How to help my 11 Year old Daughter

suki1001

I have felt tearful this morning taking my year 6 daughter to school. She seems to have no confidence and has been pretty miserable throughout her primary education.

The school was driving distance and we moved into the village last year, so I hoped that would help and in some ways it has. She became friends with a girl who moved to the school, but this girl has been quite manipulative with my daughter and although she is a nice girl, she has done a lot of things to try and distance my daughter away from other children, e.g getting her to run away from them when they're out. Or if my daughter has played with other children, she's started crying and saying perhaps I should move away, even though she'll play with them herself.

I thought that letting her go out to play with them might help, but she so conscious of being made fun of or being left out she doesn't help matters. For example she was out with 2 other girls who are really nice and she needed the toilet as she had a tummy ache, she didn't tell them she was going to the toilet in the park, (because she was embarrassed) and must have been a while, saw them disapearing off into the distance and just came home, not telling them she was going, so they were worried about her.

We got her a phone at christmas and I thought it would encourage her to have outside contact with her friends outside the school. One girl texted her to see what she was doing this weekend, they arranged to meet in the park and when my daughter went down, she saw other children in a group with this girl, lost the bottle and came home, but didn't tell the girl she wasn't turning up. I got her to text back, that she'd forgotten to she was going out with her dad, otherwise she wouldn't have bothered telling this girl anything.

She seems to have such a low opinion of herself. I struggle trying to cheer her up, she's a really well behaved child, but she takes absolutely ages to do anything, it does test my patience with her, everything is done at such a slow pace. I'm mindful that loosing my patience with her won't help matters, but it's very difficult not to.

I have spoken to the school lots of times. She has seen someone last year to do mini workshops with and they've draughted in a 6th form helper from her next school up to spend time with once a week, although it doesn't always happen, she loves this.

I feel so heartbroken for her, she's amazingly creative and thoughtful, just not with social situations when she's embarrassed. She is so tall and elegant I just wish she could see herself as I see her, instead she seems so fed up and down, makes do with life and seems so unhappy.

I wish I could help her, my only hope is when she moves to secondary school, she'll make new friends and find the change, especially with art and the creative side that this will help her grow in a positive way. But other than that I'm at a loss. She seems locked in this little world of hers and although she does talk about how she feels, I really struggle to know how best to help her.

Any ideas?
Thanks for listening

balletshoes

A lot of what your daughter is going through appears to be pretty normal for an 11-year old. I don't think the taking-ages-to-do-everything is going to stop anytime soon to be honest (my colleague's daughter is 15 and has been living her life at a snails pace for at least the last 4 years).

My DD is the same age, and while she's not so uncomfortable in social situations as yours appears to be, she is a bit of sheep and she also has a best friend who, although lovely and polite etc, is manipulative with her/expects her to drop everything and come running, but only when said friend is at a loose end.

Your DD has maybe just hit the hormonal pre-teen plateau a bit earlier than mine. I do think, for both your daughter and mine, going to secondary school will open up new avenues for social interaction, which can only be a good thing if you have a clingy somewhat demanding best friend, because its impossible to be together all day every day then.

My DD is still shy in new social situations, what I've always told her is just to smile if she doesn't know what to say/how to start a conversation with someone. That way she's at least not going to look unapproachable.

Has your DD got any outside school interests? Would she want to try some, or is that something else which could be opened up to her when she starts secondary school?

suki1001

balletshoes wrote: »

A lot of what your daughter is going through appears to be pretty normal for an 11-year old. I don't think the taking-ages-to-do-everything is going to stop anytime soon to be honest (my colleague's daughter is 15 and has been living her life at a snails pace for at least the last 4 years).

My DD is the same age, and while she's not so uncomfortable in social situations as yours appears to be, she is a bit of sheep and she also has a best friend who, although lovely and polite etc, is manipulative with her/expects her to drop everything and come running, but only when said friend is at a loose end.

Your DD has maybe just hit the hormonal pre-teen plateau a bit earlier than mine. I do think, for both your daughter and mine, going to secondary school will open up new avenues for social interaction, which can only be a good thing if you have a clingy somewhat demanding best friend, because its impossible to be together all day every day then.

My DD is still shy in new social situations, what I've always told her is just to smile if she doesn't know what to say/how to start a conversation with someone. That way she's at least not going to look unapproachable.

Has your DD got any outside school interests? Would she want to try some, or is that something else which could be opened up to her when she starts secondary school?

Thanks for your input.

Yes, I agree, I do think hormones are playing a big part at the moment, although she's always struggled. Outside school, say on holiday, she can make friends very easily, it's just the people she already knows that she struggles with.

We have tried some outside school activities, but she's never very interested and I don't want to make her. She'd be perfect for netball for example, but she just didn't carry on.

I am hoping the outside school activities will really capture her interest when she starts secondary school, it's just she's so unhappy at the moment, when she just hang out with friends she feels like she's tagging along. I think she feels very lonely.

gingin_2

I was always worried about my son and friends. I spent many sleepless nights when he was in primary because he was always one of the few who never really had their own friendship group. Secondary school has been the making of him. There are so many more kids to find things in common with and he's now formed a solid group of friends who all share the same interests, something he never managed to find at his previous school.

It took time, but when they start, they are all in the same boat and I think a little more accepting of each other.

suki1001

gingin wrote: »

I was always worried about my son and friends. I spent many sleepless nights when he was in primary because he was always one of the few who never really had their own friendship group. Secondary school has been the making of him. There are so many more kids to find things in common with and he's now formed a solid group of friends who all share the same interests, something he never managed to find at his previous school.

It took time, but when they start, they are all in the same boat and I think a little more accepting of each other.

This is what I'm hoping will happen with my daughter. she's a bit like I was and secondary school helped me, although what helped was that I didn't know anyone, so I had a fresh start. The thing is, it's not like I can say the girls are horrible (thankfully), they try in their own way to include her, I just think she's so self conscious that they must think she behaves oddly, because of the way she reacts to things.

I know it will go quickly, it's just that time inbetween and the fact she seems so unhappy at the mement. She would rather go out with me for the day, than any friends and while I love that from a selfish point of view, I can't help feeling most girls would rather spend the time with their friends.

balletshoes

suki1001 wrote: »

She would rather go out with me for the day, than any friends and while I love that from a selfish point of view, I can't help feeling most girls would rather spend the time with their friends.

that will come, I'm sure of it. She's only 11, and round here its far more common that the girls in my DD's year are with their family (and maybe one close friend) after school/at weekends, rather than out in groups of friends. The boys seem to do that at an earlier age here for some reason.

lovethymini

Hopefully this is, as you say, a little phase, and she will grow and blossom into a confident young lady.

However. I was very much like this at your daughter's age, and twenty years on I was diagnosed with depression, which is is something I have had since childhood apparently, and looking back, I really wish someone had just kept a closer eye on me and questioned, as you are doing now with your daughter, my behaviour. We rely on the adults in our lives when we're younger, and can't express ourselves if something is wrong inside, so if you continue to worry about her, please talk to a health profession. Even now, I struggle with social situations - confident to a point, but not knowing how to be comfortable.

It's funny how much we take as granted when we're adults and we can so easily forget how hard the early teens are.

dibuzz

Your daughter is lucky to have a supportive mum who wants to help.
I was exactly the same, I'd cross the road to avoid people and stand on the outside looking in, wanting to join in but unable to make that move.
My mum had no time for my insecurities and even now I can hear her saying "you stupid stupid girl" and trying to physically push me towards people which had the opposite effect and I withdrew even more.
To this day I don't have a single friend so please try to help your daughter as much as you can to avoid a very lonely life.

lovethymini

dibuzz my mum said that to me too. And completely ignored me at home!