Would you walk away?

coinxoperated

Just looking for some opinions really...

I've known a girl for about 12 years, at various stages we have been really close, at other times a little more distant, but alway stayed in touch.

4 years ago she got pregnant at age 18 and had a baby girl. Although I personally felt she had wasted so much by getting pregnant with someone she didn't really want to be with, I kept my mouth shut and supported her the best I could. She never really knew my opinion on her getting pregnant and at the end of the day it was her choice.

Over the following 18 months there was massive issues relating to her boyfriend (baby's father) and him hurting the baby. The baby had constant bruises, there were claims of sexual abuse from various people, including a time when she mentioned to me that there was blood in the babies nappy. This went on for a very short while, an it resulted in him being arrested, computer searched for indecent pictures of children etc etc. nothing could be problem, he was released and over about 3 months, he moved back in with her as if nothing had happened.

Shortly after, I had a tear filled call saying he had 'raped her in his sleep'. I was utterly in shock and quite confused. She was living in her mum and step dads house at the time, and I must admit I struggled to believe how she could of let it happen when there were plenty of people in the house, just a shout out away. Again, I've never been through something like this myself, so again, she had him arrested, I supported her and all seemed to calm down. She then decided not to press charges as she didn't want her child's father in prison.

4 weeks later, he was moved back in to a council house with her and the baby.

Overtime, although everyone seemed to know about what had happened, it was sort of brushed under the carpet. She hardly mentioned it and for a year or so nothing seemed to go wrong. They got engaged and then got married.

1 month after the wedding, she upset his mother in law. This resulted in a string of verbal abuse, so she stopped tere contact with her daughter with his agreement an cut them out. His younger sister then stated that he had sexual assaulted her when she was a child. Police were involved, but again, nothing came of it.

A few months later, she fell pregnant again. She had the baby in November and stayed persistent with blocking out his family. He seems to have no friends anymore either.

Everything seemed ok, until we all went to the park with the 4 year old who proceeded to wet herself after asking her mum to go for a wee 10 times. Even I offered to take her and she said it wasn't needed. She then dragged her to the at, put her in the back and slammed the door shut shouting that she was a 'horrible child' and that she 'hates her sometimes'.

Myself, my boyfriend and our joint friend all witnessed it and was quite shocked. While all this was going on she had the new born baby in her arms. Her husband stood like a lost puppy.

I offered to take the 4yr old home with her husband to get her cleaned up as they hadn't packed any spare clothes. Done and dusted and back to the park. For the rest of the time I spent with them that day, I couldn't help but feel angry at her. I didn't show it, just coming from a Childcare background, I just found it so cruel. I can understand frustration, but this was something else.

The following two weeks, they moved again into her parents house where I helped pack everything up again. Her poor daughter had to change nursery/pre-school for the 3rd time for her to move. There didn't seem to be much of a reason for it either.

A couple of months passed, and in February I had a call off her husband asking if knew where she was because he had walked out with the baby saying she was going to kill herself. In the background I could hear the 4yr old saying 'is mummy dead? Will she die? Does mummy hate us?'. It was heart breaking.

I tried to contact her and she didn't answer. We were on a verge of calling the police when she walked in, with baby in arms, pretending everything was fine. She didn't know her husband had contacted me.

The next day I text her and asked how she was, and she was all fine. I was so angry. I confronted her about what had happened, and that I am always here to offer support, babysit if she needs a break, or a call away to get it all out. Over the years we had become almost like sisters.

She didn't seem to see anything wrong with what she had done. I tried to explain the damage comments like that can make to young children, but she didn't seem to care.

I told her I couldn't sit by and watch her do this. I deal with parents like this all the time at work, and although there are always circumstances surrounding these things, it's still horrific to hear, read etc. also as I see the damaged child at the end of these situation, I can't just let go and pretend its ok.

So I've cut contact. Entirely. I just can't take anymore.

I part of me feels she has made certain things worse (exaggerating), as I'm seeing things from the outside. She's not the type of person to keep quiet if she was being abused herself. She's always been known as quite an attention seeker.

I contacted social services regarding my concerns and they said they would follow it up. I have to have some faith that it's with the professionals to deal with now.

But ever since, I feel a guilt for walking away. Not only 12 years of friendship down the pan, but also for the safety of her daughter and newborn son.

In a sense, cutting her off made me feel so much more at ease. No more dramas. In the next few years I would like a child myself, and I wouldn't of wanted my children mixing with her husband due to the possibility of him sexual abusing a child.

Who stays with someone when they suspect such things?

I would just like someone else's point of view on the events, along with knowing if you would walk away as well?

Cyril

Walk away for the sake of your sanity. It doesn't sound like this girl can be helped by a friend and its beyond me as to why she'd let an abuser back into her childs life.

Let the professionals deal with it. Her needs are too great for a friend.

gettingthere1975

Cyril wrote: »

Walk away for the sake of your sanity. It doesn't sound like this girl can be helped by a friend and its beyond me as to why she'd let an abuser back into her childs life.

Let the professionals deal with it. Her needs are too great for a friend.

Ditto, you've tried to help, she clearly doesn't see what the problem is so let the professionals sort it.

coinxoperated

Thanks both. I feel like I've been grieving losing her, as I said, she's almost like a sister. But I guess that's why blood is thicker than water!

gettingthere1975

coinxoperated wrote: »

Thanks both. I feel like I've been grieving losing her, as I said, she's almost like a sister. But I guess that's why blood is thicker than water!

You will grieve, i had similar with a friend, her partner was heavily into drugs etc, i took her in with her kids numerous times but there are only so many times that you can help someone who wont help themself.

sarymclary

I think you tried every other avenue.

You tried to be a good friend, a supporter, a confidant. You even accepted her husband back, despite the allegations and rumours about him.

I think for your own sense of moral worth, you had no option now but to walk away. You haven't turned a blind eye, which is great. You took responsibility where you could, and reported it to those that do have the power to look into matters, and effect change and protection for the sake of these children.

It sounds as though your friend is as much of an abuser to these children, as the husband who has the allegations of sexual abuse previously levelled at him. I'm not sure what her issues with the eldest child are, but using her parental power to cause the child to soil herself in a public place, is unforgivable. The fact that she is talking in terms of hating this child, leaving the house with talk of killing herself, shows she's trying to exert some kind of power over the husband. Is there a chance she has mental health issues, even undiagnosed PND?

Your friend sounds to be a complex character, with several flaws. She's not a teenager anymore, she's a mother of 2 children, and a wife, so now she'll have to be accountable for her own behaviour. Do you think the children will be better off now that they're based back home in the grandparent's home?

I'm sure it was a difficult decision to make, but I hope you also now feel some relief at not having to be responsible for this ex friend's erratic behaviour. Well done for having the courage to act on your convictions.

Alikay

She is repeatedly failing to protect her children, and putting her own and the abusers needs above those of her children. It would be hard for a lot of us to maintain a friendship while that is going on.

You've passed on your concerns to the professionals - you can't do any more than that IMO.

coinxoperated

She had post natal depression after her first child. She spoke about leaving her to cry. Her mum and nan picked up the pieces when she couldn't handle it. Although she is totally different with the new baby. Almost trying to prove she can be a good mother on her 2nd go.

I am so relieved others feel the same as I do. I was doubting my actions, but your feedback has just made me feel so much at ease about the choices I've made. Thank you!

Gigervamp

coinxoperated wrote: »

Her husband stood like a lost puppy.

As the police enquiries on her husband came to nothing and from what you've said he was like at the park, I'm wondering if it's actually her that's the abuser (not necessarily sexual, just emotionally and possibly violently).

But, regardless, you've done the right thing.

Tish_P

Why feel guilty? You don't like her and nothing you've said makes her sound like a good person. And if for the last 4 years you have been thoroughly (and often understandably) disapproving of her choices and disbelieving what she says - well, there hasn't been a real friendship for some time, just the pretence of one.

Good on you for having the guts to alert the professionals and step away. From now on, spend time with people you actually like.

coinxoperated

Well I thought this until I lived with them for a short while. I was moving house and she was happy for me and my dog to stay with them for a couple of weeks. I moved out after 6 days as her husband kicked my dig about 10 foot down the garden because he whined to go out for a wee. My dogs no bigger than a jack Russell, and surely someone who could be that cruel to a small dog, could be capable of anything?