Turmoil

balbal1

Hi all

I am looking for some advice. Judgement is ok as long as its contructive.

I have been married 12 years and have 2 lovely children, 6 and 10.

I have been unhappy in the marriage for the past few years. Whilst I care for my wife, I don't love her anymore. There is no spark there anymore.

I have been thinking about leaving for a few years. But I have to face the fact, I am not strong enough. I can't bring myself to do it. We have debts, children, joint friends, close extended family etc and when I sit and think of the stink it will cause around, I lose my bottle and stick it out.

I sit and think about what the kids will think of me (now and in the future). What her/our friends will say. What my family will say.

I have also become close over the last few months (yes months!) with a female friend. Nothing has happened but what it has proved to me is that I don't enjoy my wifes company anymore.

We have a routine (like all families do) that revolve around school/work/dinner/bed and I just sit in the middle of it and want to be somewhere else.

Am I Bad?

Please advice.

Person_one

I think you should go to Relate and get some counselling before you make such a big decision. Its only natural not to be in the first flush of romance after 12 years and two small children.

And stay well away from that female friend. If your marriage does end you can do what you want but for now its very inappropriate to have half an eye on your next conquest.

saterkey

speak to your wife, maybe she feels the same way?

Emmzi

what does your spouse think?

(and is it half term already?)

londonsurrey

The spark is normal for the first couple of months or years. It can last longer, but not always. In a few months or years, the odds are that you would get bored of this new woman you're eyeing up, and you'll be back to square one, but with family that you've blown up.

Unless you're happy to change partners every few months or years, and not have a family life, then you have to work at getting that spark rekindled with what is ostensibly your life partner.

Try Relate, try the London Sex Fair, try using that extended family to help with childcare to give you time together as a relaxed couple, try doing things and helping other people so that you feel good about yourself and respect yourself, which will make you feel more attractive to you and your wife.

My ex in-laws live the nightmare you have - they have this merry-go-round of work, acquisition of the latest BGT CDs and other must haves, and never stop to think that there's more to life than getting more coloured plastic to clutter up the house with. Do some community work, help other people(who are not family or friends), get some fresh air into your life, and it will help you get some breathing space to broaden your horizons. Mental horizons, not bedroom horizons with other people.

Basically, a real marriage is not one of those plastic things the shops tout - you don't get rid of your wife because you've had her for a while, and there's an updated version available with new packaging. You're supposed to keep your marriage, and polish it, mend it, and cherish it. Otherwise, it's just moving in with your bird for a while, innit?

meer53

balbal1 wrote: »

Hi all

I am looking for some advice. Judgement is ok as long as its contructive.

I have been married 12 years and have 2 lovely children, 6 and 10.

I have been unhappy in the marriage for the past few years. Whilst I care for my wife, I don't love her anymore. There is no spark there anymore.

I have been thinking about leaving for a few years. But I have to face the fact, I am not strong enough. I can't bring myself to do it. We have debts, children, joint friends, close extended family etc and when I sit and think of the stink it will cause around, I lose my bottle and stick it out.

I sit and think about what the kids will think of me (now and in the future). What her/our friends will say. What my family will say.

I have also become close over the last few months (yes months!) with a female friend. Nothing has happened but what it has proved to me is that I don't enjoy my wifes company anymore.

We have a routine (like all families do) that revolve around school/work/dinner/bed and I just sit in the middle of it and want to be somewhere else.

Am I Bad?

Please advice.

I've been in your wifes position. It stinks. My kids think it stinks too.

If you're unhappy in your marriage, sort it out BEFORE becoming involved with someone else. And don't think it won't be found out, because it will.

My ex's family have no respect for him, his own mother doesn't speak to him, my son has no respect for him, i have no respect for him.

Think long and hard about why you're unhappy, is your wife unhappy ? Because i wasn't, but i had no idea my husband was. You can't imagine the feeling of betrayal and hurt that is caused when someone has an affair. You might not think you're having an affair, but you are.

If your relationship isn't working anymore, then thats fine, it happens to a lot of families. BUT, do the right thing, stop "being close" with this other woman and talk to your wife about how you feel. Otherwise you might find that the decision isn't yours to make.

the_cat

Not bad, no. But imo unrealistic and looking for the wrong thing as the most important

The 'spark' is one very small (and often quite short lived) part of a long term relationship. As posted above, usually part of the first stage in a relationship and transient. The fact that it has gone in your eyes does not mean that your relationship is over. Just that it has moved to a different stage. This is why every couple who have been together a long time will tell you that it is hard work to keep a marriage alive and that all relationships take a huge effort. Yes it might be tempting to walk away but think about what you would be giving up. The deeper relationship that comes with years spent together, the family ties, the shared history, companionship, security, a partner who is with you not because they are in the first flush of enthusiasm but who is with you because they know the 'real you' and is still prepared to stay! Plus the inescapable fact that you would be blowing away your kids lives and that of extended family, your finances, your future......

And for what? A succession of dalliances which pail after a while when that elusive 'spark' goes. Not much of a life really, is it?

FBaby

In light out things aiming your wife its still very much in love with and you are concerned about the impact breaking up would have on her and your kids think of the longer term picture. If you are feeling the way you do have done do for some time and deep in your mind think things won't get better then you will make it better to end it asap so she has a chance to starry again rather than waste her life with someone who doesn't love her. No matter what you will cause chaos anyway it can't be avoided but at least be true to yourself and respect her enough not to string her along on false pretence.

meritaten

have you thought your wife may be feeling the same way? perhaps she thinks the spark is gone too. You were attracted to and fell in love with and there MUST have been more than just lust between you.
my advice? get rid of the kids overnight and sit down and ask YOUR WIFE is she happy............its a good opening gambit and you may be surprised at the answer!
it also opens the way for you to say that you feel the spark has gone and ask HER if it worth trying to rekindle it!

for both yours and your kids sake I hope so - I dont think the marraige is beyond saving and you sound a really decent bloke - if theres a chance, I think you would take it rather than split up, as you obviously know the consequences.