-hour account of what the children will be doing while they are with me but it isn't reasonable to insist on this as I won't be planning ahead to that extent", "I don't think it's reasonable for you to talk to the children for two hours twice a day when they are with me", and so on. Keep copies of everything sent to her. Her demands are ridiculous and will be seen as such by the court.

rachhh

Genuinely don't understand why some women act like this. What do they achieve by denying their children time with their father?! If you love your kids, surely you'd put their needs above your own petty want to hurt your ex?