Dilemmas of a Wedding Guest

mrsnolimits

Hey guys. After some advice from some seasoned money savers about my dilemmas - apols if covered elsewhere in the forum - I'm new around here

So an old friend of mine is getting married. The ceremony is far from where we live and we dont have a car, so in order to go, we have to get a 5.5hr train AND spend two nights in a hotel (an early train on the day of the wedding wont get us there in time). This alone is going to cost us a couple of hundred pounds, not taking into account food and drinks outside of the wedding, taxis to the venue etc. We also have to buy my husband a suit as he doesnt own one. I have also already paid £150 for the hen night I am going to, and I still have to pay for the train travel and this doenst include 'spending money' for the night out OR the fact that its a themed party so I have to try and cobble together a costume from friends/family/charity shops etc. All in all, its proving costly.

Now this friend has also asked for donations towards the honeymoon as a gift which I just cant afford. So whats better to do? Give nothing - just a card. Give a small amount - say £20. OR make something as a gift - at least that shows some effort! But if I go down the making route, what on earth do I make?!!

It wouldnt be so troubling except for that a couple of months later, I also have another very close friend suddenly getting married overseas, which will be at a cost of at least £400 for the two of us - and this is buying cheap fares and reusing old outfits. Plus the hen night for this one hasnt even been confirmed yet. And lets just say this friend and I have a different definition of what not having much money is!!

I resent it a little bit as well as I had a very small wedding and didnt receive ANY gifts or even cards from either of them

So please ANY IDEAS WILL HELP! Either on thrifty or homemade wedding gifts, proper gifting etiquette for the broke, or any other way to save cash on these two very expensive outings!!

RainbowDrops

How about a small amount of currency (not immediately obvius what the value is) and Mr&Mrs lugggage tags?

yellowcrocus

Definitely a homemade gift...how about a hamper of sweet or cakes? Or a morning after hamper with croissants, OJ and homemade jam?

I am having a wedding overseas in 2 years and I'm definitely not expecting gifts from anyone considering the already huge expense they will have gone to.

You sound like a lovely friend!

johannalf88

Can your husband not borrow a suit from someone? I had to send off OH's tuxedo yesterday to his sister's boyfriend as he couldn't afford to hire one. And my dad has to borrow ties of my OH and my uncle from time to time! If you really want to buy one, try asda, I have heard they are cheap but surprisingly good quality. (obviously they are not great!)

Do you need to go to both if the hen dos? I wouldn't be offended if I was told that the wedding was jut costing too much money is a bit tight etc. Esp if the wedding is abroad!

For the present- if you can't affor to give anything don't. I would hate to think of people struggling becaus they got me a gift instead of food! However, I think if you can affor to give £20 give it. We have a honeymoon gift list, with things starting at £15. So £20 is a perfectly reasonable amount. If you want to put a bit more effort into it, why not buy them tickets for the first class lounge (should be about £20 I think), or present the £20 in a funky way. There was a thread starte about this- bet one was £50 presented as an origami flower or something! I have had miney given to me in a photo frame, with "break glass in emergency" sticker in which I loved!

Em88

If you can't afford to give anything then don't they shouldn't be offended. I echo what Jo says about the hen dos too. We requested money towards our honeymoon but only as people kept asking us what we wanted. We sent a rather considered email to our guests saying things we would like to do but that what we really wanted was for them to share our day. Our guests spent a lot getting to our wedding and we made it very clear we were not expecting gifts. Some guests still gave us gifts/money others didn't. We were happy either way. We hired a car and travelled round Scotland for our honeymoon and one guest got us an audio book to listen too and sometravel sweets, while another made us a survival kit of emergency mini alcohols and chocolates. Both were really thoughtful and appreciated gifts. If you can come up with something like that I am sure they would love it. The individual little touches often mean the most. hth

McKneff

How about just saying you are going away on holiday, its already booked and send them £50, it will be a lot cheaper in the long run.

The only people I would do all the travelling etc for would be close family

wanchai_2

Did they go to your wedding and not give a gift???? :eek:

I wouldn't go to the hen dos. That'll save you £££s. Go to the weddings if you can afford to, and give what you can afford to give. Good luck x

LEJC

Do you actually want to go to the weddings...or is it perhaps somthing that you would be comfortable to decline the invites and send a card with "an increased donation" to the honeymoon....?

If you feel that you have to attend then its really up to you how much you donate in leiu of a gift to the honrymoon fund...if thats £10 or £20 or whatever thats up to you...I personally like your idea of a homemade gift however you know youtr friends...and will they appreciate the time and effort you put into it when they have specifically aked for a monetry contribution rather than gifts.Its a really tricky situation and whilst you may not like the giving of money its sometimes better to give what the couple want rather than trying to create something that may not be appreciated as much.


I think rainbows idea of currency if they are going abroad is a really good one

mrsnolimits

Thanks so much for all the thoughts and suggestions so far, really helpful to get an outside opinion.
I love the idea of a finding a different way to present a bank note or of getting them currency instead - never thought of that at all. I may well also try and dodge the 2nd hen do if funds really wont permit.
Now I just need to find a man of a similar size to my husband to borrow a suit off of and we're good to go!

DirtPoorGuy

Okay here are a few ideas.

TRANSPORT: Consider using a service like liftshare.com or similair, do a search for 'lift share', there are a few of these websites around, you can sign up, list travel dates and if you are lucky you will get someone traveling to the same place or close by, you get a lift and it is free, although it is good manners to offer some money towards fuel.

ACCOMODATION: Look for B&Bs online for low prices also have a look at the Youth Hostel Association for accomodation, don't be put off by the name, the ages of the people who use it are very diverse and you can even book a private room rather than a dorm, they are cheap, have cooking facilities on site so you can have a home cooked meal rather than eating out where possible.

CLOTHING: If you really cannot find a friend or family member to loan you a suit then consider buying second hand on ebay, you really can pick up some fantastic bargains for clothing, alternatively, consider hiring a suit on the high street or eBay, yes eBay.

GIFT: Don't worry about it, ignore the making a contribution to the honeymoon and buy or make a small gift as you see fit, something saucy and humorous rather than practical, if they really do not understand or appreciate the gesture then perhaps they really aren't that much of a friend.

DRINKS: Okay this may not be to your taste but if you are hard up and hotel bar prices are steep bring a half bottle of spirits with you, I am amazed at the number of weddings I have been to over the years where people have topped up their glasses from a handbag bar.

BabyBoots

I'm another one in favour of skipping the hen do to be able to afford attending the weddings. One of my good friends told me bluntly she couldn't afford to be at both, and I'm happy she is coming to my wedding, although she'll be missed at the hen do.

Also, if it's a summer wedding, your OH can probably get away with shirt and trousers, which he may already own. You can get a tie for £2 in Primark, if he doesn't have one.

I like the personal gift idea along the lines of car sweets and an audiobook (especially as they won't turn into clutter). When people say no gifts, they may do so because they have no room, so if you're going for something homemade, just consider if they'll have the houseroom.