How to integrate my new partner with my kids and I

beautiful_ravens

HI,
Bit of backstory - been seeing my new man for 2 years, but he lives a 3 hour drive away. So, we have been doing a LDR all this time. He comes here every 5 weeks, for about 4 or 5 days. Inbetween that I visit him for a night. I have 3 DDs and my ex lives 2 towns away, so they see him at weekends.

My new partner is going to move in, but first he has to sell his house where he is. Im not sure how we are going to smoothly get him moved in, or if thats unrealistic! Obviously, if he was nearby, he would be round here all the time and I guess the moving in would be really gradual and more natural, but as it is, he will one day just have to turn up and move in, due to the distance.

Has anyone done anything like this or got any advice? Im not going to tell my kids yet, until at least his house is on the market, and have warned my ex that this will likely be happening [he doesnt like it]. My kids and new partner get on fine when he visits, so that is ok, but that is not living here.

BugglyB

How old are your daughters hon?

gonzo127

depending on the age of the kids i think you need to tell them that him moving in sooner rather than later but state it is the plan for the future and not going to happen soon, as in all reality he will be a big part in their lives going forward so they should have the chance to talk about things with you about their worries and concerns.

as to the move, well when i moved in with my (now) wife and her kids (then 11 and 6) i did it a bit mixed in that i left silly things like a few clothes, and some other bits and peices (films etc), over the preceeding months but other than that it was a whole move in a day (i lived roughly 5 hours drive away from her)

we spoke to the kids about it and they helped me move in as it was better for them to help move things in so see the changes as they was happening rather than go out one weekend, come back and having lots of different things in their home.

in my mind kids are resilient, however it is always best to give them a bit of time to get used to things and also be allowed to have their voice heard and any worries addressed before something happens. especially when it comes to their home as it is their home as well as yours!

Mojisola

Could he do a short-term rent somewhere near you so that the kids could get used to him being around a lot more before he actually moves in?

beautiful_ravens

Hi,
My DDs are 11, 8 and 6.

Thankyou gonzo127 some good ideas which we could do! I do wonder about telling them but my eldest is a stresser, and feels sorry for her dad after the break up and stuff. I dont want her to get all worked up about it too soon if you see what I mean.

Mojisola, thanks; we talked about renting nearby as it was the original plan, but finances and the uncertainty of selling his house make that just a bit too expensive. Neither of us is getting any younger and we want to get on with things, on the other hand I know the kids will need time!

Judith_W

Why don't you meet up with him with the kids mid-way regularly, or take them to his etc. Also, I wonder whether going on holiday as a 'family' would be a good idea for them to get used to living with him.

My mum died and my dad re-married within 18 months. I know its a different situation but it was a massive shock when she moved in, and a bit more frank explanation of the situation would have been better so I could get my head around it.

Fosterdog

If things with your ex are amicable it's worth keeping him fully in the loop. Have him and your BF met yet? would that be possible?

Your ex is probably feeling that he will pushed out and will no longer be the only dad in his kids lives and by getting him on board he can help the kids come to terms with all the changes. Even if it means he has them an extra night each week so they get a break from your BF and he gets to keep a strong relationship.

If the kids see that their dad is ok with it then they are more likely to be happy with it.

Purple_Skull

My husband and I met online and had a US to UK distance relationship for 2 years before my kids met him. My daughters were 5 and 8 at the time.

You could do some fun stuff over Skype video chatting like charades or pictionary type games. Talk a lot about your boyfriend with them so they know things about him before he gets here.

My kids were often in the room as we Skyped and would join in with conversations naturally so they'd be used to seeing him "around" before he landed in the UK.

Three years on we all get on way better than I imagined and are very happy ^_^

beautiful_ravens

Fosterdog - Thanks. Ah.. my ex....he refuses to meet my new partner. Im sure he is feeling the way you dexcribe, yes.
But when I told him what was likely going to happen, he said hed get all his remaining stuff [in the garage atm], and only ever meet up at tesco car park or wherever so that he never had to come round here again and see or meet him. Bit unrealistic...
We are not really amicable, only in polite, brief ways for the kids benefit. The nature of our relationship when we were together means that I dont ever want to see him again, but of course the kids do, so I have to. So...that option of him endorsing the new relationship is highly unlikely, at least for the forseeable future. In fact him doing the opposite [saying unfavourable things to the kids] is a concern.

Purpleskull - wow! I dont have skype, since my mum said she couldnt get it off her computer and it messed something up haha so I havent bothered, but yes, I really should talk about him as if he was almost here...
Earlier I tried out Judith_W's suggestion and mentioned to my eldest about all of us going camping, with my new man too, and she was fine actually, but I had to buy her her own tent and she wants the dog in the tent with her etc lol

So the suggestion about mentioning him more I will start to do, and at some point I will tell them, or slowly tell them, that he will come to live here.

Thankyou!