Separation/Divorce Scotland - Advice Please

oxclairexo

Current Situation.
My husband (44) and I (33) will have been married 3 years in August We are resident in Scotland, and have a 16 month old Son.

After what should have been a minor disagreement to be discussed rationally, my husband walked out. He came home after several hours but hasn’t spoken to me since despite my best efforts to discuss things. His only response is that he will talk once I have apologised. He has not spoken to me or come to bed now for 3 days. This is the last in a long line of paranoid episodes where he thinks I don’t trust him with our son.

I could apologise just to break the stalemate, and probably will, but regrettably I have now reached the point where I can no longer continue with the relationship and wish to separate, sell our house and move on.

I feel incredibly guilty already because of my son and because of my husbands health issues. I just wanted a happy little family and can’t believe I’m facing divorce after only 3 years – I suppose no one ever does.

I have included a bit of history below. Not sure what is relevant and I have tried to keep it unbiased.

Apologies for the lengthy post.

History

My husband (partner at the time) moved into the flat I owned (my name only) ca. 2 years before we were married. During this time he never paid any rent or contribution to household bills (except groceries and his own car). Shortly before we were married he was signed off work with depression and took voluntary redundancy (he hasn’t worked since).

Before we were married, we decided to buy a house (in joint names) and put in an offer before we were married. Actual completion of flat sale/house purchase went through 2 months after we were married. When we bought the house the deposit (50K+) was paid for by me using my savings and proceeds from my flat.

I also had 5K in premium bonds purchased before the marriage which with were used to fund home improvements. Estimate my husband also had savings of ca. 5K which were again used for home improvements.

After buying the house and taking redundancy my husband was supposed to take 3 months out to do some house renovations, get back on his feet, and return to work. This never happened nor was there any attempt by him to find work. I pay the mortgage, household bills etc. and pay my husband £500 per month by direct debit.

Unknown to me, my husband had ca. 3K in debt from cumulative unpaid bank charges (acquired before and during the marriage). This was eventually cleared using a gift from his Aunt meant to go towards home improvements.

My husband was then diagnosed with a circulatory disease whilst I was pregnant affecting his mobility and is now registered disabled and gets disabled living allowance which pays for his car. Other than child benefit no other benefit is claimed.

When I had our son I took 8 months off work (as an engineer) and then returned part-time (3 days per week). My husband now looks after our son during the day on those 3 days but has little involvement in the evenings or on the 4 days I’m at home. When he is not looking after our son, he sleeps excessively, plays computer games, but very little else. He does cook most evening meals however I do the majority of other household chores.

My husband takes prescribed medication both for his circulatory disease and for clinical depression. He has bouts of depression which seem to come in cycles and are getting worse.

My husband both drinks excessively and smokes cannabis every evening. He starts drinking as soon as our son goes to bed but only uses cannabis after I have gone to bed. I typically drink 1 bottle of wine per week over 2-3 evenings.

He has asked for a divorce and told me he will kill himself on 2 occasions, albeit under the influence.

To the best of my knowledge there is no third party involved.

Questions

My absolute priority is to keep my son resident with me. Although I think I have a strong case is there a chance courts could rule in his favour given that I am the sole breadwinner and the current childcare arrangements? I can see my husband loves our son very much and would want him to have regular contact, although not overnight unsupervised due to substance abuse.

After the separation I would like to stop work and return to my hometown (40 miles away unfortunately) to stay with my mother. I would then hope to find a job locally once my son starts nursery aged 3. My mother is 56 and retired and would help with childcare. Alternatively I could keep my current job and still have my husband look after my son the 3 days. In many respects I can see this is fairer to him and initially less disruptive to my son but in the long term I believe the most stable environment will be if I return home. Does any of this make a difference to the outcome?

Can I use unreasonable behaviour as grounds?

Assuming my son stays resident with me am I likely to still have to pay maintenance to my husband?

Again, assuming my son stays resident with me, when the house is sold will I be entitled to recover any of the money I paid upfront before the proceeds are split?

Does anyone have any advice on how to break this to my husband? Don’t want to just take my son and go but frightened of what the reaction will be.

Can anyone give an indication of likely legal costs?

Is there anything else I need to be aware of going into this?

Any advice much appreciated.

kay74

Hi
Really sorry I cant be of more help but the things I learned in my divorce were
- I had a 'running away fund' (purely saved to run away from ex when it was really bad). Even tho in secret bank account I still had to give him half as it was 'mine' on day of separation. Had I know I'd have given to my dad to watch for me.
- day before separation ex drew down £4000 on credit card. Again, was a debt on day of separation and as such I was liable for half of it
- my divorce cost (legal fees) of approx £8.5k with one of the big Glasgow law firms. I would not use them again - I went for a 'free' consultation and because I had a good job somehow ended up with one of the partners and by then he'd read all my paperwork and (being fragile) I felt tied in. For later 'issues' I used a local family lawyer who seemed to be more on my side than the big shot lawyer. Does not seem to be any direct correlation between cost and your best interests.
I don't know anything at all about the property part. I'd overpaid mortgage for 5 years assuming I'd get it back, and I didn't.
Best piece of advice I got was if you are the person in receipt of the child benefit then you do not have to pay maintenance. The one good thing I did was ensure the c/b was paid to my bank account rather than a joint one.

Sorry I can't be of more use. Ask around friends for a recommendation for a good family lawyer and see them ASAP. It will help answer some of your questions.
Good luck to you. It is hard but I have never looked back.
Kx

coolcait

You might get some preliminary advice from your local CAB, but I think you will definitely need a (good) lawyer on this one.

The fact that the house is in joint names - despite the fact that you paid the deposit, and have been paying the mortgage is a big issue. You'll need legal advice on how to handle that point.

If you have any joint accounts or credit cards, get them closed/changed now. You can be held liable for any joint debts with your husband. And it counts as a 'joint debt' if it's on a joint account - even if he is the one who has done all the spending.

You'll need specialist advice on residence for your son. On the face of it, you already have joint care. In addition, you are considering giving up work to be full-time carer to your son.

Your OH has alcohol and drug addiction issues...

Your position in terms of having your son reside with you seems fairly strong, but you need to get detailed advice on this.

I'd see a lot of advantage in knowing more about your position, and your options, before you get round to wondering how to tell your husband that you want a divorce.

You may find out some things which make you wonder if divorce is really the best option. You may find out some things which convince you that it really is.

Once you are sure that it the right option for you, and you have a clear idea of the practicalities involved (which will help prevent you or your husband are sidetracked by unfounded 'worries') then you can consider how to raise the 'I want a divorce' discussion.

Unless, of course, he pre-empts it by asking for a divorce himself.

If he threatens suicide, give him the number for the Samaritans; tell him to call his doctor. His life is in his hands, not yours.

I know that is a harsh view, but it is true. You could stay, and he could still kill himself. He already is, slowly, through his addictions.