I dont know what to do

born2bamug

I will first start by saying sorry for such a long post, but I dont know what to do.
We have had residence of our GS since he was 3, he will soon be 13.
We have had a few issues lately where he has been abit naughty at home and at school, however, a couple of days ago my world was turned upside down when his mum told us that he had been saying he wants to live with her. He has said this previously on 2 occassions, one at a cahms meetings which was misunderstood by the then support worker, he had meant to say he wanted more contact, not live with, this was resolved, and his mother then had regular fortnightly weekends with him staying at hers. The last 2 years she has 2 full seperate weeks with him staying as extra. Yet she insists she wants extra contact aswell. The residence order has always been open access for her. Before we attended cahms her seeing him where as and when she could be bothered.

We used to attend cahms after he had an eating order brought on by emotional stress because he wanted extra contact.

I must point out that we have never stopped or attempted to stop extra contact, we have encouraged it but it has not been forth coming from his mum.

The 2nd time he said he wanted to live with his mum was very early last year when he was he didnt like being punished for being naughty, ie grounded. We informed his mum of his wishes, but after a few days he changed his mind saying he didnt mean it and it was to hurt me, but again wanted extra time with his mother.

After this episode he mum agreed to have him a a couple of extra hours after school, but this never happened due to a major fallout between them, when she refused to have him the extra time, this was because we were going out somewhere, whilst it was her weekend with him, but he wanted to come out with us for the one day instead. We approached her on this saying he could go as usual on the friday evening, and we would pick him up on the saturday morning, and drop him off that evening so he would spend the night there and still have the sunday. His mum went ballastic at this, and it ended up where she said she would not have him any extra so he refused to go for a few weekends to hurt her. Eventually they resumed contact and restarted the fortnightly visits. We then asked about extra visits during holidays to her and he has had 2 full seperate weeks and a couple of odd days, however, when he has stayed the weeks he has been looked after by her, when she had not been working, said she couldnt get holiday off work, her partner if he has been off or his mother if he had still spent the week working, apparantly he doesnt like taking the time off work for hols, he would rather be at work. Again it is hardly his mum making an effort.

She informed us that he had been making "lots" of extra visits to her that we didnt know about by going on his bike, yet this is incorrect when asked he has been TWICE since he had his bike at xmas and he has gone with his friend.This journey will be about 8 miles one way, and then he has cycled back home. Again though this is the child making the effort, not his mum. She rarely makes extra contact by phone or fb, its always the child doing the running.

His mother has said she will contact the court to get full residence.

This has left me absolutely devasted, he has been my whole life since he was born, I was at his birth and cut his cord. All the time he has been alive has resolved around him and I would do absolutely anything for him without question, just as a natural mother would.

My husband doesnt think this is what he really wants, I dont know.

He doesnt know what its like to live with his mother properly, two weeks in a couple of years and weekends is not the same as living with her full time.

Would the courts automaticaaly give his mum residence now that he is almost 13, just because thats what he is asking for, or would they take a look at the overall picture ie his previous eating disorder caused by emotional stress, the fact that that she doesnt go out of her way to make extra contact with him.

I will not stop this if its REALLY what he wants, but I really dont think it will be in his best interest in the long run.

He will have to change school, and he had issues dealing with the change of joining secondary school, he doesnt make new friends easily, and he only has one person he knows where his mum lives. I think knowing him as I do all the emotional stress will have a big impact and I want to save him from anymore hurt.

I dont know where to go for advice on this has there is not much info about for GP's, in our situation. We are not in a position to afford a solicitor, so would really appreciate any advice.

tanith

I don't think its a case of what the courts would say at 13yrs old unless there are safety issues regarding him living with his Mum which it doesn't appear is so. If he wants to go he can and really should send him off with a smile even if it breaks your heart , if it works out thats great if not he'll be back soon enough. I don't see what else you can do you , just because 'he has been your whole life', for years can't stop you doing the right thing which is to give him the choice , he'll eventually love you more for it.. and probably be back before you know it.

EDIT: Have a similar situation with our own 14yr old granddaughter which is still ongoing at 18yrs old.. good luck with your decision

carolan78

The six week holiday s are nearing, why not suggest he goes to stay for the half term and the full 6 week holidays and see how it goes from there. He will have enough time to realise the grass isn't always greener or his mum may surprise you all by making more of an effort with him actually been there 24/7.

boat_girl

Carolan has given a really good suggestion. It maybe enough to let them both see it's not what they really want or be what they need and if you accept it then you will keep on good terms and hopefully maintain the contact.
At 13 if it gets as far as the courts then they will take his opinion into account.