Debilitating insecurity

Nottoobadyet

Hi guys,

I've recently been suffering from something that hasn't been a big issue in my life before, and I need some help with how to deal with it.

I've always been a relatively confident person - and I still am most of the time. I've never thought of myself as attractive, but am in reasonably good shape, have lived abroad for many years, have a great job in an interesting field and drive a lovely big red motorcycle which makes me a bit sexier :rotfl: However over the last few weeks I have been feeling extremely insecure in my relationship, and its causing lots of unnecessary strain and upset.

My OH and I have been together about a year. When we met he was going through an awful time, and is now emerging from quite a deep depression. I eventually was able to convince him to see a therapist, who has been fantastic and has helped immeasurably, but for several months I was feeling the full brunt of his depression and trying to be there for everything he needed to talk about.

I realize now that while I was genuinely trying my best to be there for him be a listening ear when he needed one, it actually was like being an awful therapist - I dont have the skills to help in any real way and he was wallowing in things that were traumatic for him without getting help to sort them out. Among the things that launched him into the depression (along with sudden deaths in his very close family) was a series of relationships (one certifiably abusive) that ended badly, and he felt the need to tell me about them at length to explain why he was so emotionally distant and hesitant about a new relationship. In retrospect this was cruel, but neither of us really realized it at the time. He hasnt done this since his mental health has improved.

Now, months later, I'm constantly beset by insecurity about his exes. Its awful and immature, but I cant get past it.

I've met one of them (shes no longer living on our continent, but was here when I arrived) and she's stunningly beautiful. Though she was emotionally abusive to him and eventually left him, I now know from him how hard he tried to make things work with her and pursue her, and nothing he does for me compares at all. Another ex he loved very intensely and moved to be with, but she dumped him at a traumatic time (again, after a family death). He's recently told me he loves me, but again I feel like a poor second and it seems passionless. And in true hypocritical form, there really isnt anything that he could say or do that could convince me.

All this is making me pathetically over-sensitive - I get upset at the stupidest slights and for things that have nothing to do with me, and feel awful for it. I am turning into a childish harpy. Obviously its ridiculous - I have a romantic history too (one 6 year, very healthy relationship), and of course he has every right to one.

How can I kick myself into growing up?

PS - yikes, sorry for the novel!

luxor4t

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

...How can I kick myself into growing up? .....

Get yourself to a doctor & tell her/him about the insecurity. There might be a physical cause - mine was! I've got an under active thyroid & the symptoms made me think I was becoming paranoid.

oh, and don't kick yourself. It hurts.

Nottoobadyet

Thanks Luxor - I hadnt even thought it could be physical. how did the Dr work that out, if you dont mind me asking?

determined_new_ms

hey NTBY :wave: sorry to hear that you're having a rough time of it x

Ok a few questions and my thoughts. 1. Are these insecurities something that you have felt before/linked to past relationship breakdowns? Or is it something that is new and linked to your current relationship? Having known you for a couple of years this is not something that has come through before!


If it is a reoccurring thing then I guess its yours to deal with if its linked to your current relationship you need to deal with that. My initial thoughts are you helped your bf deal with his demons, were there for him and offered him support. What is he now doing to repay you your love and kindness? Is he reassuring you, doing everything he can to make you feel secure? I had terrible insecurities when I first met my oh (terribly damaged by my childhood and found it almost impossible to trust someone and let them in) but he just kept giving me love and reassurance until I realised these were pointless and unfounded and he was worth trusting.

Has the power dynamic changed since he has "got back on his feet"? Was he all needy, you were there offering love and support and now he's feeling better he's more distant? Really lovely it don't matter how "gorgeous" she is, if she is toxic that beauty doesn't last long and he should be reassuring you of this.

I think its really easy to absorb all the negativities and think its all about you but you need to ask yourself why you are feeling this way and is he doing enough to reassure you. If not then that's likely to be why you are feeling insecure! I used to be paranoid that my oh was communicating with his ex and felt insanely jealous, used to hack into his email account (:o) and translate his emails from her (he is Brazilian), in the end he gave me his password and said its fine he had nothing to hide and if needed to check then that was ok. After a very short time I realised it was pointless and a waste of my time and the email exchanges were just friendly. But he gave me what I needed to feel secure and it has been years since I've even questioned his commitment and loyaly to me.

hope this helps x

luxor4t

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

Thanks Luxor - I hadnt even thought it could be physical. how did the Dr work that out, if you dont mind me asking?

Blood tests.